Losing Weight for Happiness
I lost 60 pounds; I should be happy.
I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent in front of the mirror declaring that if my thighs were thinner, my stomach was flatter or that piece of flesh hanging from my arms magically disappeared that I would be happy.
Like grinning from ear to ear, never in a bad mood, annoyingly happy.
August 2017 I plunged head first into a program that is restrictive but simple. It only has four rules to follow. But the first two were no flour and sugar — ever.
Somehow I mustered the willpower to stick to the diet long enough to lose 60 pounds; going from a size 14 to a size 4.
Now I can be happy and smiley. Now I can be a social butterfly, with lots of friends. No more awkward conversations, not this girl. I’m thin. I belong.
I sat in the change room of a gym with two other girls and revealed that I’d just lost weight and one of them replied “Wow, you don’t look it. I would have thought you’ve always been thin. You seem like that type of person.”
That is honestly the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. As I sat there, I wanted to cry and laugh and pump my arm in the arm. I’ve arrived! I made it!
But there was this tiny thing picking away at the back of my mind.
Why aren’t I ridiculously happy?
Why do I still have bad days and moments of feeling like a complete and under failure?
For years I told myself all I needed was a smaller ass and life would be better.
Truth — a smaller ass does make things better. More comfortable. Like air conditioning on a hot day. Life is more manageable if you aren’t constantly obsessed with the sweat rolling down your body.
Also true — there are a ton of other ways life will make you feel inadequate and small. Your large ass is just sitting at the front of the line, demanding the most attention.
So yes, life is better after you lose weight.
Will it solve all your problems? No.
If your marriage sucks before you lose weight, it will still suck after. It might even suck more.
If you’re socially awkward, you will still receive quizzical looks after you crack your best jokes.
So prepare yourself. There are more things to heal. Once the pain of being overweight disappears, there will be something ready to take its place. And one behind that.
There is no end to personal growth — no finish line.
We focus on the most relevant — that which seems to cause the most pain.
After a year on a diet, I gained ten pounds back.
I am so familiar and comfortable with my inadequacy of being overweight that I’d rather face that then what’s behind it.
Blaming ten pounds for my misery feels better than shouldering the burden of not being enough, valuable or worthwhile.
That valley is too grand. The hike to the top is too steep.
So I unconsciously gained the weight back. Put weight loss at the front of the line and fell quickly back into my old routine of blaming my fat ass.
Happiness is not something you gain or lose. It’s not a byproduct of reaching a goal.
It’s a choice.
A habit.
You can force yourself to look on the bright side, feel gratitude, appreciation and love. Much like a habit of going to bed early, you can train your brain to see the silver lining.
Happiness is available to us no matter where we live, how much we weigh or whether anyone finds value in us.
So the next time I look in the mirror, start blaming my body parts for my discomfort I will remind myself. It’s not the extra fat making me unhappy.
I am choosing to focus on the extra ten pounds instead of celebrating the fifty.
It’s all within my control. It always has been.
Losing Weight for Happiness
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