Memory, Memento, Momento
I was unprepared for the powerful flood of memories that the sparkling silver flow of a school of sardines triggered in my mind. All at once, I was back in time with a lowly can of sardines on the kitchen table. That beautiful image of the sparkling fish swimming in front of my eyes was associated with that can with the pull top lid somewhere deep in my memory.
Did you know that memento, something that serves as a reminder of someone or something, is also spelled “momento?” It used to be considered a misspelling of memento, but it is no longer considered so. I was thinking about this in my waking moments this morning. A little odd, I know. But “momento” also means “moment” in Spanish and mementos often remind us of certain moments in our lives that have deep significance. These are the moments that are seared in our memory such as a first kiss, the first glimpse of your child’s face, or the last moments of a loved one’s life.
We often have mementos of the happy moments and, though we do not often intentionally keep mementos of the painful ones, they exist. As with happy memories, sometimes they exist just in the form of an association. Someone mentions a room, a place, an occasion or event in their life and, boom…you are right back in the midst of the painful event that is associated with one of those things. Or, you stumble upon a photograph that reminds you of it. These are called triggers.
Sometimes, it can be the anniversary of a painful event or even when your child reaches the age at which the painful event occurred in your own life that brings back the explicit memories or just implicit memories and feelings associated with the painful event. In psychology, these are called anniversary reactions.
Anniversary reactions are a little different than triggered memories because they are often unconscious memories that come up on or around the anniversaries of the past event. You may begin to feel sadness or anxiety just as you did at the time of the event without really knowing why. You may even begin to dream about it. The mind remembers even without it being in the forefront of your thoughts.
This happens to me every year around the first of December. I begin to feel a sadness and a heaviness inside, without knowing why. I think of my mom and miss her more acutely for several days and then realize that the anniversary of her passing is quickly approaching.
We treasure the mementos of those we love and the happy occasions they bring to mind, but the mementos of painful events can be unwelcome and difficult.
So, what do we do when they occur? How do we deal with them?
Although it may seem counterintuitive, as with other difficulties in our emotional lives (fears, conflicts, anxiety, etc.), the best way to deal with triggered memories and anniversary reactions is to fully face them. This begins with awareness and presence.
Practice presence.
Presence is simply paying attention to the present moment and what is going on inside of you. Sometimes it helps to find a quiet place to slow down and be still in order to pay attention to what you are feeling and thinking. Going for a walk is my “go to” for practicing both awareness and presence. Others find meditation, prayer, and/or journaling helpful.
Identify the trigger or association.
Some triggers or associations are obvious and others are less so. Why is identifying the trigger important? Often we don’t fully recognize the emotional impact something has had on us at the time. When something in the present produces an emotional reaction in us that is disproportionate to the situation, it is probably a trigger…bringing up the memory of a past event or at least the emotions associated with that event. Once the past event is identified, we can process the impact it had on us and put it into the proper perspective.
An example of this is recounted in The Whole-Brain Child, by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. Whenever Dan’s newborn son began to cry inconsolably, Dan would begin to feel panic, dread, and terror. After thinking about it for a while, a specific memory came to him. The memory was from his days as a pediatric intern when he and another intern had to hold a screaming little boy down in order to draw blood from him. He had to relive this scenario over and over again as a pediatric intern and hadn’t realized the emotional toll it had taken on him. Once he realized what his current emotional response was related to, he was able to process those memories and then hear his son’s cries without all of those associations attached to them.
In her 2016 Psychology Today article (found here), Dr. Ellen Hendriksen also suggests the following specifically related to anniversary reactions (some of which also relates to other triggered painful memories):
Prepare.
If you’ve had an anniversary reaction before, prepare ahead. Minimize the stressors in your life as much as possible. Arrange for extra support around that time, if needed (a trusted friend or therapist).
Commemorate.
Decide what you can do to turn the negative into a positive. For example, if the death of a loved one triggers anniversary reactions, decide what you might want to do on that anniversary to commemorate that person. Or, if the memory is of a traumatic event, you might decide to make a yearly donation to a related support group or non-profit during that time period. If the memory of a painful event is something related to a personal relationship, focus on how you have grown and what you learned from that experience.
Remember it’s temporary. Anniversary reactions will pass.
Find support.
Get more help, if necessary. If you did not receive help at the time of the traumatic event or if it wasn’t as effective as you would have liked, seek further help now. Find a therapist who is experienced in dealing with the kind of trauma you are experiencing and one with whom you feel a rapport or a connection. There is also no shame in using medication for a time to help you through the trauma.
As for the happy memories, cherish them…
As I stood in front of that huge, circular tank and watched the sparkle of silver as the sardines swam by, I was suddenly transported back about 45 years. My dad had come home for lunch on a warm summer day. He pulled out a can of sardines, a box of Triscuits, a wedge of cheese, and a McIntosh apple. He placed them all on a breadboard and sat down at the kitchen table. I remembered him pulling back the lid on the can and laughing at my reaction as he offered me one of the little sardines on a cracker. I remembered the textured orange wallpaper and shelves on the wall behind him. I remembered the hardness of the captains’ chairs in which we were seated and the vinyl orange placemats on the dark wood of the table. I remembered his voice. I remembered the love between us. My throat constricted and my eyes filled with tears as I stood there in the aquarium remembering my dad.
Memory, memento, momento…
Memory, Memento, Momento
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