How To Manage Millennials
Welcome to my internet article on managing millennials.
If you’re a supervisor or a team leader, you have probably encountered the so-called ‘Millennial’ generation at the office. But who is a Millennial? Basically, it’s any person who you think is younger than you are now.
According to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, Millennials will comprise 75% of the workforce by 2030. By that date, of course, society will have collapsed and most of the jobs will be in the cannibalism industry. But until then, this generation will continue to be managed by people who are “I miss cassette tapes” years old or older.
The best way to manage millennials is to listen to them and then whisper “I fear death.” In my experience as a manager, I have found the truth is always preferable to corporate jargon. So I guess you can say I “tell it like it is.” Here’s a fun little anecdote: a millennial coworker once asked me if I needed help completing an important deck before a departmental presentation and I said: “I am a complete and utter fraud.”
In short, inspire your direct reports with shockingly personal truths, like how you don’t really know what an Oxford comma is or that you frequently sit in the office stairwell and cry.
Remind them that it’s never too late to tell the people in your life that you love them and that HR is lying when they say we’re all a family during all-hands meetings. A family can’t lay off a member and then, while they’re in shock, bully them into signing an ironclad NDA.
Just because you’re mentoring a younger person doesn’t mean you can’t connect with them in an authentic way. Remember: you, too, were younger than you are now and when you were younger, you were also full of hope, like a bright colorful birthday balloon slowly deflating.
When I’m asked who my management inspirations are I usually reply “The Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come.”
If one of the millennials you are managing fails to complete their tasks on time, acts rudely towards you or their colleagues, or otherwise underperforms at their job you should take a moment and ask yourself “Is this person failing because they’re a millennial?” The answer to that question, obviously, is “no.” There are manifold reasons employees don’t measure up but one of those reasons is not demographics, no matter what internet articles or marketers say. Don’t forget that millennials are just like you or me, and are not empty spaces you can fill with your fears and prejudices.
One thing you should know, if you’re like me, and you find yourself collaborating with younger workers on projects where you are 100% accountable is that even a 23-year-old, in this culture, feels old. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a colleague say “ugh, I’m turning 23 and that is so old.” Take my advice: do not respond “I’m limping because I ran three steps to make a train.” No, no. Just pretend you didn’t hear them, as if the ravages of age have sealed your ears shut.
The tech industry, especially, prizes youth and there are many reasons for that. For instance: most venture capital fund managers are vampires. They are, quite literally, ancient beasts of the night who live off of young, fresh blood. Another reason Silicon Valley openly discriminates against people who are middle-aged or older is that decaying bodies are gross and slow.
I am a late-stage career worker at 44 and while my days managing employees in their 20s and 30s will soon be over, I do look forward to living the next thirty or forty years of my life trying to get an artisanal kimchi business off the ground in the Hudson Valley, which is sort of like the afterlife for newly minted middle-aged New York City professionals.
But I still have a lot of advice to give because I am a deeply empathetic person and I know this because my therapist-rabbi told me during group therapy.
You may be surprised to learn things about millennials that defy the lazy stereotypes they’ve been assigned. For instance, millennials are incredibly hard workers. They are one of the most creative, and adaptive, generations in history. Yes, it is true they are always looking at their screens but can you blame them? They were raised by the first generation of humans to be raised in front of a screen. One day the screens will be inside our heads and we can return to having exclusively face-to-face communication.
Which brings me to their parents: they are called Baby Boomers. Their main claim to fame is that they’ll never measure up to their parents, who survived an economic apocalypse and then fought the Nazis, who were very bad people.
There are three generations in America right now viciously fighting for dwindling resources and they are the Baby Boomers, Millennials, and everyone else. There are many similarities between the Boomers and their babies, but every day the differences grow, mostly because the Boomers don’t like to share.
One funny thing you should never ever say to a Millennial, however, is “smother your parents with a pillow, it’s for the best, really.” It’s unlikely, but that employee’s father or mother may be an executive where you work!
I’m not suggesting Millennials are blind to the realities of this shark-eat-shark modern world. But, you know, some of them are extremely positive and might not quite understand that the American dream is, simply, the deeply held belief that you, and only you, can win a game of street corner three-card monte.
Anyway, here are some more management tips: If a Millennial employee is confused by a task, just tell them that you, too, are confused by many of life’s tasks, including most forms of genuine human connection. What Millennials might not fully understand is that life is like a cartoon cat and we are all just sardines in a can.
You know, don’t try to be funny on Slack, the popular workplace messaging system. Trust me on that. Mostly, Millennials on Slack just want to know if the social copy is approved. Now, let’s say you bump into a Millennial colleague in the kitchen and they say “how are you?” I find the best response is “Tired, like old shoes at a thrift store.” If you find yourself having to give negative feedback to a Millennial, just be kind and understanding because you’re probably not doing a good job either.
Here’s final anecdote: a young person asked me for some career advice and I told them capitalism is a garbage disposal, like the marketing funnel. Then I told them that my retirement plan was LOTTO. That’s when that person realized that we had something in common and that “something” is a dark and unknowable future.
I hope this internet article was useful to you. I know it can be frustrating managing Millennials but let’s be honest, most coworkers are monsters of one variety or another. The universe is going to just keep manufacturing young people so you better get used to the fact that they’re working for you and, very soon, you’ll be working for them. Probably at a cannibal slaughterhouse.
How To Manage Millennials
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