Harboring a Grudge Imprisons You
Forgiveness sets you free
It’s hard to find a well-being book without a reference to forgiveness, and for good reason.
It is important.
Only problem is, the notion you must forgive yourself, and anyone who steps on your toes, is so common, you mightn’t take note — a case of not seeing the wood for the trees.
If you’ve trained yourself to let go of grudges and start a fresh, you understand the benefits. You don’t need a nudge to purge yourself of heavy resentment and angst since you do so naturally.
People in the mire of resentment, though, aren’t attracted to forgiveness. Demanding emotions trap them. Self-talk tells them they are right to be mad and want revenge.
They might even imagine not mellowing their heart is an act of strength and self-preservation — a misguided thought.
You may need to stand up for yourself sometimes, and for the rights of others. If you don’t, you are an observer of wrongdoings who allows harmful events to occur.
Nonetheless…
Much of the time people cling to hatred and bitterness, without creating positive change in the world, and create negativity.
Those who don’t forgive themselves for mistakes listen to negative self-talk too. The phrases “you’re not good enough” and “you’ll never be acceptable” swim in their head and they drown under the volume.
Emotional nasties — guilt and shame — rear up and batter you if you don’t let yourself off the hook after blunders. Sometimes, you might hold yourself hostage for not owning qualities you’d rather have, and it hurts.
Lack of forgiveness — a torturous burden — is suffocating. The only way to breathe properly and feel light again is to let go.
Whether you’re angry with your father for not ‘being there’ enough, or annoyed with your brother for his superior academic prowess, you hold the key to liberation.
It’s easy to imagine someone else is the root of your anxiety. After all, if they mistreated you or triggered your pain some other way, surely you can’t be to blame?
If you want to assign blame, however, you won’t shake off resentment — blame and resentment are bedfellows.
When you lash out at people, in your head or literally, you lose. You can’t harbor negativity without suffering.
Some people have big, obvious emotional burdens, but everyday grudges are harmful too. They are so small they are barely visible, yet they affect you.
Perhaps you’re mad at a neighbor for making a noise at night (or complaining you are noisy). Or you’re upset with a friend for not calling when they said they would.
It’s okay to lament, and natural too. Still, let grievances fester, turning stories over in your mind, and you’ll grow heavy.
To keep a grudge intact, you must feed it as it’s a hungry animal. It demands regular meals of loathing and bitterness.
Drip-feed your grumbling angst with rancor, and the occasional splurge of indignation, and it will enjoy a long life.
If you stop providing the fuel your grudges crave, they will fade into nothing. The result will be lightness and freedom. But what if you want to feed negativity because you get something from doing so? What might that something be?
Sometimes, we go over a painful past because we want to find closure. We need to understand what happened and why.
Were we to blame? Could we have behaved differently? Are we supposed to do something about the event?
Questions might grind away in your mind. Unresolved conflict lingers, but it doesn’t do you any favors. It’s best to separate the lessons you’ve learned from the event.
Did the experience strengthen you? Are you wiser? More understanding of others who face a similar predicament?
Grudges stem from the past, and if you have them that’s where you live — in your head at least. Someone did or said something you find unacceptable.
Perceiving you can’t accept their behavior is useful. You know what you don’t want and can adjust your boundaries, but beyond that, holding a grudge isn’t helpful.
When you forgive people, you cast off the weight that holds you down and stops joy surfacing.
Doing so doesn’t mean you must forget lessons learned or spend time with people who don’t serve your greatest good. It means you claim back control and create headroom.
The decision to forgive, nonetheless, can’t be just an intellectual choice. You must experience it. When not felt, pressure remains in place.
One way to forgive is by recognizing people can’t do more than they can do.
People often look as if they can behave well and should know better than to do the things they do, but they can only use the degree of emotional intelligence they’ve gained so far.
Remembering their actions stem from doing what they imagine is okay can help you forgive them.
Even mentally disturbed individuals (that’s all of us occasionally no doubt), and criminals act from the understanding they’ve reached.
The same is true of you. Recall your emotional intelligence sets the bar for how you act. You might not make the same mistakes tomorrow if you’ve learned from them.
Today, as you make them, however, you are behaving in the way you imagine is right for you.
We toss the word forgiveness about, but it’s prudent to recognize its value.
The more you forgive the less burdened you will be, and you’ll experience a greater frequency of elevated emotions. Among them happiness, joy, bliss, and everything else associated with freedom.
Copyright © 2019 Bridget Webber. All rights reserved
Harboring a Grudge Imprisons You
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