Here’s the Reality of Not Being the Favorite Child
I have an older brother. In general, when you compare the two of us together, most people would probably say that I am more “successful” by traditional standards. I have a well-paying job, I’m married with kids, and we recently bought a house. Other than feeling a bit financially overwhelmed, we’re doing well.
On the other hand, my brother is working the same job he has been in for the past 10 years getting small pay and even smaller hours. In addition to that, he hasn’t been in a relationship since high school, and is making no attempts to find someone. I know for a fact he doesn’t have a retirement plan. He has no motivation to get a different job, and spends most of his free time playing video games.
During several occasions I’ve asked him if he’s happy, and he says yes every time, with a genuine smile on his face. We hug, we part ways, and life goes on.
If you ask our mother, however, he is not happy.
Our mother says that he can’t be happy, because he’s not in a relationship.
He can’t be happy, because he’s not a doctor or an engineer or an astronaut.
He hasn’t lived up to her great expectations of his life, and for that she resents him.
“Obviously, he’s doing it to punish me.” She says this to me constantly. Usually it’s over the phone, so I picture her throwing her arm over her face. “Woe is me!”
I have stopped trying to talk her out of this line of thinking. If anything, I’ve found that trying to make her see that she’s wrong only causes her to dig herself deeper into her delusion. I reinforce her opinion that everyone is against her.
Despite her views on my brother’s life and his attitude towards her, I know for a fact that he is her favorite child. The amount of time she spends complaining about how he has hurt her with his lack of ambition is almost comical. If you give her an opening about it, she will go on and on about his wasted potential, his lack of common sense, and always attributes his actions as pertaining to her.
He’s not in a relationship because he is mad at her for leaving our father.
He’s not successful because she wants him to be successful.
And the list goes on and on.
The fact that my mother spends so much energy on my brother, who really doesn’t care what she thinks, used to hurt me a lot. I would come home with a report card filled with A’s and she would say, “Your brother could get grades like this if he tried, you know.” There was no congratulations, no praise. I felt like I could have gotten bad grades and it wouldn’t have mattered to her. She was too hung up on my brother’s potential, when I was fulfilling mine right in front of her.
After a while, I realized that it didn’t matter. None of it — but in a good way.
What I do doesn’t matter to my mother, so I’m free to do whatever I want.
When people don’t expect anything from you, there is such a sweet freedom in that. You can be yourself, or try to be someone else, someone you want to be. You can do nothing, if you want, without having to worry about someone harping on you for “wasted potential.”
In this freedom, I have been able to find myself without feeling like my mother is breathing down my neck. I can call her and know that our conversation will probably center on my brother, and just listen. I don’t understand her need to control, but I can accept that she has it.
I can accept it, and move on with my life. I’ve got things to do.
Karma is a wife, mother, and lifelong procrastinator who’s finally trying to get her dream going.
Here’s the Reality of Not Being the Favorite Child
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