We Tell Google Our Secrets, But Not Our Friends
Sitting in my fiancé’s car with tears streaming down my face, I exposed my fears. I explained I wasn’t sure I could marry her because I might have cancer.
My symptoms? A nagging discomfort in my groin.
When the symptoms first started, I consulted Google after only a few days. It took months, however, before I worked up the courage to consult a doctor, who told me it was just a hernia.
Health has always been an anxiety trigger for me. If I have a headache, it’s a brain tumor. If my knees feel achy, I panic; imagining it’s the first stage of ALS. Even if I can’t go to sleep, I somehow convince myself I’m developing insomnia — because surely, it’s not the shot of espresso I downed at 10pm.
Experience has taught me more times than I can count not to Google my symptoms. Yet I almost always succumb to the temptation and whip out my iPhone when no one is looking. But I’m not the only one.
For many of us, Google is our first confidant when we wrestle with thoughts that scare us. This is in part thanks to the convenience of carrying the internet in our pockets. But there’s another, more troubling, reason as well.
We don’t just ask Google questions out of convenience. We tell Google our secrets because it’s anonymous. Google allows us to find help without the awkwardness and embarrassment that comes from sharing our secrets with a real person. And we’ll sometimes use Google as more than just a search engine. We use the machine as a safe place to confess doubts, fears and failures.
Nearly 4 million people tell Google every month they’re fighting thoughts of suicide. About 75,000 people per month confess to Google that they have eyes for someone other than their lover. And roughly 70,000 people are talking to Google because, according to their search queries, they’re lonely and have no one else to talk to.
For many people, Google is the only place they’ve expressed these thoughts. They feel alone and hopeless, and believe if they tell anyone what they’re going through, they’ll be judged, blamed, or patronized. They’re afraid of losing their relationships or reputation. So they turn to an anonymous, non-judgemental search engine for help.
In his book, Everybody Lies: Big Data, New Data And What The Internet Can Tell Us About Who We Really Are , Seth Stephens-Davidowitz says,
The world we see is colored by the beauty and fun our friends share on social media. If you look at what we share with Google, however, you’ll get an entirely different story. On social media we make our lives look better than they really are. In a podcast I heard recently, the interviewee said, “Social media is always the worst version of me, versus the best version of everybody else.”
Google, in contrast, is where we go to be honest. We share our real thoughts because it’s anonymous. No one is there to judge you for what you search.
On Instagram, people post pictures of their happy marriages. On Google they ask why their spouse won’t have sex with them. On Facebook people post pictures of their hilarious kids. On Google their kids confess, “My mom beats me” or, “My dad hits me.”
If you want beauty, open your Instagram app. If you want reality, Google it.
We usually ask Google questions we know it can answer.
“How’s the weather?”
“When is Labor Day?”
“Where is Wonder Woman from?”
Sometimes, however, we don’t ask Google questions. We tell our secrets. We confess the things we’re afraid to tell anyone else. Stephens-Davidowitz again says,
Like a confessional, Google doesn’t judge you. It simply listens and then gives the best advice it can. But unlike a confessional, Google cannot absolve you because it’s not a person. You may think you’ve found a sense of peace by finding an answer to your question. But eventually that sinking lonely feeling will sweep in like a flood, yet again, because what you were really searching for was not an answer. You were searching for a conversation; a friend.
As stated, sometimes we treat Google like a confessional—meaning we’re not looking for an answer. We just need a safe place to unload or vent. I partially agree. But I think it’s more than that.
People search Google for answers. That’s what it’s for. Even when our queries look more like confessions than questions, we’re still looking for an answer. The answer we’re looking for is, “You’re not alone. You’re normal. You’re human.” We’re hoping someone out there will have the courage to be honest about their own struggles, and share how they came through them. That makes Google a helpful tool. But it also keeps us from feeling the weight of our need for community and friendship.
Finding answers to our questions will never be enough because we’re meant for more than answers. We’re meant for community. We need relationships. You may find some direction and helpful information if you share your symptoms or secrets with an anonymous search engine. But if you want to find peace, you need more than the comfort of an answer. What you need is empathy.
Google is no match for a simple friendship as long as that friendship has purpose. If your friendships are superficial and based on gossip and comparison, then you will keep all your secrets between you and Google. But if your friends will go deep, asking real questions, and being genuinely concerned for each other, that’s powerful. We all want those kinds of friends, yet so few of us have them. Why? Because honest conversations are awkward. That’s why we talk to Google about it. But if you want to feel the freedom that comes with being fully known without judgement, then someone has to have the balls to go first and confess their junk. It might as well be you.
The people in your life don’t need you to seem strong when you’re actually weak, or put together when you’re really a mess. They need you to be human. Making yourself appear whole when you’re broken is natural, but it works against you. Your fakeness only brings out the competitiveness in everyone else. If you share your weaknesses, rather than your strengths, that confession gives others the courage to do the same.
The late Rev. Billy Graham once said, “Courage is contagious. When a brave man takes a stand, the spines of others are often stiffened.” The same is true for transparency. When a brave person is honest about their doubts, fears and failures, others find the courage to be transparent.
We trust Google with our secrets because Google doesn’t judge us. The search engine just gives us honest answers. But we can do that too. We can boldly share our weaknesses and flaws rather than hiding and Googling them later. We can stop judging each other for thoughts we’ve had ourselves. In that respect, we can be like Google. But we can be better than Google. We can be human.
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We Tell Google Our Secrets, But Not Our Friends
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