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98 posts since
9 Dec 2020
My husband recently started chemotherapy treatment for stage IV oesophageal cancer. It has astounded us some of the things people say when told that he has cancer. So far, we have had –
“Have you made a will?”
“Gosh, this was year was awful, but next year is going to be even worse for you!!”
“You wouldnt keep an animal this way”
“This is going to bring you to your knees”
“You should contact the hospice now”
Would like to add, my husband is actually doing ok so far!
1082 posts since
3 Dec 2019
Hi Frenchie.
Some people have no idea what to say it would be better if they didn’t say anything at all. On the forum we’ve heard it all some have actually started strings,think one is called “twelve things not to say to someone with cancer”. The list is a lot longer than twelve .
Glad you’re husband is doing well,
Take care
Billy
141 posts since
28 Jul 2020
Hi Frenchie,
You have just made me laugh out loud!!. God, what is with people!! Some of the stuff they come out with!
We made the decision to NOT mention cancer to people , primarily for that reason. We didn’t want their pity and certainly did not want their ‘helpful’ tips. We didn’t want ,going forward ,that elephant in the room.
you can just picture it-: a few months down the line, treatment done, just getting your head through the recent rollercoaster, you go out to town, bump into people you haven’t seen for a bit, you chat about trivial stuff, and they have to, just have to ask ” is so n so still alive, how is the cancer”. and then the best comment ever “how are you coping” , honestly, what is coping, what does it look like in practice?. Nobody copes or doesn’t, we just plod along.
Best wishes
H
102 posts since
18 Dec 2020
Hi Daisy71
I was diagnosed with Neck cancer on New Years Eve 2020 and the second quote on your list really made me laugh 
Thank you.
3 posts since
5 Feb 2021
Firstly I am glad to hear your husband is doing well so far.
When I was firstly diagnosed with Bowel cancer in 2018 the people that did speak to me about it it normally went like this.
“Bowel Cancer, my mother died of that”
“Bowel Cancer my wife died of that”
Its just as well I have a dark sense of humour.
Good luck to you both on your Journey going forward.
Martin
98 posts since
9 Dec 2020
Yes, can relate to this, people seem to think it will comfort me to tell me about everyone they know who has or has had, cancer, especially if they died.
Am also fed up of the peoole who tell me I ‘Must be strong’ ‘ Why must I?! If I feel I want to cry, or have a little moment, I will, I am human, and have been married 23 years to someone, and just found out they may die soon, good lord, if I am not allowed show emotion for that then there would be something wrong with me! Of course, when I am able to be strong, and positive for us, I am, and thats fine too.
I am sorry for those of you who are affected by cancer, but pleased if I made you smile – sometimes you have to just laugh dont you! Take care all x
5 posts since
8 Feb 2021
I told people I work with I had Cancer. I was in mid conversation about finding a lump and colleague walks in and in wisdom said You could die! well it’s nice to be informed of that!! Other colleague said if I was going to get cancer yours is best type to get!! Is there a best one I wondered
1082 posts since
3 Dec 2019
Hi people tend to put foot in mouth in certain moments, and when cancer is mentioned it’s a lot more common.. luckily alot of people learn what not to say after awhile . most mean good and will be good friends if you need a hand or just someone to talk to.
But remember the forum has people who have been there done that so can talk better about things.
Take care and keep positive .
Hope you get things sorted soon.
Billy
5 posts since
8 Feb 2021
Thanks Billy. Yep most people do mean well. I did feel when went into work and they knew that some people did a very good disappearing act! But I would rather address Elephant in room so everyone feels comfortable to talk about it
2 posts since
15 Feb 2021
Hi I’m new so if I’ve done the post wrong I apologise.
I had to tell you of a comment my husband got from HR on a recent phone call.
It went something along these lines.
I have an update from oncology appointment, chemo didn’t work and I have 6 to 7 months left.
Oh ok well I hope you feel better soon
No I wont I’m dying
Oh right sorry so when your feeling better are you back I to work?
Fortunately his boss was on the call to hear this clanger
1082 posts since
3 Dec 2019
Hi definitely ok no worries about this post.
Definitely case of foot in mouth,
Sometimes people have no idea and don’t think at all, luckily they are rare.
Billy
98 posts since
9 Dec 2020
Oh my. 
Thats awful, am so sorry about the diagnosis too.
5 posts since
8 Feb 2021
Oh Wow really. Unbelievable. Sounds like HR need some training in compasione . They have no idea. I’m sorry to hear this about Diagnosis. Hear to listen if need to talk X Fran
20 posts since
10 Jan 2021
God that’s just appalling!
My current favourite is when people immediately say something like “but you’re so young!” (I’m 27). Yes…I know I’m young. If anything, it feels extra rubbish!
I also get quite tired of people asking intrusive questions like “does this mean you’ll never be able to have children?”
Real great one was someone saying “well if they do a double mastectomy, maybe you’ll get a great new pair of bigger t*ts out of it!”. Cheers pal 
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