Let’s Model Positive Screen Time Behavior for our Kids
I did not become a mother until 43, but my experiences with my 2-year-old son relating to screens are only cementing my already held beliefs from seeing thousands of students go through my music classrooms over the years in the US, India, and Sweden.
When I started teaching, more than 20 years ago, I could tell you which of my students had no TV at home. They were always the most polite and respectful. And the ones that spent the most time playing video games and watching TV, never had time to practice their instrument and interrupted my explaining and the orchestra playing more than anyone else.
I was recently home for a visit to the Seattle area to see my family. On the 8 hour flight from Europe, the screens were everywhere and we couldn’t turn them off. My son got overloaded. He couldn’t sleep. He didn’t eat well and he went crazy. We turned off all the screens in our row of seats, but then he was peaking between the seats to stare at all the screens in the row in front of us. We tried to put a blanket over the back of the seats because we needed him to go to sleep. It was like taking a drug away. He was crying and grabbing at the blanket to remove it so he could get one more fix of that drug, that screen! He ended up not getting any sleep more than a brief nap over a 14 hour travel period. We ended up all completely miserable, and my eyes were again opened to how disruptive screens can be.
My son appears very happy most of the time, but he has his moments of being frustrated and crying and sad when he doesn’t get what he wants. He’s a two-year-old, he is supposed to have lay-down-on-the-floor tantrums. But, he is learning how to navigate all these big emotions, so that hopefully by the time he is in upper elementary he can talk through his feelings instead of rolling around on the ground. Now, as he gets more words in both Swedish and English, he has started to articulate what is bothering him. He can tell me that he is “sad” when something doesn’t happen the way he expected or he gets hurt. If he was plugged into a screen all the time, I wouldn’t be able to tune in to him. To help him figure all this out.
One kindergarten teacher in the Seattle area I was visiting with, told us her classroom has gotten so bad this year, that she has 5-year-olds unable to peacefully interact with each other. In her classroom, one or more children throw chairs. Every single day. This is NOT normal! These are kids who have been on drugs and are going through withdrawal.
Things have changed in the past 20 years. With the widespread use of smartphones, kids have access to a screen constantly and they can do everything, including social interaction. I watched the children in the row in front of us on the plane, never unplug from the screen for 8 hours straight. They watched movies on the screen on the back of the seat AND also had iPads in their laps, playing games at the same time. These children hardly made a sound. They didn’t fight as siblings should, they were eerily silent. This is like giving crack or cocaine to our children. Yes, they are quiet for now, but what happens when the power is shut off and they have to interact? They start throwing chairs around a classroom and disrupting so much that learning can’t take place. I’d rather have my child reacting to the brief travel time of melt-down from screen overload, than the constant mind-numbing effects from heavy screen time use.
If you struggle with how to use technology with your kids, here are some tips:
Mealtimes should be a screen-free time for you and your children. So, even when your kids are too young to see what is on your phone, make sure to put it away from the dinner table and make the meal and the family your focus. Watching TV or looking at screens while eating can make you less aware when you are full and therefore become more likely to overeat or make poor food choices. It’s also better for your digestion when you can focus in on your food while you are eating. Try to focus on positive conversation and chew your food thoroughly before swallowing.
But, again, try as best you can to eat slowly and thoughtfully and as your child gets older they will look to you for this example. It’s not always going to be perfect, but it’s something to strive for.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screens under age 2 except for video-chatting. For children age 2–5, choose quality programming/interactive games and watch with your children to help them understand what they are seeing, with a limit of no more than 1 hour per day.
A big mistake I see a lot of parents make is to use video games or TV as a chance for them to get a break when the kids are young. I understand that you need some time out and time to yourself, but do this instead by encouraging independent play and having a space for younger children that is safe for them to play in without you needing to be right next to them.
Children need to see you setting an example of time unplugged. You will find yourself laughing more with them, finding crazy things they have invented and you will feel refreshed when you get back to your business or work that you must attend to.
Click here for the American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines for screen time use.
When you first get home from picking up kids from school and everyone is at home — Go cuddle. Everyone piles into the bed and takes a short time to hug and read a book or talk about your day. When I do this with my son and he gets his need for touch filled up, then I can make dinner and he will play by himself. If I don’t give him some time right when we get home, then he is complaining and having meltdowns while I’m trying to cook dinner. I love the idea of keeping this up even as my son gets older to reconnect after a day apart from each other.
Children are like sponges soaking up our every thought and word and action. What you say does not carry as much weight as what you do, the way you live your life. If there is something that is bothering you about your child’s behavior stop to ask yourself, “Am I doing something similar to this with them? Or do I have a parallel behavior that is causing them to act this way?” In other words, if your child is craving time with you and hugs, a toddler might hit you because they can’t communicate that they need positive touch. An older child might become less talkative and interactive when craving more time or attention from you.
The other question I ask myself often is:
Now take that behavior and add 10x your actions to that and ask yourself that same question again. So, for example, if you think, “I will just check one more email on my smartphone during dinner.” So, you have the phone in front of you while your toddler is eating across from you. And, then that little act for 5 minutes every meal is what your child sees every day. Now imagine you are wanting to sit and have a nice relaxing dinner with your teenager and all they do is stare at their phone wanting to text their friends or look at social media during the entire dinner. This is not how every child will react to your actions, but some of them will see that behavior as acceptable and then start to get addicted.
In the end, we must find a way to use technology to help us connect and inspire each other, without forgetting to connect in person. And, let’s not let the technology disrupt our kids from the ultimate learning of hugs, nature, and play.
Let’s Model Positive Screen Time Behavior for our Kids
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