Dear “Snowplow” Parents, You’re Failing Your Children
Recently, I was on spring break from teaching which meant I was able to enjoy my leisurely morning routine: enjoying my coffee, eating a real breakfast, and catching up on the Today Show.
One morning, in light of the recent college admissions scandal, the show hosts interviewed relationship expert and family counselor Dr. Argie Allen to talk about “snowplow” parenting. Now I had never heard this term before, but it’s the perfect analogy for an issue I have seen getting worse every year in my classroom.
Dr. Allen describes the “snowplow” parents as…
While solving problems for your child seems helpful, in theory, what some parents don’t realize is how by coming to the rescue of their children they’re actually doing them a massive disservice. Dr. Allen points out that children with “snowplow” parents start to believe “there’s a smooth path to life, which is unrealistic.”
And while I’m not a parent, and I’m not here to criticize parents who lovingly support their children, I am a teacher who witnesses every day how students are unable to cope with life’s problems. And I think that this is a major concern for society that demands attention.
So, first of all, what does “snowplow” parenting look like?
“Snowplow” parenting starts in the early years and continues on throughout a child’s life. While babies and toddlers obviously need more support from their parents, the real problem is when parents continue to tend to their children’s needs as they get older. The obstacles these parents plow range from seemingly innocuous everyday habits like waking the child up every morning to the far extreme of attempting to secure the child’s future through bribing coaches or college admissions officers.
As a teacher, I’ve seen what seems to be a growing epidemic of “snowplow” parenting. These are parents who do their child’s homework, who email me to ask for help on behalf of their student, who text their child throughout the school day to let them know that they’ve solved the student’s after-school problems, and who even go so far as to contact school administrators when the child doesn’t make the sports team or gets a bad grade in a class.
But, sadly, none of these actions teaches the children how to manage such a situation on their own in the future, so these incidents often repeat themselves. Students even start believing that this behavior is normal.
In fact, a New York Times and Morning Consult Poll offers some sobering statistics about how often parents are “plowing the snow” for their children:
And this parenting phenomenon spans familial values and household income levels. I teach at one of the most diverse public school districts in the state, not a private institution nor a wealthy school by any means, and still I see these issues occurring frequently.
So what are some of the ramifications of this type of parenting on a child’s future?
Obviously, the first major concern is that these children won’t learn how to solve their own problems and will become dependent on their parents for help. In the classroom, this means I fight a never-ending battle of students who just want the right answer or the easiest solution to a problem. Constantly they ask me to tell them how to get a perfect score without really exerting much effort and they groan when I ask them to apply learning by solving an open-ended problem of their own. I worry sometimes about what this means for our future workforce.
And I’m not just talking about academic-related challenges here. At our school every student has a laptop computer and though I stress the variety of tools available to facilitate work and learning, many times students ask me to solve their daily frustrations. For example, they ask…
“What does this word mean in English?” (I ask them where they could find that information? — the online dictionary)
“How do I get this audio recording from my phone to my computer?” (I ask them how they think that might work? — Use your phone cable, try AirDrop, maybe email it to yourself)
“How do I [insert any task on a tech tool]?” (I ask them where they could find a tutorial that might guide them through it? — Hint, you watch YouTube all day long so maybe try searching for a video “how-to” video there).
All day I ask these questions back to my students and more often that not I get an “I don’t know” as an automatic response usually followed up by a complaint when I don’t just oblige their demands and give them the answer.
I understand what parents are going through, because it’s extremely hard to stay firm and not just solve the problem for the child. It takes so much more energy for me to stand by and watch the student get frustrated. It’s also not fun when they resort to spouting off an insult like “I hate this class” or “This sucks” or — my personal favorite — “This is so stupid” (said with an eye roll and dramatic sigh).
Sure, I laugh these reactions off in my head, but hidden below the surface meaning these mannerisms are indicative of a pressing concern: children aren’t developing the grit to deal with problems. Psychologist Angela Duckworth addresses this topic in her book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. She confirms that grit is the ultimate predictor of success in school and beyond.
Through her research of students who applied and got accepted to study at the elite West Point Academy, she found that these students eventual success didn’t depend on how “smart” or “talented” the students were initially on their applications. Rather, what mattered the most was how “gritty” the students were overall. Students with more grit were far more likely to withstand the physical and mental rigor of the program and eventually graduate. It makes sense that students who shut down in the face of a challenge — or who are used to parents overcoming challenges for them — aren’t as likely to persevere through life’s ups and downs. Duckworth defines grit as “passion and perseverance” and she even created a scale to test how “gritty” individuals are.
Before becoming a psychologist, Duckworth herself had been a classroom teacher and saw the same problem in schools that I see. “Smart” students wanted the easy way out and “dumb” students simply thought they lacked the talent — or natural capacity — to achieve higher results. Since this attitude pervades society, students simply fall into their respective roles and stop trying to change what they believe is a fixed outlook.
In fact, directly coupled with teaching children grit is also teaching children to have what Stanford psychology professor Carol Dweck has termed a “growth mindset”. Dweck is the expert on this subject and highlights it in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success that intelligence and abilities are not fixed traits, but rather can be developed. In her words…
Too often children develop the belief that they are not good at a certain subject or skill, therefore they will never be good at it. Parents then might feel the need to compensate for this and save their children from the effort required to get better. This reinforces the same fixed mindset mentality and it sticks with the children so that they stop wanting to attempt any challenge outside of their skillset altogether.
Still, there is a consequence to “snowplow” parents even worse than not learning perseverance and a growth mindset. When parents act as “snowplows” it can actually damage the child’s psyche. Dr. Allen confirms that it makes children feel like they’re not competent or that they’re not good enough. She says it can lead to depression and suicidal thoughts and that this type of psychological damage could have a lifelong impact.
Often is the case that these students didn’t choose to become helpless or dependent, so they’re not even aware of the problem. Instead, imagine how it must feel to find out that you weren’t accepted to a college on your own merit but rather because of your parent’s money? That would be devastating and I feel terribly for those students.
These are the reasons why “snowplow” parenting could have detrimental repercussions on the future generation and why it’s worth pointing out these bad parenting habits now to avoid further problems.
How, then, can parents be helpful to their children without being complete “snowplows”?
All three of the above psychologists offer the following advice for parents and teachers in order to help them cultivate grit in children.
Firstly, a very important idea is to not lavish children with praise simply for the outcome of their work, but rather lavish them with praise for their effort.
Dweck offers the following example…
Instead of saying “You learned that so quickly! You’re so smart!”, parents and teachers could say something like “I like the effort you put into that project. It shows me you learned a lot!”.
Reinforce the idea that sticking through a challenge is more rewarding and beneficial than easily completing something the child is already good at. This also means that if a child has a natural talent, then it’s important to challenge them further. Then, you can reward them for their grit in exerting extra effort to hone in their skill.
Next, as children get older, parents and teachers should think of gradually relinquishing more and more responsibility so that children learn to fend for themselves. Obviously younger children require more assistance from adults, but that level of assistance must evolve over time. Most importantly, when a child has a problem, parents and teachers should ask questions the child questions as to how he or she might solve it. We adults can still be supportive, but from the sideline, as overseers as children learn to address their own issues.
Lastly, parents and teachers should not only welcome failure, but celebrate it. Life is all about overcoming challenges and sometimes failing is a good thing. “Snowplow” parents believe that sheltering their children from failure protects them from emotional pain, but in reality it’s the opposite. Everyone experiences failure in life. We have to teach children how to respond positively to it so that they can fail forward.
I really like how Dr. Allen put in in her interview,
So the next time you have the urge to “plow” away a difficulty from your child’s life, step aside and let them do it instead. You’ll thank yourself later.
Dear “Snowplow” Parents, You’re Failing Your Children
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