I can’t take it in yet
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10 posts since
5 Feb 2021
Hi everyone I’m new here so please bear with me.
My husband has just found out he has cancer in his ear canal, and possibly chest and throat as well. The latter were only tested yesterday but the doctors suspect it. He came home and told me everything and I’m acting as though he said he had a sore throat! Whats wrong with me? We even had a row about something trivial last night and I still didn’t make allowances. Do you think it just maybe hasn’t sunk in or am I a totally callous cow because if i was an outsider thats exactly what I would be thinking. Please advise me I really don’t know how to be around him and I really do love him he deserves better.
I’m not a horrible person really but it dosent help that I’m going through the menopause and my moods are up and down .
Any help would be great please because I want to be able to help my husband not act as though there’s nothing wrong with him.
Thanks
Alethea
P.S. critise me if you must but not too harsh lol
2 posts since
6 Feb 2021
Hi,
I don’t think you are being callous, but I do think you need to talk to him and listen to him. Obviously you will both have anxieties about being told that he has cancer and it may of spread to x, y & z. Go for a drive and walk just the both of you (purchase a tea/coffee). Favourite tunes and have a good talk, laugh and cry and hopefully that will help with your mood and anxieties that you both maybe feeling right now. Wish your husband well.
Take care x
226 posts since
4 Sep 2019
Hi Alethia,
To be honest, I think you are doing exactly the right things. My kids took the news of my cancer diagnosis far worse than I did and their reaction was more worrying than my own feelings, really. If you start treating him differently he might think it’s worse than it is. You will know when he needs more support but don’t smother him.
Cx
10 posts since
5 Feb 2021
Hi Sheltie lady
Thats a very good point but at the same time I don’t want him to think I don’t care. I don’t fall to pieces easily, well I did when my Dad died but different story, so I worry that I come across cold hearted, I also don’t want to make too much fuss as he dosent want our daughter to get upset. I’ve told him I’m there for him and I think that’s all I can do at the moment. I really would be lost without him my head’s all over the place!
Thanks for your input hun, I hope you are recovering well
Alethea x
2 posts since
6 Feb 2021
Hi Mummykat,
This sounds almost similar to how I’m acting/feeling towards a family member who has stage 4 metastatic incurable and inoperable pancreatic cancer.
All of my family are in shock and trying to be ‘positive’ about it and keep talking about it and to me, it’s almost like I’m ‘pretending’ that he isn’t poorly and I find myself snapping at my family about it and acting like he’s not got cancer!
I think what you’re experiencing is shock and numbness. All I can suggest is to try and be there as much as you can and maybe listen and talk a lot with him. It’s so hard but all I can suggest at the moment.
B x
10 posts since
5 Feb 2021
Hya
I’m sorry to hear that about your relative. It seems like maybe we are both in denial, we know its there but they don’t have to have it if we don’t want them to! Right now my hubby seems fine most of the time and I think that’s also why its hard to accept. I will try to keep him talking about it if I can I think it’s what we both need. Maybe its the same or at least similar for you hun, don’t leave it too long, maybe you could talk to your family member too and try to understand for yourself what they’re going through.
I wish you all these and good luck hun
Alethea x
28 posts since
13 Jan 2021
Im sorry to hear about your husband. I am the world worst if my hubby has a cold or that I tend to tell him to grow up, act his age. The reason I treat him like that is because to me he is weak at being able to withstand pain, I know he has a low pain tolerance but I cant help it. I watch my mum battle and lost with lung cancer, I can say I have never known someone withstand soo much and she never moaned , she just got on with it. Thats why I seem so rough at times with mine.
I have had quadruple, nerve damage and waiting to see if I have cancer of the womb, I try to be as strong as she was, sometimes I wish I could just let it all go x
Your husband must know how much you love him, mine says he understand why I do it , he doesnt like it but I love him and he knows that xxx
10 posts since
5 Feb 2021
Hi I’m sorry to hear about your Mum she sounds like she was a very strong lady.
I understand where you’re coming from regarding your husband but with mine he is strong and rarely moans he just gets on with it, I hate not being able to go his appointments with him he shouldn’t have to be going through it alone nobody should but I’m trying to be there for him, I talk whenever he wants to but I find it hard to bring up the conversation cos I just don’t know what to say. It still doesn’t seem real yet at the same time it scares the hell out of me that I might lose him how does that make sense. I dont understand it. He said to me once I’m surprised you haven’t broke down yet! That made me feel even more guilty like I have no feelings. I think one day it will hit me straight in the gob when I least expect it lol who knows.
Sorry to hear about your suspected womb cancer too hun, I hope the tests come back normal and there is no cancer.
Thank you for your input
Alethea x
3 posts since
8 Feb 2021
My husband has been having problems with eating for a while now (not being able to eat without pain & stomach bloating) with nothing showing up on blood tests. GPS kept trying different medication & he had a few scans, colonoscopy & endoscopy with nothing found. he was finally admitted to hospital where they did explorative surgery & found tumors around his abdomen. We’ve now had a phone call asking us to attend an appointment at the cancer unit on Wednesday.
I have been feeling a bit numb since he told me about the tumors but was trying not to think about it. Trying to stay neutral about it but now we have the appointment I feel constantly sick with knots in my stomach & I feel very weak. I am tying to be normal for my children but I definitely don’t feel normal & I am now thinking the worst. I can’t help but think it’s bad that they want to see him so quickly & that I am allowed to attend given the current COVID situation.
He is a strong character who doesn’t moan about being ill he just gets on with it. He has his own business & even though he’s not going out he is still working on computer & making phone calls.
I am usually quite an emotional person (I cry at funerals on TV programmes) but I have found that so far I have been unable to cry.
Its such a strange time & waiting is the worst. I don’t think I’ll sleep very well the next 2 nights.
28 posts since
13 Jan 2021
Maybe its time to sit down and talk to him again, tell all your feelings believe me it does help. xxx
10 posts since
5 Feb 2021
I’m sorry to hear this hun, I find this a bit worrying because you’re describing the exact same symptoms my husband has been getting recently that they haven’t yet looked into. I said to him this morning “you have to eat let me make you something”, his reply was “I cant it makes me feel worse, I just have to be realistic dont I, I have cancer!” And it was at that moment I felt the first pang of reality. I wanted to cry but he changed the subject and we talked about something else, but along with the cancer in his ear and chest im now so scared that he has it in his stomach as well. Will you please let me know how you’re husband gets on, I feel for you both I really do.
Good luck hun
Alethea x
10 posts since
5 Feb 2021
I think i will ,wow its gona be hard though but I probably need this as much as he does. I’ll have a couple of vodkas first!
Thank you
Alethea x
3 posts since
8 Feb 2021
Sorry to hear about your husband too. I hope he is able to get some periods of relief. My husbands tumors aren’t in his stomach. I really wish they were because then I’d know it could be treatable. At the moment we’ve been told the tumors are in the abdominal wall which doesn’t sound good to me. They weren’t picked up on any scans which makes me question how they can treat them if they can’t see them.
The weird thing is that since he’s had the explorative surgery he’s been able to eat normally without any flare ups. He’s been taking the build up drinks, vitamins & a small amount of morphine since his op. Before surgery he was struggling to eat even a slice of toast. I think one of the hardest things is that I don’t understand it. Hopefully tomorrow whatever the outcome is I’ll get a better understanding. He’s not really putting on weight but he’s not losing any more either.
it’s just horrible waiting. Neither of us slept well last night & I don’t expect to tonight either. I’m nervous, scared & worried about tomorrow, I just hope I can keep it together enough to be able to take in what’s being said.
10 posts since
5 Feb 2021
Aw sweetheart it must be terrifying for you both,
We’re still waiting for a letter from the hospital to find out the outcome of hubby’s last tests and what the next step is. Although weirdly I cant show it I am terrified too I cant imagine being without him. I hope it dosent come to that.
I hope it goes better than expected tomorrow and if you’re able to please let me know how it went. I wish you both the best of luck.
Alethea x
3 posts since
8 Feb 2021
Unfortunately our news wasn’t good. It was as we had a anticipated. The tumors are cancerous & the type of cancer is relatively unknown. They are going to give him Chemo is try to control the tumours but it is not curable.
Its been difficult for them to find due to where it is & the fact that usually this type of cancer comes from somewhere else but they haven’t found cancer cells anywhere else & his bloods don’t have any markers on them.
basically they are still learning. He has signed consent form for them to use his blood & biopsy for research into this type of cancer.
fingers crossed for your results. X
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