angry with my sons family
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29 posts since
9 Jan 2019
just looking for other people’s opinions. My son has undergone 6 1/2 months of intensive chemo and radiation. Chemo every other week. 6 and 3 day cycles with 6 weeks radiation in the middle. I have bought my son up on my own ( he will soon be 20). During this time I have had no financial, emotional or practical support from anyone on his dads side. However, I arranged for him to see his grandparents once a month and this happened throughout his childhood. He will still go round and visit. During his treatment they have again not offered any practical emotional or financial support. He has had to date 110 hospital appointments (220 round trips 130 miles). 68 over night stays, I have covered 15000 miles paid a small fortune on petrol etc. I have had to continue to work full time as well as be with him and they have only visited once at hospital! A couple of times they have looked after him in the day whilst I worked, but once he had to go back to the hospital and his grandad had gone to the pub so they couldn’t get him there. I was 200 miles away working and had to come and get him as he needed to be at the hospital. I was so annoyed and have not spoken to them since. We haven’t fallen out I just let my son speak with them. At the start of treatment they offered him money but once they found out I had a little put away for him they stopped it. They also did the same with a holiday they offered him. I am disgusted with their behaviour it feels like they have stepped aside and had no part to play during his illness. Am I being unfair? I lost for words. They do not know his treatment has finished as they never call me. They have never once asked me how I am!!
i cannot comprehend this strange and distant behaviour. His nanna always says how much he means to her and the he is her whole world, but I am realising that they are words with no meaning behind them!
I am scared what I will say to them if they do contact me as don’t want to make a scene in front of my son, but I’m guessing he can see this for himself as he has not phoned them to tell them he’s finished .
am I missing something or being unreasonable?
2171 posts since
4 Jan 2019
Hi carebear
I think you and your sun want to have a good talk about what’s been going on lately something of clear the air, as you say he’s probably noticed anyway then decide weather he wants to visit or not because they certainly haven’t been any help to either of you. Best wishes.. Billy
29 posts since
9 Jan 2019
Thank you for your reply. You really do see people’s true personality at times like this. My son knows I am more angry that she offered him money and a holiday and then withdrew the offers. He too was annoyed and chooses what he tells her from now on and the fact he hasn’t called her speaks volumes. It’s his birthday in a couple of weeks so I would hope she will call him. He loves her very much and she does him and I would not want to break this bond. However, she has troublesome relationships with all three of her own children and I feel she lacks the qualities that my side of the family have. She forgets that I have bought my son up single handledly and he has my values, morals and perspective on life and not hers and that hers are not ok. She talks the talk but Doesnt know how or chooses not to put those words into actions. I have asked my son to call her 3/4 times now and he hasn’t. He has equally commented that she has not called him though and that she has no idea what’s going on- his words
2171 posts since
4 Jan 2019
Hi carebear,, as you say you find out the real person when things like this happen, I’ve been lucky, but i heard of plenty on forum, relatives and family have vertually ran away, don’t want to know, as you say then you find your true friends,,, good luck with your sons recovery and both your futures.. Billy
202 posts since
21 May 2019
Hi Carebear. I think what this shows most is what a fantastic mum you are! And you are probably emotionally and physically exhausted. My understanding is that Maggie Centres, MacMillan Centres etc offer support to carers of cancer patients, so maybe you could look into what they offer. A bit of TLC and pampering ( I believe you can have a massage or a manicure) might help you, although I can only hope there is a therapy centre near you. as I:m sure you’re fed up of the driving. Yes, some people ‘run a mile’ from a cancer situation, but I’m sure you will get lots of support on here as regards what you have been through. I hope your son is on the mend.; maybe you should have that holiday together, just the 2 of you.
1025 posts since
3 May 2018
Hi you must be exhausted i hope your sons sons treament is helping. Its a common thread runs through this site about family being unhelpul its times like this you get to see the true selves we expect otheres to be like us and when they let us down they dont hurt and suffer we do .i wouldnt do anything at the moment perhaps they dont realise but if you do have an argument then you loose the bit of help your getting from them i know you would love to give them a piese of your mind but you would feel ok for a while till the pain of shooting yourself in the foot came just do as best you can be polite but let them come if they dont then have a word with your son the less strees on him the better if you fall aut with his nan it will cause more stress maybe its not the grandma but a slelfish grandfather ive seen how these guys literally hold there partners to ransom then whine when they loose them try and put them to the back of your mind for the time being then sort em out .for certain reasons i had to bite my tounge with my partners idaughter i hated it then when the problems where reolved i told her what a horrible person she had been and wanted no contacr with he what a releif that was but it was hard but glad i did hope all goes well with you and your son nothin else is important than you or him .regards paul ps are they realy worth the effort the daughter barly came to hospital and left it all to me over the years then bitched i didnt help her sort her mums atuff out of her bugalow we lived together but kept our own houses just moved back and forth it was good as liz lived in the country and i in a town she did throw some of my stuff away but it didnt matter
29 posts since
9 Jan 2019
Thank you
29 posts since
9 Jan 2019
Thank you. Yes, I think I need a massage and a holiday 
29 posts since
9 Jan 2019
Thank you. It is definitely his nanna. She wears the trousers her poor husband can not even think on his own! She last spoke to my son 6 weeks ago when he’d just got out of hospital with an temperature. She was annoyed that he hadn’t told her he’d been in hospital, he also cancelled his next planned visit to hers as he had alternative plans with his friends. She’s very controlling so the fact she wasn’t informed about his hospital admission and him not going down to see her would have Annoyed her. She knew that he was getting near the end of his treatment but has not phoned him or me to see how it’s gone? I’m totally baffled. Why would a nanna that says she cares so much not phone him or me and ask us how he is? She either doesn’t care or is so wrapped up in herself that the fact she’s angry is more important than how her grandsons treatment has gone. I cannot bring myself to talk to this woman again. Whether my son continues to ( I’m sure he will) is completely his choice.
1025 posts since
3 May 2018
Hi ime not kidding people can act realy wierd in situations like this it dosnt follow that they dont care sometimes its fear as i said my partners daughter barely came to hospital when her mum passed away i know she was frightend of hospitals she adored her mum then took her guilt out on me and like i said i held my tongue i had no choice but after she said if she didnt see me it was like a double loss all i can say is what ive done its your choice just wait while your not under such stress stress realy is a terrible thing it clouds your mind causes anger and irational thinking you know your gp gan help with this short term theres a saying be carefull what you say you cant take it back i realy hope you resolve this in a good way .the other option can be even more painfull do you realy need it now keep talking someone else may have a better way of looking at it but whatever it is keep talking my eldest grandaught had leukemia at 9 she 21 now bless her .paul
29 posts since
9 Jan 2019
Thank you for your response. I know this may sound crazy but I’m not stressed. Tired emotionally and physicslly yes, stressed no, worried, of course. I am a very positive person and take each day at a time and my mental health has always been a priority ( long before this happened).
There are a few people who have showed their true colours and I will distance myself from them. His nanna being one. I certainly won’t get angry with her. Often saying nothing has a stronger effect.
I have always kept my distance from her and my sons relationship and never said anything negative about her. However he has seen my response to her lack of support during treatment and will draw his own conclusions. As I said she never calls me, never has and her contact is directly with my son so if she stops that then it is not my place to get involved. I sincerely hope she contacts him soon to ask how he is though. My anger is for my son and not for me. I don’t care if I don’t speak to her again as we have never had a good relationship. However, it would be a shame for their relationship. I understand that people cope differently under these circumstances but her response is very unhelpful… imagine if everyone did that! She is an adult and should be seeking help if she is struggling to cope. She has phoned him regularly during treatment but not since the last call 6 weeks ago so I can only put this down to her being annoyed about not being kept up to date with things.
Im glad you granddaughter is doing well
1025 posts since
3 May 2018
Hi trust me stress it hides in your brain it caused me to have an iregular heart beat at one time .you cant not be stressed i was realy laid back but subconsciously it was there hiding and at one time or another ive been through just about every senario on here 14 months ago i lost the love of my life and to me the world ended now to cap it all ime waiting for results to see if i have cancer and i lost a granson so have a pretty good beat on things and ive learned we worry to much and get angry over things that are not important only life . Hope you dont let it get to you . Iike you said just let them come to you if they offer help take it .your right in cases like this you find out your true friends and sometime help comes from people you would never expect when otheres let you down just like you said distance yourself let them feel guilty and they will
29 posts since
9 Jan 2019
I’m so sorry to hear about the tough time that you’ve been having. I hope your results are clear. I will be thinking about you. Yes, you’re probably right and the stress will be hiding. I’m coping ok at the moment and everything is very close to normal and has been throughout treatment. We have been lucky as my son has tolerated his treatment very well and we are both positive people and have things planned for the next few months. Cancer has become part of our lives but has not become our lives.
I have had amazing support from my family and friends. I am sure you are right and his nanna will feel guilty, but that will not be my problem. I can hold my head high and know that I have tried to involve them. They will have to deal with that I will not shoulder their guilt. I think very much into the short term future and try to behave and act in a manner that will benefit our current situation.
Hope you’re doing ok and you too have the support that you need.
angry with my sons family
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