Living Knowing that you’re dying
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1 posts since
23 Mar 2020
Hi all,
I’m 42. I’ve been so blessed in life with a great career, lovely family, the most adorable son (he’s 5). My world turned on it’s head 5 months ago when I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I am that woman that went to the doctor with a strange pain that wasn’t deemed to be suspicious and heard the worst possible and unexpected news. I’d had no other symptoms at all apart from a weird pain in my side.
Initially my outlook was positive (cautiously optimistic was the term used ) but things have got slowly worse over the past months. I’ve not responded to the ace chemotherapy, it may be in my liver now. I have scans later this week.
i try so hard every day to live my best life, enjoy my son and make the most of being alive. That said I’m finding it harder and harder each day to live knowing that I’ll die soon and leave my darling boy behind.
ive not posted on any sites before and not even sure why I’m writing this now. Guess it’s hard for my family to hear my thoughts as they don’t want to admit to themselves just how bad things are.
x
865 posts since
3 Dec 2019
Hi shoelover, alot of people coming on forum like to write down what there worried about and thinking that’s what the forum is all about. Hopefully others will get in touch.. I was given five years over four years ago. Been on palliative care since February 2016 so know my time is running out. But I’ve promised my wife I’d look after her when she got old she’s nearly 14years older than me and i had to promise I’d look a her before she’d marry me. So I’m keeping going as long as i can and staying positive is a good way to do it. If i can help please let me know..
Billy
1 posts since
23 Mar 2020
I am so sorry to hear this, I too have incurable corectal cancer. I cannot put myself in your position when your kids are so young. My heart aches for you. My kids,are older and I’m a grandma to 2 beautiful toddlers who are my world. I try and put it to the back of my mind do holistic therapy, massage meditation etc. Enjoy your babies. Miracles happen. Try joining the support group called belong they are very up lifting and supportive. I wish you the best and will.pray for you xx
18 posts since
6 Oct 2013
Hi Shoelover,
I feel so sad for you. Life is more fragile than we ever guessed isn’t it. Almost like you don’t notice it until you’re faced with it running out in front of you. Talking to family and friends about what is really going through your mind is often difficult. These people love us and don’t want to lose us but, at the same time, are also trying to work out how to carry on after you’re not there. I’ve often thought that if it weren’t for the pain etc it would be an easier ride for us. So I feel for you, I often lay awake, like tonight, and wonder if I should talk more or to other people, different people.
I joined this site 7 years ago when, at age 43, I was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. Since then, like you, I have been on anda wild ride with a brief stop at Prostate Cancer but, by some miracle, I managed to get to here. Also, like you, my daughter was, at the time, 3 and years old my son 8 – making me feel like cancer was hurting them more than it was hurting me.
So now I know there’s little hope for me. It’s in my liver and lymph nodes and I’m on a treatment to slow it’s growth rather than to cure it (palliative). My takeaway, my only nugget of wisdom, is to create memories with thise you love. Be silly, be a mum (dad in my case) and remind them that you love them everyday.
Take care
Dave
242 posts since
6 Jul 2017
Hi ShoeLover, Very sad to read your awful story. We are all going through our cancer journeys: yours is one of the worst ones. 42 is ridiculously young. xx Harry
10 posts since
10 Jan 2019
Hello,
I started my Cancer journey in January 19 ( womb cancer ) I’m 55 and at that point , like you they were cautiously optimistic. Unfortunately in December, they said it was in my lung and liver and was not curable and have given me 12 month,
for approx 2 years I kept going to the GP,s with heavy bleeding and the pain got worse, kept telling me It was just my age/ menopause . I was very fit, marathon runner and a healthy eater. It was a huge shock.
I wasn’t blessed with children , my plan this year was to make memories, travel enjoy ilife to the full But this virus has stopped that for now. I’m on chemo again along with a trial drug to try and slow it down. It is a scary thought that I might not be here this time next Year. So I try not to think about it, when I take my dog out ( away from everyone now) I breath in the air and say to myself, well I’m alive now, so let’s make the most of it..
my partner is in denial! I can’t explain to him that I get very tired and I can’t seem to bounce like I use to.
I have a very small family circle mum and dad ( late 70’s/80’s) and my sister and her partner. They live in England and I live in Scotland. I try not to worry my parents but no matter how old you are, they worry.
There isn’t much I can say to make things better except enjoy your beautiful boy making lots of fun happy memories( no matter how small) and try not to dwell on what will happen, because none of us know exactly when! They said 12 months but I’m still hoping for 5 years
24 posts since
21 Jan 2020
I have been posting in the forum called “My Dad Has pancreatic cancer”. My heart goes out to you. My husband has just gone. He fought it until 3 weeks ago. Age 58 so full of life & dreams but chemo just wouldn’t work for him. This virus is crippling everything. Stay strong and fight xx
133 posts since
3 Jan 2020
Hello shoe lover,
your story is heart wrenching and it touched me. I have no advice or any experience of what you are going through. Had cancer diagnosed but it’s not like your experience. I feel so so saddened at your situation.
I think this site though is good to get out what you might yearn to say but find yourself faltering with family and those who are close. Everyone here ‘gets it’ and I have found so many caring and understanding people just by writing down how I feel. It helps especially on the toughest days.
I can only say that so many people on this sight have had the worst of diagnosis but sometimes they still come through. I hope you do. I hope also you enjoy that beautiful boy. Love is so important in our struggles. What else actually matters?
Take care and go as well as you possibly can
Kebbs x
115 posts since
15 Nov 2011
How did you get on about your scan?
Heartbreaking to read your post. Going through this at any time would be dreadful but with so much upheaval and uncertainty around us it makes it even worse.
My heart goes out to you and your son.
I hope you make it back to the forum to read the supportive comments and to let us know how you are doing.
I don’t know how you are carrying on doing what you’re doing but do what works for you.
With love
Andrea x
115 posts since
15 Nov 2011
Would really like to know how you are doing
Xx
115 posts since
15 Nov 2011
I hope you are doing ok despite the issues our country is facing. Are you still able to get out for a walk? Enjoy nature?
Best Wishes
Andrea
10 posts since
10 Jan 2019
I go out early in the morning with my dog, away from people and as you said enjoy the sound of nature it’s hard when I wanted to do so much but I keep waking up every morning last Thursday I got taken off the trial I was on because my secondary cancer in my liver has progressed with a couple more tumours appearing and some growing by 2cm’s. they have stopped my chemo which went along side it.
my oncologist has said there’s a further chemo drug I can have but given the current climate I may not get it because I’m considered low priority now, given my prognosis. Been searching frantically to try and find something else I can do to help myself. But I am here now so I will appreciate the time I have x
27 posts since
29 Nov 2019
Hello PJ
I’ve been reading your story and it looks like you’ve been quite unlucky in how your cancer was not picked up sooner. It’s quite likely that if you lived somewhere else and had a better hospital / oncologist your prognosis might have been different. Saying that, I’m also 55 and recently finished chemoradiotherapy in January for cervical cancer. The oncologist said I was young which I found funny, but as I was quite fit I managed to get through the treatment relatively well. So another oncologist might think you were young and fit and suggest treatments for you that your current one doesn’t think worth doing. The best thing I did was change my GP in 2018 to a woman led practice, which gave me access to west London hospitals. I’m fairly sure that was a game changer and the best decision I made. Is it too late for you to change GP perhaps, or is there a chance you can go private ? I also took out private insurance this year, as whatever this year holds, I cannot face the long delays that I experienced last year. I went to my GP in August, but treatment didn’t start until the end of November… it was quite a traumatic time. See what options are open to you, and if none arise, then push for a better service from your current hospital. Though I know with Covid going on, that cancer patients have gone to the back of the queue unfortunately. I hope you are well in the meantime though. Best Diane
115 posts since
15 Nov 2011
Bless you. I am sorry to hear about the trial ceasing. That’s hard to take.
This virus is messing up so many things for so many people. The decisions doctors are making at times seem very unfair to me. We are all human beings at the end of the day and some of this seems almost inhumane.
Take care and stay safe
Andrea x
10 posts since
10 Jan 2019
When I initial got diagnosed it was after finally getting to see a. female GP, who referred me for a biopsy.
From January 2019 unti December I always had hope, my oncologist really thought I’d beat all odds. I sailed through the operation, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and brachytherapy. She did say I was young and fit, even at 55, ( which made me laugh too) , 4 days after finishing all my chemo ( first time round) I did the great north run in the September
Because the original cancer caused a pulmonary embolism I had a X-ray in the October before I’d even finished my radiotherapy, it showed cancer in the same lung as I had had the embolism. , long story short in December it showed cancer in the liver too. We were all shocked, since then I’ve tried hormone therapy and then eventually this trial, which they took me off and that’s where I’m up to. I think my current Onocologist has exhausted everything, I was trying to look on the internet to see if I could see other things I could try. I really didn’t think I’d be in this situation 12 months ago. I thought I’d be training for my next marathon and getting on with living.
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