You Can’t Hack Your Life
Depending on the day, I’m either wholly and completely happy with how my life is going or obsessively trying to find ways to do things better.
I’ll try to organize my work computer in a better way. Or schedule my time more efficiently. Or read up on ways to be a better father. Or maximize the extra minutes in my life — surely those 420 seconds I get in the shower every morning are a waste if I’m not using them wisely, right?
Being a person prone to more anxious days than not, I am often drawn to articles with titles like seven easy steps to a better work-life balance. Or How to hack your 401k.
After all, who doesn’t want to improve their lives in seven easy steps, or save so much money you can retire at 40? And sometimes these can be meaningful. It’s true: I actually have found it helpful to just spend a minute or two while I’m showering to think about what I want to accomplish throughout the day.
But ultimately any life hack I try in earnest inevitably proves to be fruitless.
Here’s how it goes down: I discover a new hack, I read the article, I try it out, and then go on with my life. Between a toddler on the verge of potty training, a wife in medical residency working odd and long hours, a full-time job as a copywriter, and my own writing practice outside of work, I’ve come to a harsh realization:
Certainly, I can improve my life. Certainly, I can become a better person. Certainly, I can work towards change — we all can — but I can’t hack it.
I can’t become a better father or husband overnight with seven easy steps. I can’t find happiness by simply changing the way I eat in the morning. I can’t save a thousand dollars per month by spinning in circles and only using a money clip and saving every receipt.
Because life doesn’t work like that. At least, mine doesn’t.
Good, healthy change takes time. And intention. And purpose.
Reading an article on betterment and then trying to directly implement that into my day/ life doesn’t work. And it doesn’t work for the very reason that most of the time when we find a life hack, we weren’t actually looking for it. It probably just popped up in a Twitter feed, or here on Medium. It touched on an aspect of behavior or life that we may or may not have been aware of, but it promised results that no one would argue you with.
But if we’re honestly and earnestly looking for a change, seeking resolution, working toward improvement, then a hack is just that: a hack. It can’t (and won’t) last.
Recently, my wife and I have been having lots of talks about my role as a father and husband. About how tired I am at the end of the day, and how that translates to me not being very present in the evening. I pick up my daughter come around 6:00 pm and shower her with love and joy, cook and eat dinner around 7 pm, and by the time she’s in bed at 7:30 pm, I’m running on fumes. That leaves little (if any) of my energy, passion, and love for my wife who has also just finished a long and difficult day.
This, of course, needs to change. It has to change. I want it to change.
So I’ve been talking to my therapist about it. I’ve been looking at ways that I can improve my diet so I have more energy throughout the day. I’m trying to get more sleep each night. I’m looking to close friends and family to hold me accountable.
And yet — I still fall short many nights.
Again — I want the change. I need it. I didn’t stumble upon it in an article and thought, hey, that sounds good. I defined it as an area in my life that I want to improve and actively set out to do just that, and yet I still struggle with feeling drained at the end of the day.
Why?
Because there’s a lot more going on than just being tired, and it’s important to address those things. I can’t just hack them. I can’t say things are different now and expect that to work.
A habit can only become a habit when it stops being intentional and becomes unintentional.
Of course, to develop a habit, you must begin with intentionality, but if you want to meditate every morning for 10 minutes or even 30 minutes to improve memory, or appetite, or attention, and you want this new practice to be as regular as your morning shower, then it has to become unintentional.
After all, you don’t intentionally set out to shower every morning. You wake up, brush your teeth, jump in the shower, get dressed, eat and get to work. It’s all unintentional because it’s all habit.
So if you’re looking to save money, you first need to define that as a personal goal and not simply stumble upon eight great tips to wealth and prosperity. The latter is going to leave you shortchanged. (Get it? Huh?)
If you want to create a daily writing practice, that has to be your desire, not anyone else’s.
If you want to be a better father, or friend, or partner, you can’t decide that after reading a headline. It has to be guttural. It has to be your decision.
And you have to figure out how that works for you.
Because every time I read a life hack article about saving more money, it doesn’t take into account that my car is about to break down and require several thousand dollars of repairs. It doesn’t take into account that my wife and I have to meet our maximum out-of-pocket expenses each year due to a pre-existing condition. Using cash to pay for my coffee, or whatever the hack might suggest, doesn’t fix that problem. So whenever I try to implement those hacks into my life, they fail.
But when I address that saving money is an important goal for me and my family, and we take inventory of our lives, and our challenges, and our upcoming expenses, and look at our habits, we can find a path that works for us. It might not work for our friends or family members, but it works for us.
What worries me most about lifehacks beyond their sustainability, is their implications on mental health. When you try to improve your life, and it doesn’t work, you’re left feeling worse about yourself.
We couldn’t make it work. We couldn’t improve our lives. We couldn’t follow the seven simple steps to success. How are we ever going to change?
So if you want real change, set the course. Find the path, and ask for help from others. Don’t just try something because it only takes a small amount of effort.
Last night my wife and I ate dinner with our daughter and didn’t look at our phones. We put the baby down and then folded the laundry together. We watched some Gilmore Girls before going to bed. We joked about our days. We spent time together and were present with and for one another. Tonight might be a different story, but last night was actual progress. Not a hack.
You Can’t Hack Your Life
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