When Your Relationships Aren’t Good Enough Anymore
You find yourself in a relationship of any type that doesn’t feel like it’s aligned with who you’re becoming. You wait for the feeling to pass because it’ll pass right? You’re just going through a funky phase.
But this feeling-it lingers through days, even months, and sometimes it’s so pronounced that you feel on the brink of a breakdown from loneliness.
Time and again, you reflect on your current relationships. They used to be great, but now, they don’t seem to water you. Now, you have a growing feeling that you’re not the same, and your bedrock relationships aren’t really fulfilling to whomever it is you’re becoming. Still, It’s not even clear to you who this new version of yourself is.
So what? Are you just supposed to cut everyone off? Who does that? Is isolation even the answer?
You start toying with the idea of meeting new people.
Who has the time for that?
You tell yourself this but grit your teeth each evening through your existing social commitments. You spend time in more of the unfulfilling situations, so it’s not really a question about time. Time isn’t what’s truly stopping you from reaching out into the world to find people with whom you can meaningfully connect.
So what is it?
It is the anxiety of the activation energy that must be overcome to make any dramatic life change.
Okay. Fine. How do I get across this hill?
Well, you have to take it one step at a time, and I’ve outlined what I believe are the three first steps of this journey here.
The voice that you are living a life dissonant with who you’re supposed to be, it won’t go away. Maybe you can tape its mouth shut, but it’ll still whimper. It’ll still hurt.
You have to accept that you are not yet in the life that you need to be in. Maybe this life was great for a while. Maybe it fit you for a while, but human beings change and grow, and with that, so do their needs and wants. It’s okay.
Tell yourself this: I am allowed to evolve.
You will likely anger some of your existing social circle as you change. You will hear comments like the classic “you’ve changed.” That’s good. People should evolve to grow into their most authentic selves, and this is a lifelong process. The fact that you’re changing is positive feedback (though it may be given with a negative intent).
Ask for what you need from your existing circle, and start branching out.
Too often, we stay in dynamics that aren’t for us because there’s an almost prohibitive activation energy required to start the building process from scratch, to go forth into this social jungle of a world to meet relatively healthy and intelligent new friends. It takes time to go to Meetups, and it takes courage to ask a potential future key player in your life to hang out.
What if they say no? What if they say yes, but then after thirty minutes of one on one time you realize that this person is garbage and you would like to never see them again?
I want you to think of these potential outcomes as moments of potential growth. It’s cheesy but true. You’ll learn how to handle rejection. You’ll learn how to tell someone you don’t think the two of you are a good fit. These are essential skills to being an adult. Taking these chances is also the only way you can guarantee you’ll truly find people who are in alignment with your growth.
I am a huge proponent of just completely cutting out toxic, terrible people from your life. That said, many times you and a friend are just at different places in your lives. They’re not bad people, and you’re not bad people, and you’ve shared some awesome times. Maybe one day in the future you can reconnect on a deeper level.
You’ve got to accept that day is not today, and time is finite. You have to live the most authentic life you can. Building that life takes time.
We never want to be in relationships just because we have to be there. We won’t be satisfied this way, and we won’t put our best foot forward under these circumstances. Give yourself the option to explore and have faith.
You will find your people.
When Your Relationships Aren’t Good Enough Anymore
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