How I’m Learning to Beat Imposter Syndrome
I’m doing more now that I ever have in my life. Writing, engineering, entrepreneurship, graduate school, and most importantly trying to raise two kids.
I’ve spent a lot of time recently trying to pinpoint exactly what is holding me back. Mental health struggles are clearly at the top of the list, and I’m taking better care of that than I have in years.
Imposter syndrome seems to be one of the only clear answers. I tend to over analyze a lot. And although feeling like a fraud may not be at the top of the list, it’s a significant factor in unleashing my full potential.
Either way, I know that my mental health is important enough that it needs a high amount of attention before I can reach my peak state, regardless of whether it’s a chemical imbalance or a massive feeling of inadequacy.
Here are just a few of the areas in my life that I feel imposter syndrome.
I love my wife and kids with all my heart. Most days, however, I forget that. I see only the flaws in my efforts.
The anger and frustration. The dirty diapers I didn’t change. The times I could have let go of my phone to play with my kids.
I am selfish and mean. There are days that I wonder if I leaped into parenting too early.
The truth is that I am doing better than I think. I’m improving faster than I know. I love my wife and kids more deeply than my anger and frustration can ever reach.
The other day I surprised myself and started changing diapers without being asked. I helped my boy turn from being distraught to happiness in just a few minutes. I expressed gratitude to my wife for the strengths we have together.
I am doing better than I think.
After losing my job a month ago, I nearly pulled the plug on my engineering pursuits to become a full-time creator.
My career is the area of my life that I am experiencing the worst feelings of inadequacy right now.
Poor management at my previous company had me only seeing the mistakes I so often made. It was as if all my many accomplishments suddenly became hidden when I had a micromanaging boss breathing down my neck about every little error I made.
Every time I talk with another engineer, I fear I am coming from a place of lacking understanding. I’m afraid that I sound stupid all the time because of how little I know. I frequently doubt my abilities. I wonder if I will ever make it.
The truth is that I am so much better than I know.
I analyze attics for the additional weight of solar panels. And I’ve learned from doing at least 2,000 of them. I know all the In’s and outs of evaluating existing roofs for the placement of solar panels. I am dang good at it, too.
I have engineered at least 100 homes to safely withstand their own weight in addition to snow, wind, and earthquakes.
Last weekend I sat for 8 hours and worked 80 problems as practice. In one month I take the Principles and Practice of Engineering exam, and this was a full run through practice exam. When I pass, I will become a licensed engineer.
It would be easy to say that I might fail this test, but that is an unlikely event after all the hard work I’ve put into studying for it.
I am a far better engineer than I think.
After 8 months on Medium, it feels like I’m a newbie still. And really I am new here, but I’ve been writing for a long time.
But that still doesn’t make me exempt from imposter syndrome as a writer. Even after making over $3,500 with the Medium Partner Program, I still often feel out of place.
I’m an engineer by day; I’m good with numbers. I don’t belong here. I’m not creative. I’m not consistent enough to get good. I’m too young at this. I’m not curated enough.
The truth is that I’ve worked really hard here. I’ve been very vulnerable. I’ve taken big risks, even so far as talking about my desire to leave my day job. Maybe that’s why I was let go, but I’m not bothered about that anymore.
I have written over 200 articles. Each reads an average of 3 minutes, so that’s over 10 hours of reading time. I’ve written somewhere around 200,000 words in just 8 months of being here.
And that’s not the only evidence that my fears of being a fraud are bogus. Writing here has connected me with new friends from all over the world. Helped me get my first freelancing gig.
My work on Medium has opened up doors that I never dreamed possible.
I am a writer. I belong here.
How I’m Learning to Beat Imposter Syndrome
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