Focusing on Their Opinion Will Never Make You Happy
The times I was most unhappy in my life was when I hid from the opinions and judgements of others. I have a history of being severely bullied. I guess that my insecurities all started during that time.
Thinking back on those years has provided me with a valuable lesson, and I would like to share with you what I’ve learned from them.
I grew up in a warm nest as a kid. Love and affection abundantly filled my childhood. I was raised by a single mother and the best two grandparents any child could wish to have.
The living environment of the city, my mother and I used to live in, wasn’t that optimal for a young child to grow up in. So, my family decided that I should move in with my grandparents while my mom tried her best to find a job closer to home. I was six years old, back then.
My mom drove back and forth from her workplace to my grandparents’ house for years — a 2-hour drive every single day, mind you. I cannot grasp how she used to manage that.
My family did a fantastic job of providing me with everything I needed as a kid. They gave me enough encouragement to be creative, supporting me in everything I tried to do. All was good. Life could’ve been amazing from that point on.
Little did I know, back then, that my whole life was about to change as soon as I would start going to school.
You see, I had this condition called “Hyperhidrosis” for longer than I can remember. That means that I used to sweat 2x more than the average person. So when you guys were done warming up, I was already leaking.
It was never a problem for me as a kid. I didn’t know that it was unusual or eye-grabbing. It didn’t even occur to me that I was “weird” that way. So you can imagine my perplexity when other kids started laughing at me and calling me names. It was easier to handle when we were all still so young. But I wasn’t prepared for high school. That chapter became a nightmare.
If you’re taught to hide yourself as a young child, it doesn’t back you with a great start at high school. Luck wasn’t in my favour either when I realised I was going to spend my high school years with those same kids who started the bullying in the first place. Let me tell you that the teachers weren’t well-equipped to handle those kinds of situations either.
It was difficult finding friends because the popular kids always found ways to scare everyone who dared to consort with me. So I was alone. I had no friends, I had no support, and I kept most of my feelings hidden from my dear family. My future was something I didn’t even care about because I never felt good enough. I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy because I wasn’t “normal” like everybody else.
I wasn’t cool. I wasn’t into what made everyone else so excited. I didn’t wear the same clothes, and I was always sweating so damn fast.
My grades suffered because of my insecurities, and I wasn’t mentally strong enough to stand up for myself. How could you be at 13 years old? I just did what the adults in school expected me to do without any sense of achievement or pride. They didn’t care who I was, only that I would become “acceptable” like the rest. They wouldn’t treat you as an individual. Not really.
At age 23, I weighed 220 pounds, coming out of a bad relationship of 7 years. I took up excessive drinking, and I had no goals or motivation whatsoever. I wasn’t living; I was merely existing. Nothing was meaningful because I was lost in my own darkness.
That was the year, though, when I started changing everything. And now we’ve come to the message of this piece.
While the years between 13 and 23 were the worst of my life, they also provided me with a valuable lesson I cherish now that I’m 26.
When you continuously focus on what everyone expects you to do, you won’t have any time left to decide what you truly want to do. You have to base your decisions on your values. Your life is yours to live, and only you carry the consequences. The sooner you realise this, the more mindful you’ll start living from that point forward.
My ex-girlfriend was already thinking about marriage and having children when we were both 22 years old. Had I allowed her to convince me, we would most certainly have been separated a few years later, and I would’ve been in a constrained job, still carrying those 220 pounds and poor drinking habits. We didn’t share a healthy relationship. I wasn’t mentally capable to take proper care of myself, let alone raise a child. She wasn’t adorable as a partner either, to be honest with you. It suffices to say that we both had our flaws and that we already didn’t fit well together anymore. Imagine our lives seven years into the future.
When I finally decided to lose all that excess weight and to cut back on the alcohol, the people who I thought were my friends weren’t too keen on that.
They wanted to keep me as a part of the group. They didn’t understand why I was so determined on improving myself. What was it all for, anyway? I recently found out that they were actually laughing about it behind my back.
If it’s that important to you, you have to do it. Make yourself proud.
I also came to a point in my life where I was tired of doing the same things in the same bar on the same days. I was finally a healthy, young stud, damn it. It was time for me to find myself again, and bring joyful, feminine energy into my life. While my friends wanted to drink themselves squint-eyed, I wanted to have fun with the ladies. It didn’t matter that I was a bit awkward at first. As they say, ‘practice makes perfect’.
I couldn’t convince them to explore different places, or to participate in other fun activities during the day. No alcohol = no fun.
At some point, I decided that I had enough and that I wasn’t willing to keep explaining myself to them anymore. I felt rejuvenated, and that helped me develop specific goals for my life. When you decide to grow as a person, you will outgrow others. It’s vital that you live according to your values.
Luckily, there were also a few people that shared the same mindset. Those individuals are still my closest friends. I feel very blessed that I can call them that. The right people will motivate you to become the best person you can be. Cherish them.
I’ve practised several jobs that weren’t meaningful to me, and I eventually quit doing them. I know that might sound arrogant or entitled, but you have to be honest with yourself. What do you genuinely want to do? Where do you want your life to go? Can you live with someone else controlling your income? These questions to yourself do matter. It can make the difference between living on auto-pilot or living thoughtfully.
Most of the things I did in the past were because I wanted to fit into someone else’s narrative. If you hold on to that long enough, you will start to see that you’re lying to yourself — that you are giving yourself up. That’s not a healthy state of mind.
I stand behind what I said in a previous article:
Nobody likes putting themselves in a position where they feel like they have to ask for permission. Waiting for approval doesn’t serve you.
If you like a particular song very much, you won’t let anyone convince you it’s a bad song, right? If you love dancing, will you license your friends to deny you that pleasure? Then why would you allow someone else to dictate which job you have to do for 40 years? What matters is that you are happy with what you do, not some other person.
I make plenty of errors, but I believe that each of them brings me closer to my objectives. These mistakes are calculated, in some way. And that is what we should aim for, is it not? To live life on our own terms, regardless of the opinions of others. When we’re taking our last breaths, the one thing we don’t want to take with us is regret. Fear is the origin of regret, and what other people think is one of the roots of our fears.
You and I are not perfect, but we are worth improving.
Let us decide how we’ll do that, our own way.
Focusing on Their Opinion Will Never Make You Happy
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