Not Another “I Survived Cancer Story”
Before we begin, I’d like to start by saying I am writing this out spite for the media outlets that reached out to me to share “my story” and “the lessons” I’ve learned. I am, after all, a Bosniak woman and we are nothing without our spite. In this way, I honor my ancestors and give you all the goods on my tragic sick story and the lessons I’ve learned along the way; which you can then use to share with your friends over brunch or even find a quote or two to put on your inspiration board. But probably not, because this story is a bit different.
I must apologize for the tragic disappointment that is about to come your way. There is no magic lessons cancer or any illness teach you. Surviving it does not suddenly turn you into a better person. And unfortunately, no matter what other articles would have you believe the hardship of cancer survival is not some gift that comes with a sudden enlightenment. There is no sudden end to the existential crisis we all face. No life lessons to pass on to the rest of the world that you would not have learned through some other way.
Being sick, having cancer, battling it all, and surviving do not come with any gifts at all, except one…your health back. Unfortunately even that has its drawbacks, because now that you have your health back, you are about to spend the rest of your life in fear of when and if it will return again. Oh, yes my friends…cancer and any serious illness usually does not end when the doctor gives the all clear, it ends…never. Much like the bills that come with the cost of having any sort of illness in the greatest country in the world that still, somehow, is incapable of ensuring their citizens have universal healthcare.
Anyway, I must apologize again because I did lie. This is another “Lessons from Cancer” story. Now that I’ve survived, I feel as if I owe it to the world to share the lessons that I have learned, even if they may not like what they hear.
Lesson 1. The American Healthcare system is an absolute disaster. I have spent more of my 5 year battle with this illness fighting insurance companies, sorting out payment plans, begging for settlements, screaming at collection companies, and yes…eventually as all sick people do making a gofundme. Feel free to check out my shameless plug of it here
https://www.gofundme.com/help-rrrrnessa-beat-cancer
Lesson 2. Doctors suck. I know, it’s hard to hear this because we have been told that they don’t and they know best, because after all they did go to school for all those years and they should know best. Sadly, despite all that schooling and the massive amounts of debt that they have acquired, a lot of doctors still suck. Some doctors will dismiss you immediately. Some doctors will laugh at you. Some doctors will refuse you pain medication not because you don’t need it but because they are afraid of audits showing that they prescribe too many pain medications. Some doctors will simply be assholes with God complexes even when it turns out you were right about your condition. If you are a woman, they will almost always think you can handle pain more and better than men, or will simply dismiss your pain as all in your head. This will be why it took me five long years to finally get the radical hysterectomy I needed to get rid of all my cancerous cells, growths, and endometriosis. Not all doctors suck. S/o to my family doctor for being a real one, but yeah a lot of them just suck.
Lesson 3. Despite the fact cancer is not contagious people will treat you as it is. You will go from having a social life to being a social outcast overnight. Suddenly, there you are the kid in the lunchroom sitting alone, or with the other weirdos if you’re lucky.
Lesson 4. People will be mad at you….a lot. They will be upset you missed their wedding because you had surgery and will never speak to you again. They will angrily write an e-mail ending your 6 year friendship because you didn’t make it to their baby shower. They will call your illness an excuse. They will say you’re overreacting, exaggerating, making it up, lying, or just wanting attention and eventually this just puts you back to lesson 3, at the lunchroom sitting alone. Which, honestly, has always been my personal favorite place anyway.
Lesson 5. You will become afraid of death. You’ll pretend you never think about it but it will happen. Death will be on your mind constantly. You will dream about it, write about, think about it because it’s been engrained in your brain that even if your cancer is not that advanced, cancer means death. You’ll never say anything to anyone about it because god forbid you express your feelings like a normal human being…you’ll make a joke or two on twitter instead and write a living will (just in case).
Lesson 6. Cancer, sadly, will not suddenly turn you into a better person. You will survive it with all flaws you had before you became sick. You’ll still bite your nails, procrastinate on important shit, and be rude when you feel insecure and yeah, you’ll even still occasionally smoke. Sorry, some personality traits just cannot be cured magically. They take work.
Lesson 7. You will spend more time worrying about everyone else who is worried about you than you will worrying about yourself and your disease. You will become, an emotional controller. There to make everyone else feel better about the fact you are sick because everyone will feel bad about it. They’re good people, after all, and that’s what good people do. They pity others and expect you to make them feel better about how sad they are about your cancer.
Lesson 8. You will become cheekier. Maybe it’s because of the whole “fear of death” thing, but suddenly you will find yourself fighting fights you probably would have been silent about before. You will become mouthier than ever. You will become brave, I suppose. Any sick patient ought to be brave, otherwise they never make it to the other side getting to ring that bell that all cancer patients hope to ring (there’s a cancer bell, it’s a thing). That bravery will get you far. You’ll start saying things you used to let go, you’ll be louder at times you were quieter, and sometimes you’ll start fights for no damn reason other than you are mad at the world. Sometimes, I’m sorry to say, your newfound bravery will make you confrontational and not always in a good way.
Lesson 9. You will start to become familiar with all your flaws, maybe a little too familiar. You’ll start seeing them up-close with a new set of eyes. Suddenly, you will come to learn that you have quite a lot of them and that they’re not so good, these flaws, they’re terrible in fact. You will be determined that now that you have gotten better you will change those flaws…and who knows, you just might.
Lesson 10. People will actually be jealous of you. Okay, I know I sound absurd but first hear me out. There are several steps to having cancer or any sort of “bad illness”:
•Sympathy
•Pity
•Annoyance
•Burden
•Attention
•Jealousy
You see, due to the fact that we have the worst healthcare system in the world, you will most likely go to the number one insurer in the United States “Go Fund Me”, the more kind messages you get, the more donations, the more warm wishes…something in people’s brain will click and they simply won’t be able to refrain from their jealousy. So, yes…jealousy of sick people is an actual psychological phenomenon and that will turn people terribly mean, even horrid at times. I am sorry to say, but this is one of those battles you will fight alone. It will happen, because as we all know, there will always be bad people ready to pounce even on an ill person, maybe especially on an ill person.
All jokes aside, every illness is a battle, especially in this country, where we continue to have to fight for Universal Healthcare, fight insurance denials when we should be recovering, and rely on the kindness of others to cover a human right, because that’s exactly what healthcare is.
I think the biggest lesson you can take away from all of this is that whoever you were before, you’ll be slightly different after for various reasons and not one of them that will get you a good “inspirational quote” you can post on your insta. Either way, just like with everything else, life will change, and I hope for all of us in some better way.
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Not Another “I Survived Cancer Story”
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