What to Do When You’re Mad and Want to Get Even
So, you’re mad. Fuming. Straight-up pissed off. You’re delirious with ruminating ideas of sickeningly sweet revenge to make that S.O.B. suffer the way they made you suffer.
…we’ve all been there.
Revenge is not a new phenomenon; even the Old Testament preaches the vengeful notion of seeking “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” to bring justice to those who have wronged us.
But why do we feel the need for revenge at all?
And, more importantly, what’s the best way to metaphorically “settle the score” without actually pulling teeth or chopping off toes?
Literally, cry. Sob, in fact. Wallow. Make it ugly. Let that shit out.
Research indicates that the physical act of crying is a self-soothing mechanism that can help regulate homeostasis, stabilize mood, and reduce stress (source).
As counterintuitive as it may seem, letting out your best ugly-cry can actually help to calm you down and deescalate your ruminating thoughts of revenge. The calmer you are, the easier it is to think logical, rational thoughts.
…which brings us to:
What is it that you’re actually mad about?
Are you mad that this person has intentionally done something hurtful, spiteful, immoral, or straight-up evil and got away with it?
Are you mad that they were manipulative? Condescending? Selfish? Untrustworthy?
Are you mad that they embarrassed you or took advantage of you?
If you answered YES to any of the questions above, then I’ve got news for you:
The problem is not what they “did” to you — it’s how YOU reacted.
Let’s say you stumbled across flirty text messages exchanged between your significant other and one of your best friends and you’re livid. What are you actually mad about?
Are you mad that your S.O. and BFF consensually engaged in behavior that brought them joy? Of course not; you’re mad that they failed to uphold your expectation of the relationship.
You’re mad because you thought you could trust them. You’re mad because you feel like they took advantage of your loyalty. You’re seeking revenge because they didn’t follow the same “rules” you unofficially agreed upon. You feel cheated, lied to, and stabbed in the back.
…but you are the only person to blame for that hurt.
As much as it sucks to admit, you are responsible for setting the expectations they did not live up to. You are responsible for telling yourself the “story” that your best friend will always respect the boundaries of your relationship; that your partner will always be honest about their feelings and reciprocate your loyalty; that you deserve to never be cheated on, lied to, or manipulated in any way.
You are responsible for writing stories of the way things “should” be instead of facing the facts the true facts of how things actually are.
Luckily, I’ve got a remedy for that.
As Buddha once said, “life is suffering.” What he (probably) meant by that statement is that life is uncertain, ever-changing, and the only thing we can truly count on is suffering — happiness is sold separately.
When you realize that someone else’s “wrongdoings” are actually just doings (and you were the one who attached the “wrong”), you can begin rewriting stories of how someone hurt you into stories of what they taught you.
When someone does you dirty, it reveals a truth — about them, about you, or about the world in general.
…and truth is a gift. Learning the truth helps uncover the delusions preventing you from achieving your full potential. It helps expose your weaknesses so you can turn them into strengths (or tap into existing strengths). It helps determine who you should walk away from and who you should stay and fight for.
Which brings us to the very last step of the process:
The old adage “hurt people hurt people” explains why offering forgiveness is the best remedy for thoughts of revenge: vengeance and compassion cannot co-exist.
The pain people intentionally (or unintentionally) inflict upon you is usually a projection of an unhealed wound they are still suffering from themselves. Realizing that someone is lashing out because they are hurt, scared, insecure, sad, or frustrated can help you find compassion for their situation and forgiveness for their behavior.
PLEASE NOTE: Forgiveness does not mean acceptance; you can forgive someone for their behavior while simultaneously setting boundaries of the behavior you’re willing to accept from them in the future.
It’s easier to forgive someone for hurting you than it is to forgive yourself for hurting someone else.
When you forgive the person who hurt you — even if they don’t deserve it — you stop ruminating vengeful thoughts about the hurt they caused.
…and that, my friends, is the most satisfying way to settle the score.
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What to Do When You’re Mad and Want to Get Even
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