Self-Love is Not a Feeling
When we suffer in a relationship, one piece of advice we often get that is supposed to remedy our pain is that we need to love ourselves, and that chances are we dropped the ball on loving ourselves, which is why we seek love from others.
That definitely applies to many of us but as I’ve said before, the person with the problem often cannot provide the solution for themselves. What do I mean by this?
When one is told that they need to love themselves, they continue on their search for love. Because it’s inward, it takes on a significance that makes one think that they are close to the truth. To their credit, they are definitely closer to the truth. However, they are still searching for a feeling.
Love is not a feeling and loving yourself isn’t a feeling either. Love is a decision. It’s a verb. It can be a noun, that is to say, that it is a state of being, but it can only be achieved after something is done.
What if I were to tell you that self-love might actually feel bad sometimes? That would destroy your concept of what you think love and self-love should feel like, wouldn’t it? But it would explain why love eludes us.
For example, I’m an advocate for people sitting with their negative feelings, whether in journaling, therapy or meditation. This is an act of self-love but it’s not fun and it hurts. I’m also an advocate for exercise, which is also an act of self-love but is also not always fun and hurts. The results of doing these things are quite awesome and you might even encourage others to do it, but if you aren’t doing these things, it makes sense for one would question why.
Now, it is important to note that there are people who go to therapy because they hate themselves and people who work out because they do not think they are worthy of love unless they have some type of physique they deem worthy of love. This self-love thing can be deceptive, especially when people ram it down your throat that you must must must love yourself.
But what if you feel lousy, disappointed in yourself and anxious? Is it not loving to allow yourself to simply feel what you’re feeling? What if you’re not doing what you want to be doing because you feel obligated to put the needs of others before yourself all the time? This might not be loving behaviour, but it has to be accepted before it can be transformed.
People want love because they think it’ll transform their painful life into one of bliss. And maybe that’s true to an extent. But love may very well conjure pain for you to accept before you can experience the bliss. It’s natural to want to be happy, but the path we take is one where we expect a simple path. I’m here to tell you that no such path exists. Various celebrities have warned us that fame, money, and love don’t make you happy. It can make you feel even worse.
So what’s the solution? Overall, it’s a tricky process and if you struggle with self-love, you will fight yourself along the way and have many justifications for why you do what you do.
Take me for example. I wanted to see a movie the other day, but when I saw the time it was airing I started to talk myself out of it. I didn’t want to be on the road at that time of night and I told myself that there would be other opportunities for me to go see it. Luckily, I didn’t fall for it. I felt the inner urge to go and followed through.
The part of me that was talking me out of it wasn’t me. It was a parental voice of the past, where a promise was made but wouldn’t be kept because of the circumstances. I listened to me and I’m glad I did.
This is largely the solution to self-love deficit. You have to know what you want, go for it and not give in to the conglomeration of thoughts that aren’t yours — that is, the mind. As long as you aren’t infringing on the boundaries and rights of others, you should be fine.
Another recommendation is to be soft to yourself. This does not mean that you take a harsh approach when dealing with your beliefs, actions, fears, dreams and such. Furthermore, this does not mean being soft on yourself, which means not holding yourself accountable, blaming others, infringing on others’ boundaries or rights and preserving your inflated self-image at all costs. You can’t just be wanting to feel better and not actually aspire to be better. That isn’t self-love.
What being soft to yourself does mean is like how one would handle a Faberge egg — gently, and possibly with gloves. This is precious, prized and expensive stuff you’re dealing with here. You can’t just toss it about like a beach ball.
When difficult emotions arise within you or you make a mistake, you don’t condemn yourself. However, when you have to take risks and you’re afraid of pain, take the risk because it will set you up for future greatness. Whether you get what you want or you don’t, you’ll learn.
Remember, you’ve been learning how to not love yourself, how to ignore yourself and how to preserve a false notion of safety by living a life someone else taught you to live. It will take some time to unravel all this noise, but if you do the work — the actions of self-love — and not for some hoped for the feeling state, you will be free from the pain you keep placing on yourself. Ultimately, isn’t that really what happiness is about?
Self-Love is Not a Feeling
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