They are more insecure than you think
So you are in a meeting and it’s finally your chance to speak. You have an idea that you have been working on and you want to get this across. But you know there will be at least one person who will immediately cause dissent and shut down your idea even before it finishes taxiing and leaves for the runway.
The problem is they are skillful at getting their way and influencing others with their negative talk. They are closed thinkers, quick to blame and throw scathing comments. For this reason, others know it would be foolish to put themselves in the line of fire and so a group majority forms. Your idea crashes and burns and the group goes with what feels safe. When this happens it sucks and worst still you start to question your own abilities.
If any of this sounds familiar and you can identify one or more individuals in your business or personal life. The chances are you are dealing with someone who is insecure and not as confident as it would appear. Unfortunately, in society, we automatically value and notice people who appear confident on the outside. They are naturally seen as influential and sometimes given more credence despite behaving in a way that we should really be questioning.
These people could be our leaders, peers, friends or family and for this reason, we sometimes have a tendency to put up with it and describe that person as just difficult. In many cases, these people are credible and highly competent, which masks their behaviour. As a consequence, they are offered a degree of leniency, where no one really questions their behaviour and what is being said.
I myself have fallen into that category of wanting to avoid confrontation, I remember working with one particular person who ticked many of the negative influential boxes described above. He was an ex-police force sergeant. So understandably he was used to using his authoritative tone to deal with people. Fast forward a number of years and this same tone has been carried forward into meetings. Say something he didn’t like or strongly disagreed with and you would be on the receiving end of a tongue lashing. Sometimes left feeling that it was a stupid idea in the first place! There have been many times in the past where I have watched and listened to ideas raised by others also crash and burn on his say so.
This said person often only saw the problems and reasons why we should not change or give something a go. On the one hand, you could argue that he was a realist and that it is always healthy to have a difference in opinion. How I felt was my problem, not his. All this is true and understanding the said person’s motivations and working out how best to collaborate is always part of the course.
It is only recently I have become aware that when faced with such people the chances are their behaviour is the opposite of what they are portraying. They are overcompensating because of a lack of confidence and therefore reacting and playing out their fears for good reason.
Fundamentally at any point in time, we all sit on different parts of the change curve and a big part of constructively influencing is communication. But sometimes you are faced with a mountain to move no matter what strategies you used. Whether it is, pre-meeting alignment talks, seeking out allies. You know ultimately you are dealing with an insecure person, so you have to figure out other ways to work with them.
There is nothing wrong with being or feeling insecure, we all feel this at some point in our lives. It is natural and expected to feel anxious and uncertain about unfamiliar circumstances. Problems arise when this feeling is played out in a negative and poisonous way as per the examples below.
If we take a look at the other side of the coin of how a confident person behaves you will see they are the polar opposite. Confident people, on the other hand, behave in a way where they are.
So now that we know the signs and symptoms of an insecure person how do you deal with them. With one word and that is.
It would be easy to say just cut them off and avoid working with them. That would be easy for us. Sometimes we don’t have the luxury to make that choice and we are forced to grit our teeth and smile politely. In these situations, the ideas and tips below will help protect you and help keep your sanity.
In summary, the negative behaviours of insecure people are easy to spot if you listen and look for them. Don’t let other peoples insecurity devalue who you are. Try not to take their words and actions personally, remember they are playing out their own reality.
Thanks for reading!
They are more insecure than you think
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