I thought I was dying
It was a casual Tuesday afternoon on a sunny April day when the first one happened. I was laughing with a friend, drinking an ice coffee and nonchalantly deciding to order another one. Later that evening, I took out a textbook and a notepad to make notes. And then it happened. This fear. This dread. This confusion. My heart was pumping faster than a steam train. My head felt foggy as if I should have fainted. My muscles were tensing up as if I had been running. My hands and feet became numb and ‘prickly’. My stomach felt like it was a boiling cauldron. After medical tests and seeing a doctor at the hospital, it was then, when I knew, that I had an actual panic attack.
When I say “actual panic attack”, I mean the real, textbook, diagnosable one that psychiatrists and clinical psychologists have studied and treat. I recall myself guiltily claiming before that I am freaking out and “having a panic attack” when, in fact, it wasn’t a real one. This real, actual experience of a panic attack was the worst feeling and moment I have ever endured. The worst part of it all is that you end up having this fear of “when it will happen again?”
Unfortunately, for me, it did happen again. A few times, in fact, but most of the time, they were not as severe as the first. It was my panic attack in the middle of watching Avengers: Endgame which was a major shocker because I thought that I had to run out of the cinema and go to a hospital when, in fact, it was a panic attack. The problem with a panic attack is that it puts you in a state where you feel as if you are going to die. Your mind is racing around the clock and you can feel your blood flowing through you, feel your vein throbbing in the side of your neck, feel your brain fog getting worse, and all you can do is manage your breathing, and remind yourself that everything is fine. You are going to be okay.
After spending time in sessions with psychologists and eventually seeing a psychiatrist, they confirmed to me that I have panic disorder. This is a type of severe anxiety that can be triggered randomly, simply by your senses or the space that you are in. The link for me was connected to stress and anxiety because I am someone who tends to worry a lot, all the time. During times where I worry too much, my panic attacks can easily be triggered, taking me back into those awful, debilitating states.
The problem for me is that these panic attacks have been hampering my mental health, especially in terms of my depression. There were times, before being diagnosed, and even afterwards, where I felt like I was losing my mind. I questioned myself: why am I this way? Why can’t I be ‘normal’? Can I go back to how I was before? The back and forth of the anxiety and depression have made me extremely exhausted and scarily enough, it took me to dark spaces which I never wanted to go back to.
Although this is my reality, there is a way forward, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am privileged enough to have access to mental health care in the form of sessions and medication, which will help me get better and “back to normal”. I am re-assessing and working towards a healthy lifestyle again. This last month was a major shock to my system and made me realise how I have been a hypocrite: whilst I encourage people to prioritise their mental health, I forget to prioritise mine.
To the people who suffer from panic attacks, anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns, you matter. You are not alone. You may think that people do not understand and you are lost in a mental warfare, but remember that there are people around you who experience the same thing. You deserve peace and happiness and remember, that we will get better.
I thought I was dying
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