Lost beloved mum and struggling
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16 posts since
18 Jul 2019
I always hoped that I would never have to write on one of these forums and that my nightmare would somehow disappear.
However, I lost my beloved mum to bowel cancer a month ago now and I just can’t cope with how I’m feeling. It’s left such a huge hole in my life. Not only is she my mum but my best friend too, I just feel like I’m waiting for her to return home.
I keep asking myself, what more could I have done for her? Going over and over everything in my head. I took her to all her appointments, sat with her during chemo sessions, organised second opinions etc…but none of it was enough. I failed her. Why her?!
I just don’t know what to do now.
111 posts since
19 Jul 2019
Bobs
I also lost my mum a month ago and feel exactly the same. I cant believe she has gone and am struggling every day. She didnt have cancer but she died of a brain hemorrhage just after a routine operation following a mini stroke the week earlier.
I constantly ask myself if I had got her to hospital earlier, if I had noticed warning signs earlier etc could she still be here?
I did everything with my mum and she also lived with me.she was still active, funny and full of live and we thought she had years of life yet.
I cant offer any advice as such as I am in the same position as you I just wanted to let you know you arent alone
I lost my dad 20 years ago to a sudden heart attack following a battle with cancer so I’m not a stranger to sudden death, but this time round it’s so much harder.
I’m just taking each day as it comes.
327 posts since
14 Jun 2019
Hi there – it’s terribly sad that you have lost your lovely mum – really it’s agony & of course you feel lost without her. It’s such a short time since she died & hardly enough time to fully accept what has happened & to come to terms with it.
You say you keep asking what more you might have done. You must believe me when I tell you that many people feel that way when they lose someone they love and that you did not fail her, truly you did not. We human beings seem to be very good at times like this to torture ourselves with ‘what ifs’ & I hope you will believe me when I tell you that this feeling will pass.
You also say you don’t don’t what to do now – it’s a bit like being in a locked, dark room that you don’t have the key to & can’t find your way out. But by posting here, although you don’t know it, you’ve already found the key by saying how you feel & asking for a bit of support & understanding. Doing that will begin to help when people respond as I’m doing. It’s so important to talk about how you feel because keeping it all inside only makes things worse. So do keep posting & if things get too, too difficult have you thought about ringing the Samaritans – they are brilliant and will listen for as long as you need to talk about this awful sadness you’re feeling.
The grieving process takes time & you are only at the beginning of it but hour by hour & day by day it will become more bearable – truly it will. Understand you don’t need to bear it alone – let us know how you are doing. Will think of you. x
16 posts since
18 Jul 2019
I keep recounting the morning I saw her and she told me she had, had enough and wanted to go. I just seemed to go into organisation mode, getting things in place for her. I didn’t show how upset I was in front of her, was this right? I got the ambulance crew to take her to the hospital where her consultant works but it took a lot of sorting out and I feel I was too busy doing that rather than asking her not to give up or showing her how sad I was.
When I did try to say the things you think you would say, she just said stop you don’t need to say any of this I know it all.
I feel so guilty that I got it all wrong at the end.
111 posts since
19 Jul 2019
Bobs,
It doesnt sound like you got anything wrong at all.she told you she was ready to go so you got everything organised to make sure she was in the right hospital near to her consultant.
If you had got upset in front of her, you would now feel guilty that you hadnt held it together before she died. Your mum knew how much you loved and cared for her because you were there for her.
What I have realised is that it doesnt matter what our circumstances, we always manage to feel guilty about something we did or didnt do.
I also sit here feeling like im waiting for my mum to come home even though 6 weeks have almost passed since she died.
It is truly the worst thing to go through and I have no idea how we will get through. We just need to take one day at a time and know that we will somehow get through x
327 posts since
14 Jun 2019
Oh goodness me – what an awful muddle you’re in. I’ve read your post a couple of times & you’ve done absolutely NOTHING wrong. Truly you haven’t. You were right not to show your mum how upset you were. It must have made things so much easier for her which is how it should be. Imagine you had crumbled in front of her – she would have been dreadfully worried & upset for you. She needed to know you would cope & that’s what you did.
As for your not asking her not to give up – she told you she’d had enough & so by not asking her you were giving her permission to leave. I remember both my grandgather & my aunt both saying they’d had enough & were ready to go. I’ve never regretted allowing them the dignity of making that decision for themselves.
I really do wish you wouldn’t torture yourself with guilt you have no need to feel (altho’ many people do feel guilty I know). This feeling will pass if you allow it to.
Your mum would, I’m sure, be terribly unhappy if she thought you were thinking these thoughts. You did exactly the right things & you must allow yourself to grieve for your lovely mum without torturing yourself with these thoughts.
Do post again if you feel like talking. Take care of yourself. x
16 posts since
18 Jul 2019
Thank you for your replies, although I do not wish for anyone to be in my situation I do take some comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one feeling like I do.
I’m going to see mums consultant next week to see if he can answer any of my unanswered questions. I’m not sure if this will help at all.
I had no support from any cancer charities on how to cope with everything that happened to mum, I just feel we were left to sort it out ourselves. Me and mum were a team and my partner is no longer here. She was my anchor.
I feel so alone.
1 posts since
1 Aug 2019
I lost my mum 4 weeks ago.i was her carer.she was frail but her death was sudden.we were informed that she had cancer after she had died and that her bowl had perferated. She didn’t complain of tummy ache until a couple of hrs before she passed. Why didn’t I know!! .I feel like I was failing As a daughter I love her so much. .her loss is unbearable.o feel like a child who’s wandered off from mum and is so scared. I feel so lost..
I apologise for been so negative
38 posts since
28 Jul 2019
Hi,
i am so sorry to hear you lost your mom. Cancer is pure evil and seems to only take the purest souls. I lost my mom to lung cancer which spread to several other places including her brain 11 days ago, it was her funeral today. Honestly worst day of my life
like you she was my best friend and we did everything together. I promise you now you did everything right and could have done no more. She will have passed knowing you were there and loved her dearly. Never question if you could have done more because the answer was no you did everything right. That’s something I can promise
I understand the feeling of waiting for her to come home I live at home with just my dad now but it was the 3 of us against the world. My brother being just round the corner as well. the house seems empty without her, we haven’t moved any of her things yet, don’t know when we will feel ready for that. It feels like we would be erasing her somehow and being disloyal if that makes sense
im here if you ever want to talk or simply want someone to listen. Like you never thought I would ever join something like this but it’s helping a lot, to just be able to get my thoughts out there without worrying about upsetting Dad or my brother. I sat at moms wake today surrounded by people but felt so alone. Kept thinking they will go home and carry on with their lives and be happy and normal whereas I know my life will never be the same again and can’t see myself ever being happy like I was before because how can I when a part of me is missing and my heart is broken beyond repair
Lucy
143 posts since
3 Oct 2018
Hi, I was thinking of you today, we’re all different but I understand some of what you’re feeling. I completely know where you’re coming from….I have a brother and dad, and you don’t want to let them see how upset you are, you want to show them that you’re coping…to this day, I haven’t had a really frank conversation with my dad, but in my heart I know he knows exactly how I am feeling, how could he not. We’re all broken, my mum was such a powerful force and much loved.
I feel as you do, life will never be the same, but I have had happy moments, laughed at loud and my dad and family have been part of that happiness.It would break my mum’s heart to see us sad, I won’t lie, it is the hardest journey…., some words I heard quite a few years ago:-
“The river of grief is deep and wide but happiness awaits you on the other side and the love of those around you, will take you there.”
Linda
x
Lost beloved mum and struggling
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