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2 posts since
30 May 2020
Hi, I was just wondering if anyone else has struggled with how their friends and family react to your diagnosis.
Having recently found out I have breast cancer and and that it has also spread to my lymph nodes, I was also told it is stage 2 and very treatable and that I don’t need a mastectomy.
whilst obviously there is a lot of good news there (that I’m very thankful for) and I understand that friends and family are relieved it’s not worse, I find myself frustrated that the focus for them is around the ‘positive news’ rather than understanding I’m still coming to terms with having cancer and what my life will be like for the next 12 months (minimum), let alone how horrific any type of cancer and treatment is.
I understand their relief comes from a good place and they are probably still worried but it kind of feels that as it’s not terminal or involving double mastectomies, that everything is very positive. Now I’m going along with this as I feel kind of responsible for letting them indulge in the positivity.
Not sure if any of this makes any sense to anyone??
870 posts since
3 Dec 2019
Hi Donna
Most friends and family don’t know what to do for the best so they try to keep positive thoughts and actions to try to keep you positive.
If you’ve still got everyone around you your lucky some get scared.
Good luck with your treatment and your future.
Billy
253 posts since
13 Jan 2020
Hello Donna,
l found your post very interesting in raising a different perspective that it not often discussed but is very much often felt by those going through treatment.
My thoughts are that those around you are very much aware of the brutal nature and hard slog that your treatment poses,but are reluctant to talk of these issues,especially before they physically arrive, for fear of making you totally despondent at the outset.
l found that as the physical effects became tangible and you bought the subject up ,they were slightly more willing to discuss, but they do so from a position of caring for you very much and feeling like helpless bystanders., they are very scared too. They will worry that in discussing this they will transmit those inner feelings to the very person they are desperate to support,hence the big divide between thoughts and words.
Very often the worst people to hold these types of conversations are those closest to you, and certainly l found the biggest help in these areas to have come from those outside of your family with knowledge,understanding and detachment. The people at the Maggies centre were amazing, and the atmosphere within the building was so conducive to allowing your mind to reach a stable place from which to rebuild from. l certainly found their empathy and understanding detached from emotion was so powerful yet delivered in such an understated way. Sadly l am not sure if their centres are currently open but l feel sure these wonderful people will be active in some form., so find the way to access them.
l think the message l am stumbling to put across is that your first perception of where you will find this understanding is not to say it is not there,rather it will be expressed better by a third party.
l hope others on this forum will add to this conversation and feel sure they wil have a wealth of views and perceptions to share with you,in the meantime l can share your anxieties and wish you well with your challenge of the treatment that lies ahead of you and to your coming to terms of a changed life, make it a better one,
David
118 posts since
22 May 2020
Donna_S
Hi Donna sorry to hesr how your feelimg right now , but i can relate to it, and to be honest i really think only the ones with the actual cancer can.
Yes of course friends and famiy mean well , and will.always look on the positives whatever they are and how small, the positives may be as well.
But i think its the hardest thing to deal with and it takes time to sink in that weve got t the dreaded C word, i think we possibly feel.likr this because we havent come to terms with it ourselves its such a shock to our systems, so how can our friends and family seem to come ton tems with it, as its our bodys not theres going through it .But deep.down we also know we need thier positivity and support to help us get through this dreadfull time.
The truth is we have to realise its not just our csncer , its our family and friends cancer too, as they are the ones who will see us go through what ever it is we need to go through, they are hurting too, but in a different way of course but hurting neither the less.
So dont beat yourself up for feeling this way , your not alone , i I expect many of us feel.this way.at some point.
I wish you good luck on this roller coaster ride , that we find ourselves on.
I forgot to say i was diognosed with ductual breast cancer on the 20th May , confirmed on the 26th May and told it had spread to my lymoth nodes.
Im waiting on results of a bone scan and a ct scan for staging of the cancer. So i am newly diognosed and only joined ithis site n May .
Please keep in touch and let me know how you get on.
I do pop on here from time to time as its goid to chat to people who really do understand how your feeling .
You can add me as a friend if you want to , and i wiont be offended if you dont , ill still be here to chat .xx
30 posts since
23 Dec 2019
It makes perfect sense to me because thats how I have been feeling.comments like ‘ohh it’s not that bad’ stay positive. I’m having a mastectomy and my friend telling me I should always wear a bra to hide the scar from my husband. Only someone who has gone through BC can understand how we are feeling and whilst family and friends can sympathise it’s just not the same.
This forum is helpful encouraging and positive based on experiences.
Good luck on your journey xx
11 posts since
30 May 2020
I haven’t had breast cancer but I have had a different stage 4 cancer and all I can say is people’s reactions will surprise you. The ones you thought would be there for you sometimes disappear and the ones you thought wouldn’t have a clue really get it. You will soon learn who you can and can’t rely on. Lots of people would only ever focus on the positive stuff and at times ignore the negatives. I found that hard as I felt all of it needed to be heard. I think the more poorly I got with treatment, the more they understood ironically.
Good luck with your journey
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