My mum is dying
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2 posts since
22 Aug 2019
Hello,
My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in March of 2018, she was given the all clear in November 2018. In February of 2019 we were told that the cancer was back and it had spread to her hips, back and ribs. We were told it was terminal. She went through chemo and was on around 15-20 tablets a day. During this time she could barely walk or do anything for herself, was constantly sleeping and couldn’t hold a conversation. After it was found the chemo wasn’t doing much she was put onto hormone therapy. She is now able to walk about a bit more and do more things for herself however she got a blot clot in her lungs which she is now on even more medication for.
My own doctor (who had never seen my mum) said she probably had a year or less left, this is also the opinion of a few friends and family, however a few also say she could go on for a few years yet but no one speaks to her about it.
I am only 20 and have had my whole life with just me and my mum, I don’t know what to do and am very confused. I am an only child and have a very small family spread over the north of Scotland.
Does anyone have any opinion/experience/idea as to how long she may have, and even some things that could help me deal with this tough time.
thank you very much x
1257 posts since
9 Jun 2011
Hello Sarah and thanks for posting,
I am so sorry to learn about your mum and can understand that this is a very tough situation for you to be in.
When someone close has an advanced cancer, it is only natural to want to know how long they have left to live. I’m afraid it is very difficult for us to say what the outlook is for anyone with cancer. It can depend on how widespread their cancer is, how aggressive and how well it responds to treatment. Other health problems may also have an impact on this. Unfortunately, there isn’t a formula that can calculate this sort of thing accurately, so even doctors can only ever estimate and they don’t always get it right. This means living with a lot of uncertainty, which takes some adjusting to.
Some women whose breast cancer has spread, but only to their bones and who respond well to treatment like hormone therapy, can survive for several years. But this will depend on whether the cancer continues to respond to treatment preventing it from coming back anywhere else. So no one can say with certainty. Very often it is a case of thinking do things seem okayish for now? And if so, living more in the present than the future.
Seeing a parent become this ill is very challenging and stressful. Coping with tough times is something that we usually learn to do as we get older through experience, so being younger I think it is harder for you because you won’t have as much to draw on as an older person. Taking things one step at a time and each day as it comes sounds very basic advice, but it can be a good strategy along with trying to ride out the uncertainty. And you need to look after yourself and get some support too.
I wonder if your mum has a palliative care/Macmillan nurse? These are specialists nurses who are often involved in looking after people with advanced cancers that are causing symptoms. They can also help to support patients and their families. If your mum doesn’t have one of these nurses, her GP should be able to arrange for one to call and either the GP or nurse would be a good way for you to tap into some support.
Relatives of cancer patients often feel very helpless and it can be useful to understand this as it can have an impact on your mood. In truth there are limits to what anyone can do, time will tell with any situation as it unfolds, but day to day, it is usually a question of dealing with what you can deal with and also getting on with your life. Relatives can feel they are being selfish/unfeeling, but life has to go on and the person with cancer often likes to see this happening and to see a bit of routine and normality.
We have a bit of information for friends and family about coping on our website at this link
Please get give us a call if you would like to talk anything over, our number is Freephone 0808 800 4040 and the lines are open from 9-5, Mon-Fri, but we are closed on the August Bank Holiday.
Take care,
Julia
My mum is dying
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