Impostor Syndrome — What it’s like to live with an Anti-Yoda on your back.
I’ll try to get through the opener as quick as I can…
Every day a little red demon sits on my shoulder and reminds me wherever I go that I’m a complete failure and nobody likes me.
Yup. You heard me.
So before I completely lose you, Impostor Syndrome is the voice inside that says you’re a fraud, you’re incompetent, and you’re going to be found out. Simply put, my impostorism looks a lot like Yoda: an evil, red, devil-tailed Yoda. I call him, Anti-Yoda.
Here are a few thoughts Anti-Yoda whispers to me throughout a normal weekday:
… You can probably imagine, it’s hard to live with this asshole.
I feel like a complete loser when these thoughts are circling in my head all day everyday. It seems like whenever I start to get it under control, Anti-Yoda pops up, out of nowhere, to knock me back into my place.
I’ve struggled with Impostor Syndrome ever since I was a child and it wasn’t until last September (2018) that I really acknowledged and called it what it was. Throughout my life I’ve accepted my self doubts as fact. I always felt like the world was against me but maybe it was just me against me.
Wrong. It was Anti-Yoda against me.
I think we all have a pretty clear idea of what we want/who we want to be. I want to be a successful freelance illustrator who designs stickers, pins, books, and posters in his free time. I want to help people feel young at heart again and prove that it’s not “childish” to “act” childish. I don’t want to fail in that goal. You know who does?
Anti-Yoda.
Naturally, when we attempt to make something of ourselves, something in our brain begins to work against us. It’s not us, per se, it’s our Anti.
As soon as you realize that the voice in your head isn’t actually you, but rather the antithesis created by what you already are or are trying to be, you can really start fighting it.
That voice is just your insecurity saying, “But, what if?”
Think about it. My anti tells me, (1) I was never meant to be an artist of any kind, (2) I’m a bad leader, (3) I’m not good at my job, (4) I won’t be a great husband, and (5) I’m certainly not manly.
But I can fight all of these way too easily by remembering (1) that creating art has always been a calling for me, (2) I don’t lead often but when I do it’s very rewarding, (3) I’ve never been fired from any job and I know I’m doing my best every day, (4) my fiancé said “I do”, and (5) I don’t care if I’m not manly! I always felt pressure to be more ‘macho’ from other men in my life but that’s not me and I never wanted that image. I know I’m manly in my own right.
The point is, by definition of an antithesis, my Anti-Yoda tells me the opposite thing that I tell myself. If I’m a teacher my Anti tells me I’m the worst at it and shouldn’t be teaching. Instead of accepting this opposition, fight back and remind yourself, that’s your Anti feeding you an “untruth” (a lie). The truth is that you’re probably a good teacher. You may not be the best in the world but you’re far from bad if your Anti is telling you that you are bad. How do I know this?
Here’s the secret.
Your Anti can only give you negative thoughts about the things that matter most to you. If you are doubting your teaching abilities, you must care about what you do and try hard at it. Don’t let your anti convince you it’s all for nothing. That’s the moment your Anti wins and whatever it was telling you, becomes a reality.
I believe I’ll have to live with my Anti-Yoda for the rest of my life but that doesn’t mean it has to control me. Maybe it’s a good thing to hold onto anyway. Hearing the opposite of what you know to be true could be a great reminder of the actual truth. Just don’t let the little devil fool ya.
Thanks for reading!
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Impostor Syndrome — What it’s like to live with an Anti-Yoda on your back.
Research & References of Impostor Syndrome — What it’s like to live with an Anti-Yoda on your back.|A&C Accounting And Tax Services
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