The best ways to deal with unsolicited advice
by: E.B. Johnson
Unsolicited advice can make us feel stressed, offended and even hurt. Even when it comes from the people who know us and love us most, unsolicited advice can read as criticism and cause us to internalize generalizations and assumptions that just aren’t true.
Responding to unsolicited advice is an art form, but learning how to master it is imperative to protect your emotional wellbeing. By learning how to reply in a manner that keeps you strong without giving away your personal power, you can turn unsolicited advice into a learning and growth experience.
There are a lot of reasons that people give us unwarranted advice. Your mother might give you unwanted advice because she’s concerned for you and wants the best for you. Your coworker might genuinely want to help you or make things easier for you…but there may also be more to it than that.
It’s important to always remember the possibility that the advice you’re receiving is coming from a not-so-good place.
As humans, we all have our little hang-up’s and, sometimes, that can tinge our view of the people and situations around us. When life gets tough, it can become easy to project our unhappiness on the people around us.
Some people give advice because they need emotional validation or they have issues self-regulating their feelings. Others might give advice in order to feel like they have some sort of control on the people around them.
Consider the advice you receive and consider the source. Always remember that everyone is going through a personal struggle and often those struggles can impact us in ways we don’t even realize. If the advice seems like it’s coming from less-than-selfless place, discard it. Not all advice is created equal and neither are advisors.
Before getting into the concrete steps you can take to deal with an unsolicited advice encounter, let’s take a few minutes to talk about boundaries.
When we’re getting unwanted advice from someone, it’s often because we haven’t set boundaries with that person. Somehow, in their day-to-day interactions with us, this person has somehow come to belief that they have a right to tell you what to do. You bear a bit of responsibility for this. You need to make your boundaries clear.
Setting personal boundaries is the key to the success of any relationship, be it professional or personal.
Boundaries are a measure of our self-esteem and set the limits for what is and isn’t acceptable behavior around us. Boundaries are all about mutual respect, and they make it clear that you won’t take people putting you down, making fun of you or otherwise compromising your good nature.
When people give us unsolicited advice, it’s because we haven’t made our boundary lines clear with them. Weak boundaries leave us vulnerable to the emotional manipulation of others and degrades our self-esteem and confidence.
Now, it’s never too late to set boundaries, but you have to know how to go about it. When we’re in the heat of the confrontation, we can be tempted to react harshly, but it’s imperative to keep your cool and establish your boundaries carefully and wisely.
Take a step back from the situation and consider how you can respond from a thoughtful versus reactive place. Once you’re calm, address the situation from your perspective and do it with calm and grace. Validate the advisor and thank them for their contribution; but make it clear the advice will go no further.
Unwanted advice is a real problem. Once you’ve taken a step back and considered the advice, identify it and the place it’s come from. This knowledge in hand you can set your boundaries and make a stand in just a few simple steps.
Some people just won’t ever take you seriously, and that’s okay. If you know the advice you’re getting is bogus (and you know the person giving you the advice is bogus too) don’t waste your time entertaining it’s validity — shut it down.
Let the person know clearly, and in no uncertain terms, that you don’t want anymore advice from them; no matter what they think. You can still respond calmly, but you can be firm enough to set those boundaries line hard and let them know you’re not going to take it anymore.
Avoid the sarcasm and shoot straight from the hip. Say something like:
or:
Sticking up for yourself doesn’t have to equal being rude or inconsiderate, just make it clear that you know yourself and the direction you want to take. A simple response is often enough to shut down someone who is so emotionally volatile they feel the need to give you poor and unwanted advice.
Shut it down and make it sure everyone knows that you are the master of your own destiny.
Even when we get good advice from someone, unsolicited feedback can hurt our feelings. The key to building a good defense against this is realizing that everyone has an opinion, but they also have their hang-up’s — you can’t take their ideas about your life personally.
More often than not, the advice-giver is someone who is only speaking to reinforce their own views or opinions. They just want a set of ears to listen to them, or they may just want to believe that someone cares about what they have to say.
Realize that advice isn’t always about you and sometimes about what’s going on in the life of the advice giver. Taking that on board will allow the criticism to roll of you like water off a duck’s back.
While it might tempting to engage the advisor in an all-out battle of sarcasm, the best way to deal with this kind of a situation is to move on as quickly as possible.
You don’t have to just nod and smile, it’s okay to stand up for yourself, but don’t draw out an uncomfortable situation and make it longer than it has to be. It’s okay to stand up for yourself diplomatically and then walk away, ending the confrontation on your terms (a win, when the confrontation started on their terms.)
Try saying something like:
Followed by a prompt change in direction. Or:
Give your advice giver a noncommittal response and move on, refusing to give away your power by engaging them in a battle that zaps your emotion and your energy. You don’t have to address the advice or admit it’s correct in any way. Simply walk away when you sense things aren’t right.
Sometimes, the advice we get — as painful as it might be — is actually good advice. It’s important to be able to identify what advice is worth taking on board and what advice is worth dismissing.
Shutting out good advice is just as deplorable as giving unsolicited, bad advice. When you receive advice of any type, it’s important to consider and analyze the person who is giving it and the place it’s coming from.
Examine the motivations of the person giving you advice. Do they seem to becoming from a place of concern or are they trying display some type of control? You can ask yourself the following questions and fish out what advice is worth keeping and what advice is worth tossing:
Answering these questions can make it more clear to us what place our advice giver is coming from. Sometimes, we’ll find the advice to be helpful or useful; but often, you’ll find the advice to be more of an opinion than anything else.
When you learn now to identify and analyze the advice you’re receiving you’ll be able to decide whether it’s worth the time or whether it’s worth dismissing entirely.
Even though we’d rather not think about it, unsolicited advice is everywhere and it’s hard not to let it get you down. Responding to unsolicited advice is an art form, and that means it takes practice. It’s possible, though, and mastering it will yield some truly transformational benefits.
Dealing with unwanted advice is all about setting boundaries and learning to stick up for yourself diplomatically and civilly. You can shut down advice that isn’t relevant to you, or you can take good advice on board, using it for positive change. The key is learning how to analyze advice and advice givers; allowing us to move on from poor advice and let go of the things that don’t apply to us.
Learning how to stand up for ourselves isn’t easy, but it’s necessary to cultivate the happiness we need in our lives to thrive. Don’t follow someone else’s advice unless you want to let someone else manage your life. You have the power to control your destiny — but it’s going to take some boundaries.
The best ways to deal with unsolicited advice
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