I Found Happy When I Relinquished Achievement
Yesterday I read an article by David Brooks called, “Five Lies Our Culture Tells.” Brooks is a writer for The New York Times and a cultural commentator. In this article, Brooks argues that American society is a hot mess. He says we are in a state of crisis with high suicide rates, increasing mental health issues, and an unrelenting divisive, hateful rhetoric.
He argues that we are in this state because our culture is built on lies. Specifically, he says, these are the lies we tell ourselves:
This article resonates with me. In the last five years, I’ve subconsciously worked to rid myself of these lies and rebuild my life in a more meaningful way.
Like many Americans, I was raised to believe that success was choosing a profession and working tirelessly to reach the pinnacles of that profession. I desired the titles, the money, the fancy things, and the large home.
I also had a romantic view of my own, personal journey. I wanted to lead a life abundant with experiences. I told my parents when I was only 10-years-old that “I would try everything once.” This comment scared the hell out of them, yet I was invigorated.
After college, I fled small-town Ohio for the big city of Chicago. I barely said goodbye to the neighbors, friends, and family that raised me. The truth is, I looked down on them for choosing to stay in that comfy, little town. They seemed to me too weak and afraid to venture out and explore new territory. They were scared while I was brave — ready to conquer the world.
And, by all objective measures, I succeeded. At the height of my career, I was the Vice President of Corporate Marketing at a billion-dollar company. I managed a team of people around the world and was jet-setting from country-to-country. I was earning good money, had a beautiful home in an upscale neighborhood, and two gorgeous kids.
I also had racked up those life experiences I was hell-bent on getting. I meditated at the top of Machu Pichu in Peru. I jumped out of an airplane, rode the Bullet Train in Japan, and stayed in a five-star hotel in Bali, replete with an outdoor shower. I studied with a world-renowned psychic and learned to “see” someone’s past by holding objects of theirs in my hand. At work, I created a proprietary study that got covered in The New York Times, Time Magazine and Forbes.
I had achieved everything I wanted. I should have been happy, but I was miserable.
It all came crashing down in 2014 when I was fired from my job. I used to think my boss fired me because I refused to follow his orders, which seemed unethical and possibly illegal. And that may be true.
But it may also be true that things came crashing down because my life was a giant lie. I was chasing the wrong things, exerting all my energy to gain external reward and recognition. As Brooks said, I wholeheartedly bought into the lies of our society, and it was ruining me.
After leaving the job, and lying in bed for a few months, I started to make significant life changes. We moved out of the city and set down roots in a small town like the one in which I grew up. I quit my job to stay home with the kids. I’ve stopped frivolously spending money and caring about the more beautiful things.
Instead of only seeing value in a paycheck, I see value in cutting up fresh fruit for my kids. Instead of seeing myself as someone special, I see myself as just like everybody else. When I was volunteering in jail, meeting with women incarcerated there, I didn’t feel better than them. I felt like we weren’t much different — just women struggling to make sense of it all.
And, perhaps most importantly, my relationships have improved immeasurably. I’ve concentrated energy on better understanding my aging parents. I just spent a week-long vacation at their house, and we had nary a disagreement. And that was a first!
Brooks is onto something big here. Our society is a mess, and I was a mess too. We’ve got to stop this cycle of telling our kids that a good life equals material success, climbing the ladder, and taking an individualistic journey. Instead, a good life is about healthy, loving relationships, setting down roots, establishing community, and taking responsibility.
I vow to convey these values on to my children, but I can’t do it alone. As Clinton said, “It takes a village.” You with me?
I Found Happy When I Relinquished Achievement
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