Managing Loneliness and Anxiety During Quarantine
Like many other international students receiving their diplomas this year, I had quite a few plans in the works for after graduation. In June, I officially finished my MBA at the Kellogg School of Management. My parents and my sister were set to fly out to Chicago that week before embarking on a family trip to Florida.
Thanks to the coronavirus, though, it’s been more than eight months since I’ve made physical contact with any of them, and to be honest, I don’t know when I will again.
When I began self-isolating in mid-March, I thought it would only last a fortnight. Then, a month went by with no signs of going back to “normal” (no sports, no social events, and no respite from Chicago’s cold weather), and I realized how naïve that was. The news wasn’t promising: Covid cases were rising, new countries were affected every day, and one by one, borders were closing. Then came the temporary ban on the entry of nonimmigrant visa workers to the United States. It was at this point that I realized I might not see my family for a very long time.
A little bit about my situation: I am not a U.S. citizen. I moved with my husband to Evanston, Illinois in 2018 to pursue an MBA. This means I’m on a student visa, and if I decide to go back home to São Paulo now, I might not be able to come back. The pandemic has left many people in my position with a very difficult choice: Visit home (and risk losing the life we have built in the U.S.), or stay until the ban is lifted. My husband and I’ve decided to stay and look for opportunities to work here, but it hasn’t been an easy decision. There are days I keep asking myself: If I do decide to go back home, would I have to abandon my life here?
While I’ve never considered myself an anxious person, being cut off from my roots — especially my parents and my grandparents — surfaced new fears. Even though I live with my husband, as someone who thrives on socializing with new people, the quarantine has been lonely and exhausting. My mind sometimes spirals with worries around the health and well-being of the people I love, all while I learn to accept the reality that 2020 is going to be a year of firsts: The first year of not spending holidays with my family. The first time not cooking the Christmas dinner for my family. The first year not organizing and playing our family Secret Santa. This is all the more nostalgic because the holidays will mark one year of not meeting my family.
I do realize I am not alone in my experience. Even people who live in the same country are being kept from those they care about by travel restrictions, health concerns, or other uncontrollable factors. And of course, by definition, this lack of control — more specifically, this uncertainty — only makes our anxieties worse. So, how can we manage?
During the quarantine, Kellogg Dean Francesca Cornelli has been addressing students over Zoom as we all adjust to our new reality. She talks about her family who lives in Italy, a former epicenter of the pandemic. Though she has remained far from them for several months, this crisis has ultimately taught her that there is a fundamental difference between being at a distance and actually remaining “distant.”
When I heard this, I had my own realization: Physical distancing does not mean that I have to socially isolate from everyone. None of us can control the physical distance between us, but we can control how and when we connect with others. While being physically apart remains hard, living by this rule has helped me get through it (along with a lot of creative interactions, a puppy, and some hope for whatever comes next).
Over the past few months, I have become very intentional about connecting — not just talking — with friends and family on video. I recently attended a virtual gym class with my sister and organized a birthday party for my nephew who turned one in June. I also virtually visited a friend’s new apartment who moved back to Brazil. We were on video as she walked through the house, and it felt like I was actually walking with her!
Fun fact: I taught my mom how to do yoga on Zoom. Yes, it was hilarious! I had to continuously move the camera around my living room to get the best shots and pose, all while attempting to stop our new puppy, Kobe, from peeing on my mat. (He tends to like soft surfaces.) We spent the majority of that call laughing. For me, video calls have evolved into more than conversations. They are really just opportunities to be together.
Knowing that I need interaction to feel energized, I’ve also been more intentional about quality time with those I do have access to. At home, my husband and I spend a few minutes chatting over coffee to start our day. We’ve also begun to cook virtual dinners with our friends back home in Sao Paulo. We often spend hours catching up and eating together, despite our time difference. All of this, with Kobe jumping and yelping in the background!
These changes may seem small, but they make me feel like I am with people I love and care about. It’s also my way of checking in on my friends and family. Over the past few months, I’ve realized this: I’m not the only one struggling with the uncertainty. It’s hitting us all, just in different ways.
So, here’s what I think: We don’t have to get through this alone. It’s okay to miss and want people. I don’t know if we’re ever going back to “‘normal” the way we knew it. For now, I’m just trying my best to double down on (virtual) ways to stay in touch with everyone that matters to me.
Brunna Beccaro Seabra is an MBA candidate at Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University. She is also a Zell Fellow and co-founder of DinDin, an award-winning startup that is a digital wallet for Brazilians.
Managing Loneliness and Anxiety During Quarantine
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