how do i get through this hell?
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13 posts since
7 Jan 2020
my boyfriend, 19, the only person i’ve ever loved and who has actually truly loved me back (i’ve been in and out of abusive relationships and i’m only 17).
the only person i’d marry, the only person who cares about me and my interests, the only person i want to be with has terminal cancer (testicular and bone metastasis) there’s no cure and he’s outlived the expectancy.
my life is living hell. i can’t get anything done anymore and i’m so angry at the world and i’ve lost all the faith i once had and i don’t think i want my faith back i can’t believe in god anymore he’s a ******** if he’s real, i’m sorry but how the hell do you say otherwise? he had no reason to make my ****** life even worse than ever before just when i thought it’d be great. why does he have to let him die? it’s ******* vile. i am so angry at ‘god’ or whatever is controlling this disgusting world.
i am so angry at everything at the moment i am just crying all the time i don’t know what to do really.
i am just writing anything i’m thinking down i hope it is allowed.
i just need as many people to be my ‘friend’ as possible, chat on here, and be there when i need to write all this stuff down.
please do not try and convince me there’s a ‘god’ i am not in the mood at all and i don’t think i ever will be.
i just want to kill myself
who knows what i’m going to do when he’s dead.
also i’m here for anyone else going through cancer too 
833 posts since
3 Dec 2019
Hi I’ve been reading your posts lately, and can’t understand why your boyfriend doesn’t want to live longer with you especially at such a young age. Cancer is treatable not always curable but you can live with it. If i hadn’t had treatment i would have died in 2016 I’ve been living a normal life all this time working and carrying on as normal apart from appointments now and again. My cancer is prostate gone to lymph nodes, spine, ribs, pelvis and a lung i just live with my uninvited guest. Once you except it it’s doable……… Billy
3701 posts since
11 Oct 2010
Hello completeandtotalmadness,
I just wanted to let you know that we are all there for you – so you’ve done the right thing in coming on the forum and letting it all out and hopefully connecting with others here who have been in a very similar place before.
It is totally understandable that you are feeling frustrated and angry at the moment, feeling that what is happening in front of your eyes is deeply unfair. I think it would be a good idea to talk to your GP if you haven’t done so already or if you have to go back to your GP and mention that this is all proving too much for you and that you need advice to help you cope in the coming days and weeks. I think my colleague Steph has given you some useful information on your other thread including the Samaritans contact details for days when you feel this is all too much and you need to talk to someone.They are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on 116 123.
Keep strong you are doing amazingly in such tough circumstances. I am sure your boyfriend appreciates that you are there for him during this difficult time. As Steph said, try to find a little bit of time to look after yourself to recharge your own batteries a little. And rest assured we are all here for you every time you need to offload.
Best wishes,
Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator
42 posts since
15 Aug 2018
Hey!
i found the love of my life at the age of 42. She was 39 at the time. This was back in 2010.
Ten years down the line, and the love of my life is dying from ovarian cancer. It’s inoperable, and it’s spread to her lungs. Before this year is out, I’m probably facing being a single-parent again, in my middling fifties, and with a son who has autism. I’m also autistic, have various other mental health issues, and am just drifting right now.
I also have faith, like you, And like you, I sometimes scream or cry with anger at a god that i’ve never seen but who I believe in, and it happens a lot. I don’t feel bad about shouting or screaming at the injustice of it all. Neither should you.
There’s no real point to what I’m saying, other than you’re not alone in feeling how you’re feeling right now. I’ve spent the last 18 months feeling exactly the same.
Just know that you’re not alone.
Best wishes for the future,
Mark
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