I am missing my mum so much it hurts my heart

I am missing my mum so much it hurts my heart

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6 posts since

16 Jan 2019

Hi everyone i am not to good with were to put my gull stops and commas so sorry lol

My mum passed away 2016 she started getting stomoke aches and could not go to the toilet properly and she was diagnoised with cervical cancer that she managed to fight with chemo and radiotherapy but a year down the line she was still getting the horrendous tummy aches and doctors then said it had spread to her lymph nodes and she would have 18 months to live with chemo or 12 months without. This is were my world felt like it was being torn from me. I was 28 at the time and my sister 14 years old that had also lost her father due to a drug overdose when i was 16 and my sister 2. My mum was my best friend the person who put everything right the person who made me feel i was never alone and could tell anything and she would alwats be there for me. I watched my mum cry and beg for someone to help her. my son was her world her only grandson that was 8 when she passed away he meant the world to my mum like we all did. Her tummy aches carried on getting worse and worse but the doctors could not find out the reason for them. On the 3rd of december 2015 3 months after being told the cancer was terminal my mum suffered a bowl perforation and was taken to hospital for emergency surgery which they gave her a stoma bag. When i went to see her she was on a lofe support machine and i just couldnt take seeing her like that and broke down inside completely but made out to everyone i was fine but i was shaking inside staying strong. My mum came around the next morning but had very bad cycosis and the hospital had to put these boxing glove type of gloves on her and strap her to the bed as she kept thinking she was drowning and falling and shouting out which was heartbreaking and crushing. I noticed my mum couldnt keep her water down and she kept chocking everytime she had a drink of water which i knew was not right and her stomoke was so swollen after a week the stitches looked like they were being wripped out of her tummy. I then got told my mums stoma bag was not working and there was nothing more they could do! I didnt really understand this at tge time as again my anxiety kicked in and i went numb. My mum was nil by mouth for a whole 6 weeks i had to watch her starve with nothing seeing her hungry and thirsty and just shrinking infront of my eyes the memories of this make me cry my eyes out whilee writting so im sorry about my spelling i just have to keep writting or i worry i may stop like i always do and hold it in . I had to watch her stomoke swell so much it was black but the hospital said if ger stomoke perforates again it will be a quick death how lovely are they! I was in robot mode everyday i felt like i wasnt really there and i was dreaming. I went to visit my mum on the 7th of jan and her bed was wet and she was rolling around in pain telling me she couldnt see anything which killed me i just vouldnt take it anynore and this may sound discusting i loved my mum more than anything in the world but if i could of taken it all away right there for her i would of she was begging to die and shouting that she couldnt take the pain i went and got a nurse that found out her morphine drio had been leaking and thats why she was in so much pain. Once they sorted the drip back out my mum was just laying there staring at me with tired eyes and i cant get tgis image out of my head  i couldnt do anything i couldnt save her and i knew she was dying and felt helpless i just held her hand.  She was breathing really deep but taking alot of time to breath again and thats when a lady came in to say a prayer for her. As the lady finished the prayer my mun took her last breath but i didnt cry because i had got told the hearing was the last thing to go so my body started to shake like i was having a fit  i manage to ask if she was gone and can i hug her now and not hurt her. The nurse said yes and i just scooped my mums lifeless body up and and screamed and cried so hard i didnt even no i could do that rocking back and foward. I hadnt been able to hug her for so long without hurting her tummy the emotions i felt were all over the place and hurting all over like i had veen hit eith bricks. I felt like i died with her that day and i have nightmares and anxiety and i have just turned into a complete nervous wreck. Please dont tell me to go to councilling as its been 3 and a half years and i just dont feel ready even writting this is hard for me and a first step to talk to people and try and except she is not hear but i will go when ready to i just need a little longer. I just cant except it i block it out and i just dont feel like me anymore. I lost my best friend and mum and i even talk to her in my head hearing her voice reply to me  i no that sounds crazy but i do. I stuggle to look at her picture or think of good memories as a child because it hurts so much if i let everything out i worry i wont stop and the feelings i have are so poweful i am scared if i cant control them and something bad may happen. I have so much rage and anger that i just cant release because i feel like i wont be able ti stop. I cant take not having my mum around. Since she died i have had 2 spine surgeries i think due from stress but i dont no and had to leave my job and lost half of my hair that just keeps falling out no matter what i do  i am totally gutted and crushed and have flashbacks of everything i have seen there is so much i havent wrote but it would take all day to write. I just need my mum i miss her so much it foesnt just hurt it takes my breath away and i feel like my heart has been stepped on and totally crushed. I carry on my normal day blocking everything out and feel a bit normal then i think of 1 memory or see something and its like a slap in the face everything hits me and feels like i just lost her all over again. I wish someone out there could bring her back i just need to talk her and see her so much. I just cant believe there is nothing i can do to see her again my mum died age 49 and i just cant deal with her not hear with me. If anyone feels the same please reply as i feel like no one understands 

132 posts since

3 Oct 2018

Hi XprincessX,

I’m so saddened to read your story and so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine some of your heartbreak. My mum passed away 26th September 2018 from blood cancer, she was less than 5 and a half stone when she died. Cancer is the worst and to watch somebody you love so dearly in pain, feeling so helpless is very hard, I think you were incredibly brave for your mum and you would have been a great comfort being there.

I understand the anger, I felt the same, it is like a rage, life is so unfair sometimes, you want the world to stop, it’s not right is it, without our mum’s here. You realise what people mean when they talk about a broken heart and yes, it literally takes your breath away.

Everybody is individual in their grief, even if we experience the same things and there are no time-frames or right or wrong way to grieve, whatever you feel is normal but it’s very difficult to face and go through on your own. As you say counselling is not right for you at this time, I’m not sure if you have had a chat with your GP, mine was very helpful and understanding, he/she could offer guidance that may help….or post on this forum, people here have helped me so much and just understanding what you’re going through does help. Others will come along and post, with wiser words than me….I just wanted to say I was so very sorry to read your story aout your much loved mum and hope that you will in time find more peaceful and happier memories of your mum….it isn’t easy but you will find strength you didn’t think you had.

Take care,

Linda

x

28 posts since

19 Jul 2019

Hi xprincessx,

 

Your story brought me to tears and you wrote with such detail and clarity that I can actually feel your pain.

I just wanted you to know that I feel the same as you. My lovely mum died 10 weeks ago today,very suddenly. There were no goodbyes and no one prepared me that it could even happen. She had routine surgery on her neck and for reasons unknown, suffered a major brain hemorrhage in the recovery room.

I am still in complete and utter shock. I know she has died because her bedroom and living room are empty and she no longer potters round our house or sits and talks to me. We were very close and she moved into my house a year ago today to help look after my daughter and to provide company for us both. She was 74 but so fit and active, she was landscaping my garden in May.

All I do is cry. I cannot seem to move on and your grief sounds very complicated.

My friend is a grief counsellor and she has recommended that I try a grief recovery method as opposed to counselling.

She has recommended a book called the grief recovery handbook which you can buy from Amazon and its s program to help people move on from their grief.

She could not recover from her dads death until she discovered this program and it was so successful she decided to train as a specialist and now runs her own business.

I have started reading the book and although I’m dreading what’s coming ( I think amongst other actions I need to write a long letter to my mum to enable completion of the program) I am determined to give it a go as I think I will be like you, still unable to get on with my life years down the line.

I am also on a waiting list for CBT which has been arranged through my gp to deal with anxieties that I have. I believe this may help you with all those horrible memories of your mum suffering.

Good luck with what you decide but please be assured that you are in no way alone in your grief x

6 posts since

16 Jan 2019

Thank you so nuch for replying and i am so sorry to read you have lost your mum to it is pure torture of the heart and head and really is the hardest thing to every except. I will deffinatley buy the book as it is sonething i can do and read on my own while my partner is at work and sounds like it may help me. I still feel the same now to when i lost my mum and when i think of her the shock makes me cold and my anxiety goes sky high that i can just sit in a daze for hours looking through my phone and not finding any energy its horrible. I really hope we can both get through it and thank you again for replying it means alot that there are others out there that no how i feel because even the doctors wouldnt understand unless they have been through it to x

6 posts since

16 Jan 2019

Hi linda thank you so much for your reply it means alit and i am do sorry to hear about your mum bless you. My mum weighed around the same as yours i eoukf say about 6 stone and it is so hard to see someone you love so much so thin and frail its just heartbreaking. You are right cancer really is the worst and i wish it was quick but it was her suffering that has totally ruined me. I will eventually go to the gp but i find it so hard to speak to people when they dont no how i am feeling and i put my mask on so i cant even explain it properly because i am scared to let my greif out infront of someone. I think in a way i dont want to except it she was my everything and i just cant let her go without letting myself go if that makes sense x

1434 posts since

5 Oct 2016

I’m so sorry 4 u loss of u mum it brought a tear 2 my eye . Brought it all back 2 me god it hurts so much don’t it Sad it’s 2 year since my wonderful mother passed away 2 bowel cancer she was 72 . Every day is struggle that all I want 2 do is sleep because when I’m wake it hurts like hell the flash back my anxiety I have had them since my mother was first diagnosed with bowel cancer and seening her go through chemo that nearly killed here she was so ill back for 2 hospital etc. I’m rambling again i just want 2 say I do understand most of us on here understand anytime u need chat I’m here u take care x 

28 posts since

19 Jul 2019

Glad I could be of some comfort.

I knew I would lose mum one day but I genuinely thought she would be in her 90s like her mum.

I’m still in so much shock that she has gone. I dont know how we will get through it, I just know we have to.

My daughter is missing her nan enough let alone seeing me sad all day every day.

I have found that taking walks help and the sunshine helps too.im dreading the return of winter. 

Take care x

6 posts since

16 Jan 2019

Hi gemini thank you so much for replying and your really not going on it makes me feel relieved i am not the only one that is suffering because no matter who i talk to i feel like i totally waste my breath and time trying to explain how i feel when they have not been through it themself. I am so sorry to hear about your mum it us such a struggle i fell the exact same. Since writting my story this morning i havent even got dressed today i have just sat in my garden drinking coffee after coffee playing on my phone and didnt even realised the time was so late. I just go into a daze were i block it out in my head but it still takes its toll on my body x

6 posts since

16 Jan 2019

Bless you my son also is missing his nan and winter brings it all back for me also. We just have to keep going the best we can and i no this sounds bad vut i hate seeing older people with there mothers that are old i get jelous and think why couldnt it have happened to someone else. I no people wouldnt wish bad things to happen to others but in this case i would but it does sound mean i just miss her and wish it didnt happen to us x

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