I’m Not Who I Was Last Fall.
It’s strange how the seasons can change us. We can believe ourselves to be one thing or another, and then something happens that challenges those assumptions. We are, in some ways, who we’ve always been. But there are parts of us that can change profoundly, making it impossible for us to ever go back to who we were before.
I’m not who I was last Fall. I was on the brink of stretching into the person I am now, but I had begun to make myself smaller. For a little while there, I was caught between needing to grow and dreading the growing pains that often come with it.
A year ago, I was in a relationship that, for a little while, felt like the forever variety. Of course, I’ve never seen the forever variety myself, so I only had an idea of what it might look like or feel like. For a second, I thought I had found that rare specimen, only to find that I was wrong. I sank into that realization, and it changed me.
At first, it was just an inkling and then a growing knowledge. But with that came my total resistance to letting go of something that I had wanted for myself and had mistaken for forever. Then the bottom fell out when something happened that pushed me out of my denial. I couldn’t stay, even if I wanted to- and part of me wanted to very much. It was broken, and I couldn’t ignore it. I left, and it changed me.
In some ways, it has been a physical sort of change. After all, I began training for a half marathon and ran one 3 months later. I started kayaking. I began a daily yoga practice. I increased my time hiking. I needed to reconnect with nature, and I did. I needed to use up some of that time that was once spent wrapped up in that relationship. So much time opened up when the relationship ended, and I put all of that energy of love and grief to work for me. I don’t have some kind of weight loss transformation story; I just acknowledge that some of the changes were the superficial variety.
But most of the changes? You can’t see them. At least, they aren’t written boldly across my face. They’re written on my heart instead. Maybe in my mind, too, as I wonder what fears might linger from this last broken heart. Something just shifted in me, and there were days when I wasn’t sure how I would make it, only that I had to find a way. I began to become who I am, and I have tried not to let it make me hard. But maybe it’s made me fierce in ways I wasn’t before. If one can be fierce and soft and full of love, that’s me.
But the seasons changed, and I did, too. Fall gave way to a winter where I made myself too busy to be too lonely. Winter shifted into a beautiful Spring where I remembered just how much I love being outside. I began to thaw as well, forming new friendships and embracing new growth. Spring shifted into Summer, and there were days I remembered being in love the Summer before, but there were also days when I felt that freedom of summer, of the sun on my face and the wind in my hair and the knowledge that everything would be okay. Then Summer shifted slowly into Fall.
Things changed last time Autumn came around, and I found myself bracing for changes again. My favorite season carried echoes of memories that are anything but my favorite. I’ve found myself having to reclaim the season. After all, I am changed from who I was then, but there are some things that don’t change: like my enthusiasm for this time of year. I light my fall candles and wait for hoodie weather, and I remember that the essential bits of me are intact, even though my heart got broken the year before. Even though there are days when I can still trace my finger lightly along the cracks.
Life is funny. It cycles around, and one day I might stumble upon what I think is a forever love, although I’m not sure of the correct markings. Sometimes I’ll stumble into old fears and old feelings. But I also know that if I keep growing, next Fall I will be changed again. I will be a year older, with a year more of memories and knowledge to my name.
I’ve realized now that it’s good I’m not who I was last Fall or the Fall before. I’m glad I can maintain a strong growth game, although I’ve often wished for a little less struggle along the way. If I wasn’t changing, there would only be one season, ever. And who wants to live the same season over and over again for the rest of our lives? Not me. Not even Fall, which I love. So I’ll let go of last Fall and see what lies ahead for this one by living today. And tomorrow. And all the days that follow. I’m not who I was last Fall. I wonder who I’ll be next.
I’m Not Who I Was Last Fall.
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