The Kind Way to Be More Assertive
The first thought that comes to mind when I think about “assertiveness” is the word “abrasiveness”. I think about confrontations, shouting, being a hardball, and not taking shit from anyone in a very vocally expressed way. I think about the way some of my colleagues negotiate and the fact that it gets them what they want. I think about the advice regarding negotiations that goes around in a Facebook group for financial literacy for women I am in.
Everything I associate with assertiveness is in some way or another linked to conflict. You have to fight for something. You can not be nice about it. You can not be too soft.
And therein lies my problem. I do not like fighting with people. Not only am I not very disagreeable, but I am also not interested in becoming or acting as if I were more abrasive. Even when I factor out the part of me that is still afraid of speaking up for myself, even when I imagine infinite confidence, I still do not see myself getting what I want by playing games of “who is the hardest hardass in the room”.
I still want to get what I want, though. I want to negotiate for what I think is fair and I want to receive it, too. The fact that, in my observation, my boss is more likely to give someone a pay rise because he is afraid the person will leave, or they are threatening him in some way is not very encouraging. I do not want to play that game, but at the same time, it seems to work.
This got me thinking about what assertiveness means to me and how I can be more assertive but still be myself.
A lot of the time the image we have of kindness has a lot more to do with obligingness or subservience. Just the way we confuse assertiveness with abrasiveness, we also think that the right way to be kind is to give everyone whatever they want and never ask for anything.
I didn’t only have a problem with saying “no” to people. I also had a massive problem saying what it was I wanted. Part of that might have been the fact that I was not clear on what it was that I wanted, but even when I knew what it was, I still felt it was wrong to say so. Especially when I wanted different things than the people around me.
I have since learned that kindness and strong wants are not mutually exclusive. Kindness is about how I communicate what I want. It is about how I interact with people at least as much as it is about what that interaction entails.
I had to find my own way to be assertive. I am not a very good actress, and I am also deeply uncomfortable acting outside of my nature. If I were to try and be assertive in the same way as someone who gets their way by being abrasive, I would have to put myself into a pretty aggressive, negative mindset. That is not a space I want to be in. On top of that, anger usually makes me cry and crying is not conducive to clear communication and respectful negotiation either.
I can not fake it until I make it because even if I did, I would not make it as myself. The idea is to be fully in my own power, not in someone else’s. Besides, these facades have a way of crumbling down in the least convenient moment revealing all the hurt I have inflicted on myself by trying to be someone else.
Saying what I want and being clear about what is and what isn’t ok to do to me is the best way to be assertive and kind. Most people do not want to treat me badly; they just end up doing so because I never told them how to interact with me. Sure, there is always the obstinate prick who will and will not quit, but in general, people don’t really want to hurt other people. They also do not habitually want to keep me from getting what I want.
By being clear and open about what I want, I give people the best shot at treating me well and helping me get there. My boundaries are not only there for me, but they are also there for others.
This is a little bit like the way young children respond best to clear rules, kindly but explicitly expressed. We think that only kids need clear instructions, but the truth is that we never grow out of the need for them.
Also, a lot of the time, people are more relieved than angry when I tell them what it is I want. They then have something to go on. They know how to deal with me.
The negotiation tactic I made up for myself around this is to tell my boss exactly what it is that I want. I don’t say “I just want more of everything”. I say “I would like to have Fridays off and work from home two days a week.”
Clarity is not only kind; it is also a really cool superpower.
I want to get everything I want one day. On top of that, I hope I have many more things that I want by the time I get there. I struggled with allowing myself to want things because part of me believed that wanting more meant that I was not grateful enough for what I had.
I also believed that I always needed a good reason for wanting something. I had to justify it somehow.
But guess what, you can want whatever you want. You don’t have to have a good reason. You don’t have to deserve it, even. You might have to earn the actual thing, but you deserve to want anything from the get-go.
Dealing with the mental and emotional blocks around wanting things helped me be a lot more open about them. I don’t feel ashamed or greedy just because I want more from life anymore. Here is to wanting everything and doing the work to get it.
Not always having to second-guess my desires helped me a lot with being more assertive.
Realising that I can want things was step one. Step two was separating want and desire from entitlement. When wanting things, I was always afraid that I would act entitled until I realised that one has very little to do with the other. Having a desire for something is, at its core, a neutral thing. It is a feeling that I have. I want something.
Entitlement, on the other hand, is not neutral. It is the feeling that “I should have this”, not “I want this”. Entitlement is like a wish that believes itself to be a right. It is the anger and injustice we feel at not having our desires rather than the desires themselves.
Some people use entitlement to be assertive. I just don’t want to be one of them.
I want a lot. But one thing I do not want is to be a selfish person with no compassion. To reassure myself here, I think through what I want and try to find the spot where I get what I want but am as far from selfishness as I can get. I also think about the kindest way to communicate what I want.
Sometimes, this almost feels like a Solomonian Judgment. When I find the balancing point, the spot where I know I am being as open, respectful, and considerate towards others as I can be while I pursue what I want, I feel a deep inner peace. It is not hard to say what I want anymore, because I have done the work, found clarity, and also found the kindest way to go about it.
The kindest way, by the way, never involves lying to people. It usually leads to a very open and honest conversation sooner rather than later. Once I have clarity and made a decision, I don’t like to drag it out. It is like getting a band-aid off a wound. A few kind words and a decisive tear will do.
Doing the work and untangling assertiveness and aggressiveness from each other helped me be a lot more vocal about what I want. I have no problem telling someone that something bothers me anymore. Well, almost.
My experience with speaking up for myself clearly but kindly has been incredibly positive. I did not get nearly as much pushback as I feared. In fact, I hardly ever get any. Most of the time, the response is positive.
I got a lot better at having difficult conversations and generally feel more respected because here is the thing:
Respect is an inside job.
I had to respect myself first. I can not ask from others what I am not willing to give to myself.
The Kind Way to Be More Assertive
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