Sometimes, We Have Sex For The Wrong Reasons
Sex is good, but like anything else, it can be used quite badly. There’s a whole lot of miscommunication surrounding any given sexual activity, which makes it especially important to know our motivation. Sadly, this isn’t traditionally covered in sex ed, so most of us have to learn the hard way. That means trial, error, and probably a heap of heartache.
The reasons we have sex are endless, but some are more common than others.
Most of us want to have sex because it — ideally — feels good. It’s designed to feel great. Physically, we crave sex. We’re designed to enjoy it. This is obvious, right? Not exactly rocket science.
But the fact that sex feels so good — and how it’s entirely possible for it to feel good to only one party in the mix — makes it problematic too. People can be motivated to have sex for the wrong reasons, and to use others in the process.
Ideally, we’ll take pleasure in the goodness of giving as much as receiving (if not more). If we care at all about the person in our bed, we will want to help them feel good too.
When I write about sex as intimacy, some people stop me to say that sex and intimacy aren’t synonymous. And that’s true — you can have sex that lacks intimacy. You can also confuse or replace sex for intimacy. But at the end of the day, two people who have sex are sharing a type of intimacy.
One of the most wonderful — though potentially dangerous — things about sex is how it can bond us together through the magic of oxytocin. The love hormone. Oxytocin is pretty damn powerful and not just related to sex. It’s involved with childbirth and breast-feeding, and also associated with empathy, trust, and relationship-building.
This might be a tad controversial, yet I’m betting that most of us who’ve lived long enough to separate “good” sex from “bad” sex have felt the healing effects when it’s good. That’s right, I think that sex can heal us without any codependency or misplaced motivation. After all, oxytocin isn’t only great for bonding — it can help with pain relief too.
But physical pain relief isn’t the only kind of healing that can happen through sex. There’s a lot of emotional healing that can happen too. For those of us who’ve been badly hurt in the past in any number of ways, a healthy sex life can work a bit like magic. Simply being accepted by another person in all of our flaws and nakedness is a special kind of healing balm that penetrates the body and touches the soul.
Unfortunately, sex can also feel bad. When it does feel bad, that often means there’s someone in the mix who is having sex for the wrong reasons.
Remember when I said that sex feels good? The goodness of sex makes it completely natural and normal. Nothing to be ashamed of. But that sensational feeling also means that any single one of us can go into sex completely focused on ourselves and our own pleasure.
The fact that sex feels good can lead to our making poor decisions, and among the worst of these would be the notion that it’s all about us as individuals. Our needs, our desires. Selfishness regarding sex can make someone feel entitled — as if another person owes them sexual favors. That selfishness leads a person to only care about their own pleasure while disregarding the other person(s).
The only place selfishness has in sex is in masturbation. As soon as we involve another person, it ought to be not only consensual, but mutual too.
One of the largest miscommunications that happens with sex is in the way it can lead another person on by implying commitment or love. It’s not uncommon to hear people talk about sex as “getting lucky.” As in, they’re hoping to get laid and basically looking for someone to let them have sex.
But the reason that person gave in and let the other party have sex with them might be totally incongruous with the other. They might think they’re consenting to sex that means something more. That, my friends, is a pretty big clusterfuck.
Consent remains a somewhat novel concept. When I was young, no one talked to us about consent or the fact that a drunk person could not be capable of giving it. In the media, having sex with a drunk person was often portrayed as comical or of course, lucky. Today, we clearly know better, and are beginning to teach the importance of consent.
Even so, we often overlook how our motivation to have sex may be connected to consent. One person might consent to no-strings-attached sex, whereas another will only consent to relationship sex. If we don’t talk about our reasons for having sex, it’s far too easy for everyone to make their own natural assumptions only to wind up hurt and unhappy.
The world is full of men and women who use sex as a form of manipulation with no guilty feelings. They will use other people to get whatever they want, or to invoke a certain response.
Manipulative sex is pervasive in American culture. We both idolize and decry those who dare use sex for their own advantage. It all just depends upon how we tell the story.
I think the tide is slowly turning, so we’re becoming more aware and honest about the dangers of abusive or manipulative sex. But we still have a long way to go, and we could probably all afford to take a good look at our own reasons for having sex to be certain we’re not just using the other person.
Whether or not a person can be truly addicted to sex in the same way they can be addicted to drugs, foods, or gambling is still up for debate by the experts. At the very least, I would say that sex can seem addictive — much like any other pleasurable activity. It can also be a sort of escape for both an abuser and their victim. It can definitely become toxic for codependent people.
Addictive sex may also mean that a person pegs their personal value on how many people, or who, will sleep with them. They find their self-worth through sex, even though it was never meant to fill such a void.
Sometimes people have sex to replace talking. Or dealing with their issues. They might have sex like it’s a relationship fixer — it’s not. Sex is great, and more sex can be even better, but it still won’t erase your problems. It won’t make somebody love you, and it won’t make them stay.
Just like people can become dependent upon relationships, they can also become dependent upon having sex. And for some folks, it’s easier to let their guard down in the bedroom than it is to let someone in on any other level.
Having sex for the right reasons basically means it’s mutual and on the same page as much as possible. We should know why we’re having sex, and try to be as transparent as we can be with our partner(s).
Some people say that there’s no bad reason to have sex. I’d argue that the sticking point depends upon the other person. Do they know why you’re having sex with them? If you haven’t been fully honest with them, how would they feel to know your true intentions?
Ultimately, we alone are responsible for our bodies and the way we choose to use them in relation to others. Only we can know our true motivations.
Because sex education is so lacking in the US, there’s a lot we don’t talk about that matters. We definitely should be talking about good and bad reasons to have sex. If you come from a religious background, you probably heard that you should only have sex within marriage. But even in marriage, you could still use your partner or have sex for the wrong reasons. What then?
And for those of us who are no longer (or never have been) religious, why do we have sex? The answers will vary whether or not we’re in a relationship, and also depend upon the type of relationship, or even the type of sex we prefer to have. These are questions we need to ask ourselves early and often to avoid falling into having sex for the wrong reasons.
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Sometimes, We Have Sex For The Wrong Reasons
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