It’s Time to Make Peace with Your Regrets
For some of us, good things have happened this past year. We’ve been able to spend more time with loved ones, get back into hobbies, and learn new things. But for others, so much has been lost — in work, in social capital, and in life. Many of us are also feeling regret.
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Do we still need to talk about the many ways this pandemic has impacted our lives? I think I’m past that stage. But I do occasionally sit with myself and feel sad, mostly for something that I’ve lost: time. While chatting with a friend recently — over Zoom, of course — we spoke about how we had made so many plans when 2020 began: We set goals for our careers, booked elaborate travel arrangements, and were prepared to celebrate milestone birthdays, including the day I would meet my nephew and my sister’s first child.
I did achieve my career goals. (Sans colleagues and work BFFs to celebrate with.)
I managed to make one trip to a remote cabin in the hills. (Staying put in the house for the entire duration.)
My sister’s baby came smiling, healthy, and adorable. (Only, I wasn’t there to cuddle him when he was born.)
And most days I’m okay. I’m not ruminating about what could have been. But when I do, I get into a vicious negativity spiral of “That might have happened if…” or “If it wasn’t for the pandemic…” and I wonder: Why do I feel so upset about something that I thought I had already adjusted to? Why is it so difficult to move on?
“Am I mourning?” I asked my friend. Merriam-Webster defines mourning as:
mourn·ing | ˈmȯr-niŋ
1: the act of sorrowing
2: a period of time during which signs of grief are shown
“Regret,” said my friend. “I think we’re regretting.” I looked up the definition.
re·gret | ri-ˈgret
1: sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one’s control or power to repair
2: an expression of distressing emotion (such as sorrow)
“That does sound like a better word,” I thought to myself.
Is it regret, then?
The circumstances brought on by this pandemic were beyond our control and no one could have predicted it would go on this long. For some of us, good things have happened, like being able to spend more time with loved ones or get back into hobbies. But for others, so much has been lost — in work (promotions that we anticipated, increments that would’ve brought in more money), social capital (friends and family members we haven’t seen in months), and in life (premature goodbyes we’ve said to the people we care about).
That time isn’t coming back. So, how long can we keep doing this … dealing with the aftermath of our traumas and the lingering memories of a horrific year that plague any sense of optimism? I think for most of us, our biggest regrets right now revolve around missing out on something in life — a person we couldn’t speak with one last time, a dream job that slipped through our fingers, or a choice we didn’t make.
I needed answers, or help, maybe, to figure this out.
I reached out to Dr. Amy Silver, an expert in emotion management for high performance and author of The Loudest Guest, to understand how we can get better at dealing with regret, even though we might never totally get over our losses. Here are the edited excerpts of my chat with her.
Vasundhara: What is regret, and why do we feel it?
Amy: Simply put, regret is the feeling that we may have had something more positive now if we had made a different decision in the past, feeling sorry for misfortunes, or the disappointment over something we’ve failed to do. Largely we feel regret in terms of things we haven’t done (missed opportunities) more intensely than regret of things we did do (or decisions we made). Taking the past year as an example, as you process what you haven’t done, or what you have missed, you’re regretting.
A new study reveals that regret is also connected to our self-concept, or the difference between our ideal self and actual self. If you’re feeling that you might have gotten a promotion but Covid dampened the plan, or that you might have traveled to three new places had it been a normal year, you’re trying to measure up to your ideal self. The fact that you had nothing to do with those decisions is what is causing a greater asymmetry. In short, we’re feeling regretful because we didn’t reach our full potential or accomplish something we thought we would in that time period (and that time is lost).
Is it okay to regret, or is regret inherently bad?
Regret, like all difficult emotions is neither intrinsically good nor bad. It’s a feeling like many other feelings, but it is the actions that we choose following the emotion that make a difference to our long-term well-being.
It’s important for us to feel the emotion (like when we feel bad about something), so we can process the emotion. Oppression of negative emotions does no one any good. The more you ruminate — especially about what you can’t control — the harder it will be to work through painful feelings. So, what makes regret bad is when we don’t use the lessons it gives us or when we choose to keep suffering from it. You can’t rewind time. You can’t go back and fix it, so beating yourself up is not good.
For example, maybe you regret that you didn’t get a salary increase last year. Instead of thinking about what could’ve happened if you did get it, think about the fact that you still have a job or that you worked on some amazing projects, and that this year presents you with the opportunity to get a raise. What can you control here? How much effort you put in and how hard you work. That’s when regret is a good thing. If you keep contemplating, it’s going to eat into your present and prevent you from putting your soul into your work and strive for a better year. That’s when regret is bad.
Regret feels like this anchor holding us back in the past. How do we leave the past where it happened? How do we process painful emotions and learn from those feelings?
Moving on is about progressing, about not being captive to our past, and allowing the past to guide our actions in the future. There are things that we can do to help us move through these feelings.
Recognize your feelings and let them out: The exploration of what’s going on inside your head and heart is a good way to start moving into a position of control of over your emotions. When you catch yourself fruitlessly ruminating or getting caught in a negative mood, grab a pen and paper, and write down what you are thinking. This is known as emotional labeling.
Naming our feelings helps us create a language that we can use to discuss our state with others and gives us our own narrative to process. Get as specific as you can. For example, instead of labeling an emotion as just regret, think about whether you’re feeling sad, angry, envious, etc. When you identify negative emotions, you can better accept them and then manage them.
Practice gratitude: From a psychological point of view, the purpose of regret is to understand where we had control (and where we didn’t) and to learn from our experience. Granted, this comes with some level of pain about the past, about things you couldn’t achieve, but looking at the past with gratitude rather than the lost opportunity costs can make all the difference between getting stuck in the pain and growing from the learning.
For example, when you think, “I could have traveled to Japan last year,” change it to a statement of gratitude by saying, “I’m grateful that I live in a world where there are many experiences still to have, whether I am here or elsewhere.” Changing our focus to appreciate what we have is a practice we can all master and benefit from.
You could also keep a gratitude journal. When you find yourself slipping, write down three things you are grateful for. The more you practice gratitude, the more you will be aware of what you have and not what you don’t have.
Consider what you really want or value: When you feel hurt or sorrow or angst about the past, use the time to remind yourself what really matters in your life. Undoubtedly this will take us back to some of our core human needs like security and feeling loved.
For example, if you feel a sense of loss for missing out on family events through the pandemic, it could be evidence that you value family highly (not the event itself). If you feel angry about not getting that promotion, it may alert you of your need for growth (not necessarily that promotion).
Notice the themes of your regret so that you can start to draw a list of things that you know you must work toward to make your life fulfilling.
Make regret productive: Beating yourself up about things that you can’t control is unproductive regret. It’s more useful to take a closer look at your feelings and think about what you can (and cannot do) in the future.
Let’s play this out. One of the hardest parts about last year has been the regret many of us feel around not being able to say that last goodbye to a loved one. Maybe you couldn’t get to them in time because of travel restrictions, or you hadn’t been able to speak with them for a few weeks because you were juggling too much on the home and work front. There will always be things you could have and possibly couldn’t have done.
Now that you’ve identified what you really value (relationships with your family and friends, for example), you can make a promise to yourself to be intentional about fostering those relationships. With that goal in mind, think about how much of it is in your control and what actions will get you closer to the things that matter most to you. Can you set a reminder to check in with three of your friends or family members every week when you take a lunch break? Can you make an effort to tell your parents and siblings more often that that you love them?
The slight silver lining of these unforeseen tragedies is that we have learned not to take for granted those special relationships. And now that we know, we can do something about it.
***
I felt more assured after my conversation with Amy. And one thing was clear, whether we can reason away our regret or not, we have to remember to hold ourselves accountable for only those things that are in our control. Think of your regrets as lessons you have the opportunity to learn from instead of “could haves” and “should haves” — those will only suck you into a rabbit hole of negativity.
I hope this can help you make peace with your regrets. For me, I know it’s going to take time, but at least it’s a start.
It’s Time to Make Peace with Your Regrets
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