Misery and Joy in Love

by | Apr 19, 2019 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

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Misery and Joy in Love

I’m not miserable just from your absence. But in your absence, everything builds up till the weight of my life drowns me. With you, I feel some respite; I am light enough to float up to the surface, lie on my back, breathe in air and admire the sky above.

When I am alone, I stare at the shadows cast by the reading lamp over my bed and start reading. I read till I forget who I am. I read till I forget everything. I read to make the world disappear. I read to make myself disappear from the world. I read till my eyes throb from pain. Read till my head screams with every beat of blood my heart pumps into it. I read to make the time go by without me noticing. I read for hundreds of thousands of minutes. Hours upon hours. Days upon days. I eat and sleep only when absolutely necessary. I drown and die and wish not to return to my own life. But unfortunately, I must always return.

When I do return, it’s been several days since I’ve last spoken my thoughts out loud. I haven’t laughed or smiled or spoken with anyone. In all this time, I haven’t been around anyone else. I haven’t been in the presence of anyone who prefers being near me over being alone.

But after days, I finally see you. I see someone who finds comfort and quiet joy in my presence even if we are working on separate things and don’t talk for hours.

All at once, I am full of joy. How is it possible to find such joy in the knowledge that someone is near? How does that simple presence fill my heart to the brim with ever elusive contentment and peace? How does food taste better and sleep become more relaxing when someone is present? How does the dreariness of time passing transform into moments I have actually lived?

Even with this joy I have felt, I always want for more. When I can see you twice a week, I want for you to be there everyday. But isn’t being together all the more joyful for the agony I feel in your absence? So I ought not to be greedy but rather feel glad that we are in the same city and that we can derive joy and contentment from seeing each other. Even though the joy and contentment may be fleeting. Even though sometimes I feel so broken that I can hardly leave my bed. Even though when I am alone, everything that I normally value feels useless and supplementary.

Is this love then? The desire to be in your company, rather than my normal preference for being alone, hiding from the world? If it is, I love you. And when you are not around, I’m miserable.

Misery and Joy in Love

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