Would you like your tongue back from the cat?
How to become a master of difficult conversations
Have you have ever left an important conversation feeling angry, guilty, embarrassed or disappointed with the outcome? A job interview gone awry, an awkward word with the boss, a failed attempt to get a date? You can probably remember at least one significant exchange that felt dissatisfying and tormented you for hours afterwards, replaying in your head with an endless stream of much better scenarios.
This can happen despite any efforts we make in advance to prepare. While contemplating a substantial conversation, most of us become aware of our physical tension and distressing emotions. Consequently, we are tempted to script what we are going to say to lessen the discomfort. Some of us reach out to friends and colleagues for advice, others join assertiveness workshops or read coaching books; all hoping to maximise our chances of a satisfying result. Why is it then that so many of us dread high stakes conversations? Is there a way in which we could welcome these challenging situations like a good friend and anticipate them with confidence? You’ll be happy to know that the answer is “Yes!”
The simple and practical four step method I am about to share has helped hundreds of my clients reach for and achieve better results at a significantly reduced level of emotional cost. I regularly use it during coaching sessions; however, you don’t necessarily need a coach to benefit from it. Read through the steps outlined, grab a colleague, your partner or a friendly stranger, and ask for twenty minutes of their time and attention. If you follow the instructions below, you may see yourself become more open-minded, relaxed and comfortable, while communicating what truly matters to you. Sound ambitious? Let me introduce you to the notion of ‘conversation rehearsal’.
1. Examine and question your desired outcome
Having looked at hundreds of scenarios, I can absolutely state that how you define your desired outcome makes or breaks the conversation more than any other factor. What is your real intention for the conversation? Let’s imagine that you dream of going with someone on a date. If you define success as them saying “Okay” or failure as them saying “No”, you can create tension for yourself because you’ll want to avoid one of these two scenarios at any cost.
What if you were to completely let go of pursuing a Yes/No answer to a request for a date? Instead, what would happen if you were to choose as a first step to get to know this person better, allow them to see more of you and explore the possibility of having a closer relationship through these interactions? You can call the contemplation of this choice ‘setting your intention’. If you do that, chances are you will show up better in the conversation and open up the possibility of several different outcomes. It may lead to an unexpected event so amazing that you forget all about the original ‘date’ idea. It’s a worthy experiment.
Notice that every conversation occurs in the context of a relationship, and that how you show up will either enhance or diminish the relationship. Ask yourself what has more importance: an immediate result or co-creating a space which you and the other person might enjoy, thrive in and benefit from in the long-term?
2. Accept that you cannot control the other person in the conversation.
People sometimes imagine that preparing for a conversation means finding a way of saying what they want so effectively that the other party feels compelled to comply. No amount of preparation will equip anyone with such irresistible appeal. On the other hand, if you accept this as truth and give up the urge to control, you will paradoxically maximize your chances of receiving a favourable response.
3. Take the risk to reveal more.
In challenging conversations, you will likely feel uncertain, nervous, anxious, etc. Your instinct will most probably tell you to hide this inner unrest. Many of us believe that it’s dangerous to share our motivation for having a challenging conversation. This means we expend tremendous energy concealing our inner reality. Our interlocutor, in turn, will sense this and expend some of their energy trying to guess, or worse inventing a story, about what it is we are hiding. When you allow yourself to reveal your fear as well as your agenda, the fear begins to loosen its grip, the tension between you and the other person lessens, and your impact becomes authentic and trustworthy.
This happened to me recently when, at the last minute, I needed to move home and allow my rental agreement to expire. I knew this would come as a shock to the property owners, as I’d indicated my intention to extend it several weeks before. I was worried they might react angrily, thinking that I’d messed them around. Preparing for the conversation, I formed an intention to be honest about my situation and ask for consideration and compassion. This meant sharing the uncomfortable truth about the crisis in my relationship with my partner, my embarrassment and fear. While it felt uneasy in the moment, ultimately this approach brought me relief and provided satisfaction for both parties. We agreed an amicable way of exiting from our agreement. Even better, I know that their door will always be open in future for me. In my observation, being transparent is surprisingly unpopular, given how well it wins others over. Most people respond positively to unguarded communication and are willing to help.
To practice in this area, you can draw from the powerful principles of Non-violent Communication (NVC). I recommend using them, especially if you feel angry with the person you want to confront. Anger helps us defend our boundaries, but it can also generate a false and detrimental sense of self-righteousness. Most of us are familiar with anger yet find it harder to identify what tends to lie underneath: fear, helplessness and other vulnerable feelings. In preparing for the conversation, you may find it helpful to examine your inner state with the help of this emotions inventory provided by the Center for Non-Violent Communication. Many people find it particularly beneficial to distinguish between words denoting feelings and other words commonly used after ‘I feel’, such as ‘blamed’, ‘betrayed’ or ‘ignored’. The latter ones conceal judgments and will create defensiveness rather than cooperation. Sharing your feelings, on the other hand, has a positive, transformative effect on the person we relate to.
4. After completing steps 1–3, rehearse.
Once an actor has their lines, costume and props, it’s time to go on stage. Before the audience shows up, actors will spend weeks practicing being their character, with the other members of the cast and the director, to perfect the impact on the audience. Likewise, I recommend that you refine your approach with the guidance of a director — in this case, your coach or the person engaged to support you.
Brief them for the role by describing the upcoming conversation, sharing your intentions and goals, the risks that concern you, and a few words about the person you are going to have the conversation with. Ask your supporter to play that person’s character while you try out various ways of starting the conversation with them. Ask them to respond as they imagine their character would. It looks like a simple role play exercise, yet it can transform the course of any challenging conversation. If you are wondering how your supporter will know what to say, given they’ve never met the person they’re representing, just try it. You’ll find out they’ll be surprisingly real. What’s more important, they will reflect back to you the impact your words and behaviour have. This will allow you to refine your approach and — with a few attempts — see yourself succeed in creating the impact you intended. What a valuable boost for your confidence prior to the actual challenge.
You might ask: “Why should I bother?” In my experience, rehearsing conversations provides numerous benefits:
– It allows you to assess your readiness and improve upon it.
– You get risk-free feedback on the impact of your words and behaviour.
– You can safely practice stating your concerns with the right balance between emotionality and rationality.
– And it enables you take responsibility for your part in the situation instead of trying to force your agenda or, to the contrary, give your power away.
Rehearsing does not guarantee that you will achieve your particular goal in every conversation. However, it does open you up to a wider range of possibilities, helps reduce the stress and maximises your satisfaction during these challenging interactions. And the best part? After you have worked through a decent number of rehearsals, you will notice that honest, empowered conversations have become an integrated, natural and habitual part of your repertoire, and rather than following these steps, you can now follow your instinct.
If you are preparing for a challenging conversation, and would value some support, please drop me a line.
Would you like your tongue back from the cat?
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