Moving Cross Country: The One Thing I Didn’t Prepare For
I am a chronic planner.
I love lists, schedules, and itineraries. So when I started preparing for my first cross country move from Knoxville, Tennessee to Seattle, Washington, I was bursting with excitement. There was SO MUCH to plan. And I threw myself into the process. I organized a garage sale, scheduled my move-out date, and planned my moving road-trip.
The entire moving process was a huge distraction. From the moment I knew I was moving until I arrived at my new apartment, I was consumed in the process. And even after arriving I was distracted for a while. I filled my time unpacking boxes and setting up my new apartment. But soon, I didn’t have any more boxes to unpack. And I needed to settle into life in my new city. And although I had made moving checklists, packed everything carefully, and thoroughly researched my new city, I quickly learned there was one MAJOR component of moving that I did not prepare for.
That’s right, the moving blues. Heard of them? I hadn’t, which is why I went into this emotional time completely blind. I mean I’d been homesick before, but this was a totally different experience. For me, homesickness was more about missing a place that I knew I would eventually go back to. That’s why it’s called homesickness, right? Because you are missing your home.
But the emotions I was feeling were happening in my HOME. No, I wasn’t in my college dorm longing to go back to my parents’ comfortable house. This wasn’t a hotel where I was just missing the familiarity of my own bed. I was in my apartment. In my bed. With all of my stuff. And the moment that hit me I was TERRIFIED.
It felt like a huge file had just been downloaded into my brain all at once. Thoughts were rushing around my head and I couldn’t keep up. The realizations were hitting me one after another. I had moved 2,500 miles away from my hometown. Besides my husband, I didn’t know anyone in my new city. I needed to find a new doctor and dentist. Where would I get my hair cut? What would be my go-to grocery store? If you can’t tell, I was spiraling fast.
I did my best to ignore those thoughts. Transitions are supposed to be hard, right? I assumed that everything would work itself out and I just needed to give myself time to settle in. And this was partially true. Over the next few weeks, I slowly started to adjust to my new city. I found my go-to coffee shop, learned the quickest route to the grocery store, and began establishing a routine. On the outside, I looked confident and well-adjusted. After all, I was a big-city girl now. I wore my sunglasses, headphones, and no-shits-given attitude with pride. But to tell you the truth, I did give a shit. And on the inside, I didn’t feel adjusted at all. In fact, I felt completely isolated and alone.
Sure, maybe some part of me was prepared to face moving challenges. You could even say I was excited about them. After all, the reason I wanted to move in the first place was to stretch myself. I was ready to step outside of my comfort zone and try new things.
Yeah, that all sounded so much easier in theory than it actually was.
It took a cross-country move for me to realize just how big my emotional comfort zone actually was. I started to question everything. Who was I without my readily available network of friends and family? Sure, I hadn’t lost them. They were just a phone call or text away. But most of my people were in Eastern Time while I was 3 hours behind on the West Coast. And although I had brushed this off at first, it made a huge difference.
So you might be asking, “but Steph, didn’t you move with your husband?” I did. But let me tell you, having my husband as my only social outlet did not make me feel any less isolated.
In fact, I felt pretty dang awful.
I have never moved across the country on my own. All of you brave solo-movers are so inspiring. But that wasn’t my situation so I can’t speak to that. I moved with my husband. And before the move, I thought this would be great for our relationship. It would be the two of us against the world.
And it was, just the two of us. All the time.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband. We have a great relationship that was made even stronger through the moves. But quickly after moving, I realized that he was my only social outlet in Seattle. And it was really easy to get comfortable with that. Initially, I didn’t feel the need to stretch myself too much. He was my travel buddy. We had a blast exploring the city together. But it didn’t take long to feel really stuck in our bubble. It was a hard conversation to have, but I finally told my husband that I needed another outlet. Something that allowed me to meet other people and start building a social circle.
But where the heck do you start?
If you have never tried to make friends as an adult, let me tell you, it ain’t easy. Besides my husband, I had no connections in Seattle. I wasn’t in school and it was a few months before I started a job. How are you supposed to find friends? No one wants to talk to you just walking down the street.
I quickly learned that making friends is a struggle. But I decided I need to put myself out there. Introverted, socially awkward me. I had to dig deep and decide what was important. So I did. And let me tell you a few secrets I learned along the way: you have to show up and you have to say yes.
While I was struggling to build a social circle I came across a great piece of advice. Go to the same places at the same time. Make a routine and stick to it. Ok, that made sense in theory. But was I really going to make friends by just going to the same grocery store every Tuesday at 10 AM? Maybe not, but I did meet someone at a coffee shop.
I had been working from the same Starbucks around the same time every day. And after a couple of weeks, I noticed a girl who was also regularly there at the same time as me. So I decided to introduce myself to her. The introvert in me strongly resisted this bright idea. I mean, why would this stranger at Starbucks want to talk to me? She’s doing her own thing and probably doesn’t want to be bothered. And she might not be looking for friends. And she might think I am just down-right strange for trying to strike up a conversation with her.
But let me tell you, I was so wrong. We ended up having a great conversation. She had also recently moved to Seattle and didn’t know that many people in the city. She even told me that she had been wanting to introduce herself to me. After a nice conversation, we exchanged numbers. We began to regularly meet up for coffee or dinner. And we still keep in touch even after I left Seattle.
Slowly I began to meet more people in my city. Along the way, I learned how to say “yes.” It had always been so easy for me to turn down invitations. Like I mentioned earlier, I am a card-carrying introvert. So I struggle with meeting new people and accepting their offers to hang out. But you know what, once I started saying yes, I learned that I actually enjoy meeting new people. And the process really isn’t that scary. In fact, I even began seeking out more ways to meet people. I started volunteering and I joined Meetup groups. And I met some pretty great people in the process.
So I learned that friendships don’t happen overnight. Moving across the country away from my social network really drove this point home. And I learned the value of real friendships. You will quickly understand just how important those true friends are. The ones who work around the time zone differences and still show up in your daily life. Appreciate them and love them.
But I also learned that I needed to stretch myself and create a social network in my new home. And this takes time. I had to be patient with myself. And in the process, I learned how to step outside my comfort zone. I ventured into my introverted self’s ultimate nightmare and willingly attended a meetup where I didn’t know anyone. But this process taught me so much about myself and I will always be proud of this time of growth.
So yes, I began to settle into my new life. I was making friends and forming a routine. I liked Seattle and it finally felt like home. But just 6 months into the process I found out I was moving again. My husband was given the opportunity to transition to a new office in New York City.
I have always wanted to live in New York, so this seemed like the perfect chance. We jumped into the opportunity again and transitioned to a new life in New York City.
Going into my second move, I was more prepared for the moving blues. This time, I expected the anxiety and isolation. But since I knew how challenging this process had been in Seattle, I decided to tackle the issue head-on this time.
Almost immediately I began searching for ways to feel a part of my new community. I began volunteering, attending Meetups, and reaching out to any connection I had. And I won’t say this transition was flawless. I’ve still felt isolated and lost at times. But since I already went through a major bout of moving blues, I was more equipped to deal with it the second time around.
If you made it through this entire post, thank you. I know it was a long one, but I really needed to reflect on all of this. And if you are about to make a move or are in the process, I don’t want to scare you. Your experience could be completely different than mine. And overall, moving was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Yes, it’s difficult and frightening at times, but it is also rewarding and life-changing.
I promise I will write another post about all the amazing things that moving has done for my life. I want to share all the positive life-lessons, new skills, and adventures I’ve had along the way. But I also wanted to be honest because moving is tough. And can be really scary. I wish I had been more prepared for that before I moved. Knowing all of this wouldn’t have made me change my mind, but I would have been more prepared for the intense emotional roller coaster I had just been strapped in to.
So if you are experiencing a case of moving blues, know that you are not alone. It’s a real thing. Just know it does get better and there are people to talk to about it.
Originally published here.
Moving Cross Country: The One Thing I Didn’t Prepare For
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