The Least Painful Ways to Handle Criticism
How you react affects how you feel
Nobody likes critical remarks aimed at them. How you react to criticism, though, influences how it affects you.
Some criticism is a blessing and promotes personal development. When you recognize it as such and accept it well, it’s helpful.
Useless disparagement, on the other hand, can be painful if you take it to heart or become defensive.
Here’s what I’ve learned about how to deal with criticism. Maybe it will benefit you too.
When an individual suggests something unpalatable about you, your initial reaction might be anger. Your hackles will rise and a defensive shield go up around you through which potential slights can’t pass.
The barrier you put up stops helpful insights reaching you, so curb the compulsion to draw conclusions. If you are criticized, wait rather than react.
Postpone responding until you hear the data offered fully. You’ll give yourself a chance to digest what you hear and analyze it. Does it sound reasonable after all? Are you clear about the motive behind the statement?
Rephrase what you think you understood and ask whether you’ve got the gist of its meaning. Hearing the critical comment from your mouth will do one of two helpful things.
The other person will say you’ve misunderstood and illustrate what they want to express in a manner you can appreciate. Or, they will take responsibility, possibly withdrawing an uncalled-for remark or clarifying what prompted them to speak.
Most critical folks are agitated. Sometimes their anxiety has nothing to do with you. They’ve had a rotten day, or feel lousy and take their angst out on you. Their disparagement says far more about them than you.
Criticism sometimes emanates from people who want to look powerful too. It’s like boasting. “Look everybody. I can put this guy down just as quickly as swatting a fly.”
The truth though, is the critical individual doesn’t really believe they are superior. Quite the contrary. Why put someone down if not to elevate themselves because they feel insignificant?
Once you notice they have an inferiority complex, you learn their critiques aren’t personal. It’s about their issues, not yours, and you have a choice.
You can brush useless condemnation off and walk away, knowing it’s insignificant: A favorable response that frees you to move on and ignore the incident.
Or, you can speak your mind if the event will torment you otherwise. If you choose the latter, let go of indignation. Take deep breaths before speaking so you are calm — imagine you’re Spock from Star Trek — rather than upset.
You might say everyone has a right to their point of view and the critical remark doesn’t match yours. Then end the conversation since it isn’t going anywhere worthwhile.
Some critical assertions aren’t meant to hurt you, but they are based on contrasting views to yours — not wrong or right, just different. An individual might quibble with you, yet, their criticism isn’t based on truth or logic. It’s only an attitude.
If your way is right for you, but someone is critical, why not thank them for their opinion and let go? It’s okay for them to disagree with you and there’s no need to feel affronted as long as no malicious intention hides beneath the critical remark.
“The trouble with most of us is that we’d rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.”–Norman Vincent Peale
Constructive criticism is worth its weight in gold. It’s a fast track to growth if you take it on-board. When critical folks are right, be thankful. Accepting greater knowledge adds to your wisdom and makes you wiser for taking notice.
Some people feel uncomfortable about giving advice and it comes out of their mouths in awkward ways. They might fear rejection and not want to agitate you. Note folk’s demeanor when they offer wisdom.
Are they nervous? Maybe they want to help you. Unwrap their offerings and say “thank you.” It takes longer to learn things when people are too anxious to tell you what’s wrong. When they give helpful remarks, be glad.
“Who do you spend time with? Criticizers or encouragers? Surround yourself with those who believe in you. Your life is too important for anything less.”–Steve Goodier
The only time to care about criticism is when it’s correct. If you identify any other sort, let it fly. Distasteful criticism comes from individuals whose judgments you don’t rate anyway.
At other times, someone you care about might be stressed and their words are insensitive and unreliable. Tomorrow they will be sorry, and if they aren’t, you can wait until they are approachable and review the matter peacefully. Then again, if they aren’t often so critical, you can overlook the matter.
Accept helpful reproach with grace and your wisdom will increase. You’ll look smart too. (Imprudent people don’t accept constructive feedback).
When criticism is outright inaccurate, though, don’t accept it; let it go. If someone tries to hand you a scolding hot potato, you can leave them with it so it doesn’t burn you. The same is true of criticism.
“It is much more valuable to look for the strength in others. You can gain nothing by criticizing their imperfections.”–Daisaku Ikeda
It’s always better to explore what’s reasonable about individuals and talk about that than tell them you think there’s something wrong with them.
Then again…
“We need very strong ears to hear ourselves judged frankly, and because there are few who can endure frank criticism without being stung by it, those who venture to criticize us perform a remarkable act of friendship, for to undertake to wound or offend a man for his own good is to have a healthy love for him.”–Michel de Montaigne
If you wish to give someone a piece of your mind, however, stop. What’s your motive? Do the words you wish to speak stem from loving concern or are they an attempt to gain one-upmanship?
It’s hard not to speak your mind when you have firm views, but it’s far pleasanter to zip it than upset folks and deal with the overflow. People respond best to positivity. Unless you offer words that heal or help them, don’t speak.
“I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.”–Charles Schwab
The Least Painful Ways to Handle Criticism
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