How to Overcome the Initial Shock of a Disappointing Diagnosis
I wrote my first article for Medium “How to Practice Self-Love When You Hate Your Fucking Guts,” last month. I was proud of it because gaining the knowledge I had shared was not a painless undertaking.
In July of this year, I’d been diagnosed with endometriosis. Because this wasn’t my first rodeo with bad news, I didn’t anticipate it remarkably affecting me.
It did.
I knew about “endo” due to stars like Lena Dunham and Halsey being vocal about it. Their mentionings of the affliction sparked my curiosity and after doing some reading about it I thought to myself “well, life is tough but at least I don’t have that.” Which is why, when I was told I’d be needing surgery (and possibly a hysterectomy*) for the same condition at the age of 26, I spiraled.
I became clinically depressed partly due to the circumstances, but it was also the hormone regulating medication my OBGYN prescribed me. Once I realized I was carrying suicidal thoughts around with me, I became resolved to corner my mindset and shoot it in the face. *cue Jim Carrey in the movie Liar Liar saying “figuratively speaking”.
To combat my medication-and-bad-news-induced-self-pity-and-loathing, I signed up for talk therapy.
I also went to guided meditations.
I did yoga.
I went on a social media hiatus.
I cut negative people out of my life.
I stopped buying my beloved Burger King sausage “croissan’wiches”.
In essence, I did extensive research on how to “love thyself” and put it into practice.
Though once I started, I realized there was a fundamental issue lying beneath the surface. I hated my fucking guts. I had issues, man. Demons. And they weren’t down with me feeling better about myself anytime soon. My subconscious relished in being miserable and it wasn’t exactly cooperative when I was trying to get jiggy with happiness.
Then one day I heard something in a self-love workshop (I know.) that shifted everything. The instructor of the class kept mentioning self-love, self-care, self-love this, self-love that, self-love blowjobs (kidding), self-love massages, etc etc…
Half-way into her speech I put my hand up, Bambi-eyed and socially anxious.
“Yes, in the back. You have a question?”
I cleared my throat to speak up, “Yeah, um.. You keep mentioning ‘self-love’ and ‘self-care’ and how we should be respecting ourselves… but what if you hate yourself? Like… what if there’s nothing about yourself you respect or like? What if you think you’re just kind of a jerk?”
“You don’t have to like yourself to give yourself love,” she responded.
Boom.
In that moment, all of the work I’d been doing the past few months: the meditation, the yoga, the “Bye, Felicia” moments of cutting out bad friends… it all dropped in. I felt like Elle Woods after she proved to Warner she was smart enough for Harvard. It was dope.
Crawling out of my own rabbit hole of darkness taught me what I’m capable of more than all the many times I stood up to my sixth-grade classmate, who’d kick the shit out of me during recess, combined. It prepared me for the following doctor’s appointments, medication adjustments, my surgery, and ultimately, my acceptance of the situation.
Processing and healing your mind is essential when combatting an illness or a condition. You can’t do it if you aren’t willing to care for yourself. It’s cool if you think you’re a bozo. You don’t need to “Eat Pray Love” it around the world, find inner peace, then become a best-selling novelist… Even though… that would be kind of ideal..
I digress!
Simply incorporating a few healthy rituals into your daily life can be plenty, no matter what you’re battling. Love yourself, even if you don’t really think you’re that cool.
XOXO, Gossip Gir —
I mean, Mel.
*I didn’t need the hysterectomy, but I did have a procedure to help my symptoms and hopefully preserve my future fertility. I was very fortunate. Many others aren’t as fortunate as I was. At least 200 million women suffer from endometriosis world-wide and many do not know they have it. If you or someone you know is experiencing abnormally painful periods, I encourage pursuing a diagnosis.
How to Overcome the Initial Shock of a Disappointing Diagnosis
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