I Almost Quit Writing About My Weight and Body
I’ve been stopping myself lately every time I think about writing a story related to food, obesity, eating disorders, or body image.
I stop because I don’t want the emails, comments, or Tweets to come which 1.) Mock me and my body, 2.) Question my choices, or 3.) Just pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.
My writing is fortunate enough to have a variety of readers. People from all walks of life. Some of my readers have been fat. And some still are. Some of them have been through the ringer with eating disorders and diets like I have.
Of course, some folks who read my work have never been there at all. Others have gotten through obesity a little less worn for wear.
Over the past couple of months, I have discovered that it gets overwhelming to write honestly about my struggle with my weight. Now that I know people will go out of their way to find me and tell me what to do.
The most painful reaction, I think, is that of the responder who won’t quit picking away at you. They have more than suggestions. And more than questions.
They take time out of their day to tell you how your reasoning makes no sense. How you’re using your eating disorder as an excuse. How you’ll never be happy.
Basically, they tell you everything you already tell yourself. But they do it as a stranger who demands some answers. And they do it in such a way that you find yourself afraid to ever write about your fatness ever again.
Do you know why I write about my issues with eating? Or why I talk about life at 400 pounds?
Do you know why I write so openly about some of the most shameful parts of myself?
It isn’t because I like the attention. It’s not because these stories are big moneymakers (they’re usually not).
I write about these issues because there aren’t enough women writing from my point of view, yet there are millions of women in my shoes.
Millions of women battle eating disorders related to polycystic ovarian disease (PCOS) and lipedema. Millions.
Millions of women are fat or obese, and while many are happy and confident despite fat stigma, others are battle weary and sick of fighting for their right to exist without so much damn commentary.
Some people don’t like it that I write about my struggles. They don’t want me to chronicle real life. Instead, they would like me to fix it and move on.
They want something that isn’t even honest.
When I write about my unhappiness in a fat body and my struggles with hormonal diseases which all came before my being overweight, I am writing for me and my freedom. I am writing for those of you who need to hear it too.
Like me, you might get caught up in self-loathing. You might really hate your inconsistencies. And your apparent inability to sort your shit out in regards to your body. I do, anyway.
Even thought I don’t know exactly what it’s like for you, I do know how painful it is for me. And strangers virtually demanding answers about why I don’t get surgery or try this thing? None of that helps my mental health. I suspect it doesn’t help you either.
I hate that I let the reactions of some people impact the way I feel about writing at all. It irks me to no end to admit that their comments actually make me want to hide in embarrassment.
Yes, I am embarrassed to have been struggling with my weight in a worse way for 6 years. Yes, I am humiliated to admit that discovering my lipedema became a source of depression rather than empowerment.
I “should” be losing weight to enjoy a happier life.
But I’m not, and there are a lot of reasons for that.
No, I’m not where I want to be. What about you? Are you struggling too?
The unpopular reality is that you matter at every body shape and size. You are allowed to struggle with your body through any and all of it.
And you don’t owe anyone a fucking explanation.
Your struggles may come with side effects. I’m not here to downplay that reality. You might have high blood pressure or diabetes. I don’t have those things, but it doesn’t mean I couldn’t have them in the future.
Body positivity isn’t to say that consequences don’t matter.
But “healthy” is more of a journey than any destination. You are human when you struggle and you are allowed to be human.
The last thing you need is more shame or ridicule telling you how messed up it is that you would succumb to an eating disorder. The horror.
You don’t need other people telling you they know just what you’re going through when they haven’t ever walked your road.
At its core, I see body positivity as a movement to support our best lives through self-love.
And I am determined to love this body and find sustainable methods of self-care regardless of the tactless comments which strive to shut me up instead.
I might struggle a lot more than the average bear. But I don’t care. That’s not enough reason to give up the fight.
If anything? The fact that I have an adipose tissue disease, mental health issues, and other predispositions to obesity might be more reason to never quit searching and chronicling this journey.
No, everybody won’t like it.
But I am determined to add a human face to the conversation of obesity. And I believe in speaking up about the complexities too.
Some people might feel that their commentary on my body is valid as long as I exist in a fat body.
But my own commentaries will not be ending anytime soon.
Join my email list to keep in touch.
I Almost Quit Writing About My Weight and Body
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