Actually, It’s Okay to Disagree with People at Work
Disagreements are not necessarily a bad thing. However, it can be difficult to disagree with someone with more experience than you, especially when you’re in the early stages of your career.
Job and life advice for young professionals. See more from Ascend here.
What’s your first reaction when you don’t agree with what your manager is saying? You might imagine everything that could go horribly wrong if you pushed back. When you’re young and in the early stages of your career, disagreeing with someone more experienced than you can be incredibly difficult.
Years ago, I faced a situation like this in one of my first roles as a project manager. I had a client (let’s call him Jon) who I thought was difficult. During our weekly catch-ups, he’d come with a whole list of things for me to do for the following week. He’d even create schedules for me. Most times, I didn’t quite agree with how he wanted me to go about things or the order in which he wanted me to do them. I knew that if I tackled similar tasks together, I’d be more efficient and quicker. But being new to the workforce and conflict averse, I thought it best to remain quiet and follow the rules: The client is always right.
Week after week, Jon and I would discuss progress, upcoming projects, and the weather — everything except the elephant in the room. There were many times that I thought about quitting. Because I believed it was impossible to disagree without getting into an argument, I continued to dwell in misery. I was never able to check things off my to-do list, buried under a pile of work that had no expiration date.
After six months of working tirelessly with Jon, I decided to do something about it. One day, during our weekly call, I summoned up the courage and let the cat out of the bag.
“I think there is a better way to do this, Jon. Would you mind me suggesting?”
There was an awkward silence for about 30 seconds, and then he spoke.
“I’d love to hear it!” He seemed excited. “I thought you didn’t have an opinion on this. Ideas are always welcome.”
That’s when I realized that Jon had probably been under the impression that I had never spoken up because, maybe, I didn’t have an opinion about our work.
Jon wasn’t being difficult. He was just taking charge of things because he thought I wouldn’t. The projects usually had a tight deadline, and we had to keep the ball rolling. Someone had to take the lead.
“I’ve always liked the quality of your work and I know that you’re capable, but you never come forth with ideas or alternate ways,” he said. “It’s always made me think that you’re not interested in working with me or the projects we work on. To me, it was the final output that mattered, and time was of essence, so I never prodded.”
That hit me hard.
From that day on, we always discussed the pros and cons of how we were going to execute a task — within budget and on time. Not only did it lead us to have a great working relationship, the discussions (sometimes even heated, but respectful) lead to us figuring out the best solutions.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some tactics that have worked for me over the years:
Ask more questions: When you don’t agree with something, don’t immediately accept it. This can be hard when you’re just starting out or if you’re entering a new role. But if you ask respectfully — with curiosity and positive intent — you will likely be rewarded, not punished. By probing and discussing things, you will not only figure out what matters to the people on your team (as I did with my client), but also how they prefer to work. In my case, it only got easier with every new project because I had understood how to respond to Jon’s requests and proactively suggest ways of doing things that were the sweet spot for both him and me.
Use it as an opportunity to learn: When you disagree, you come out the other side learning a new way to do something, which could sometimes be better and more efficient. Disagreements also help you think creatively. With the little experience you have, it’s not possible to have an answer to everything right away. By discussing the situation, listening intently, and finding the best possible solution, you gain an opportunity to think critically and challenge your own assumptions, which helps you learn and grow.
I remember how Jon would invariably suggest something I hadn’t thought of (or wasn’t in a capacity to think of) and instead of simply agreeing with him, I would rack my brain to outsmart his suggestions and think of an even better way of completing a task. I didn’t always come up with a brilliant solution, but I learnt how to push my limits and think creatively.
Use it to hone your negotiation skills: Think about it this way: When you disagree with someone or something, you’re really negotiating. Successful negotiations are all about reaching a probable, mutually beneficial outcome. You’re trying to influence the other person to understand your point of view, and you’re trying to understand what matters to them. The back-and forth with Jon helped me understand his style of working and his priorities better, and it helped me learn how to respect views that were different from mine. We would leave the discussions feeling heard. In the end, it boiled down to knowing that the solution we were following through on was in both of our interests.
Disagreeing with someone is not about getting into a fight or about unkindness. It’s about how difference of opinions can lead to better work outcomes. So don’t assume that a disagreements always lead to damaged relations. As long as you show respect to the other person, while safeguarding your self respect, disagreements can fuel better work relations and performance.
Actually, It’s Okay to Disagree with People at Work
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