Research: When Juggling Work and Family, Women Offer More Emotional Support Than Men
Researchers set out to answer the following question: How do demands and the amount of support received at work or at home affect the amount of support a person gives to their spouse or co-workers, and how does this in turn, affect the relationship of their larger family or team? Through two separate studies, they found a consistent pattern whereby men seem to reduce emotional support when demands in another role become too heavy. Women, on the other hand, provide emotional support regardless of their demands in another role, and they also “pass on” the support they receive in one role by giving more emotional support in another role, thereby boosting relationships. While spouses and co-workers do not always effectively support each other, and there is a substantial gender divide to bridge, men and women also expressed one remarkably similar need: to be heard by their spouse or co-workers. Active listening, then, is the first step forward — to not only make people feel supported when they vulnerably share the ups and downs of their lives, but also to bring couples and work teams closer together.
In North America and Europe, the dual earner model is now more common than the male breadwinner model. Men and women no longer specialize in one role. Both are involved in paid work and care for children and elderly. The challenge of this juggling act is to maintain optimal performance at work and at home. Although jugglers may perform well on the core tasks required of them, the aspects of work and family life that are less urgent, compulsory, or obvious are often easier to neglect.
For instance, a parent might leave the office in time to pick up their kid from school, but then, exhausted, lack the energy to listen to their partner while fixing dinner later that night. Or, a person might manage to complete a work report by their deadline but miss out on happy hour and a chance to connect with their colleagues due to responsibilities at home. In other words, juggling multiple roles can put relationships under pressure — because we simply can’t do it all.
Or can we? We set out to discover this in a set of two studies, guided by the following research question:
How do demands and the amount of support received at work or at home affect the amount of support a person gives to their spouse or coworkers, and how does this in turn, affect the relationship of their larger family or team?
Study #1: Providing Support at Home
Our first study examined 26 heterosexual dual-earner couples, between the ages of 22 and 57, in the Netherlands. Eighty-nine percent of the couples had children, and all worked at least three days a week — men for roughly 42.8 hours and women for roughly 29.8 hours — in industries ranging from commercial services to construction. Each spouse was given a notebook and wrote two brief logs per day for five consecutive days. The first log was completed upon returning home from work. Spouses reflected on the emotional demands of their jobs — dealing with difficult clients, projects, or deadlines — as well as on whether or not they had received emotional support from coworkers. The second log was completed before going to bed. Spouses evaluated their time at home, assessing how much emotional support they had given to their partner by listening to problems or showing affection. They also rated the relationships among their family members that night, noting how well everyone got along.
The results showed that the workday of each spouse had a significant impact on their relationships at home, but the impact was quite different for husbands and wives. Consider one couple from our sample (names have been changed): Tim (36) and Lisa (31), both school teachers, who are married and have three children under the age of ten. Tim works five days and 38 hours per week; Lisa works three days and 24 hours per week.
When Tim came home after emotionally draining days in the classroom, both he and Lisa reported that he was a poor listener. He seemed distracted during Lisa’s recollections about her day and showed less affection and concern for her feelings in general. Consequently, the couple rated the time they spent together as a family worse — tense and less enjoyable. We observed this pattern throughout our sample. When husbands had stressful workdays with extensive emotional demands, they provided less support to their wives. On these days, both spouses often rated the time the family spent together poorly.
In contrast, when wives were put in the same situation, their stressful workdays did not affect how much emotional support they provided to their husbands, nor did it affect the quality of the time the family spent together. When Lisa had an emotionally taxing day at work, for example, she was still able to show up for Tim at home, and hence, the time the family spent together was not affected. Moreover, after a rewarding workday, Lisa provided even more emotional support to Tim, and the overall quality of their family time improved — another pattern we found among the women in sample. When men had a rewarding day at work, however, they did not provide more emotional support to their wives, nor did the quality of family time improve.
These findings prompted us to replicate the study in the reverse direction.
Study #2: Providing Support at Work
In our second study, we aimed to discover if family life similarly affects how much emotional support employees give to their colleagues at work, and whether or not the gender pattern we found is consistent. We enrolled 128 employees — 64 pairs of colleagues who work closely together, ages ranging between 18 and 64, in the Netherlands. The sample included 92 females who worked roughly 30.3 hours a week, 35 males who worked roughly 39.3 hours a week, and one participant who did not reveal their sex. This time, 63% of the subjects had children.
Each coworker filled in two logs per day for five consecutive days. Before work, they reflected on their morning at home and recorded any emotional demands they had experienced — arguments or tense moments with family members — as well as any appreciation or affection they had received from their spouse. At the end of the workday, each coworker assessed how much emotional support they had given to their focal colleague, such as listening to a problem or providing encouragement. They also rated the quality of the relationships among the larger team that day, noting whether or not members were cooperative and enjoyed spending time together.
The results revealed the exact same gender pattern that we had found in our first study. Men who had emotionally draining mornings tended to provide less support to their colleague, resulting in an overall worse team dynamic. Women, on the other hand, showed no change in the amount of support they provided to their colleague even after a rough morning at home. Similar to our previous finding, women who had rewarding mornings at home tended to give their focal colleague more emotional support than usual, resulting in an overall better team dynamic.
Both studies confirm a pattern whereby men seem to reduce emotional support when demands in another role become too heavy. Women provide emotional support regardless of their demands in another role, and they also “pass on” the support they receive in one role by giving more emotional support in another role, thereby boosting relationships.
Plausible Explanations
There are a few. The first might be that gender norms affect prosocial behavior. While stereotypes regarding male and female behavior are becoming more and more outdated, research tells us that men and women are often still exposed to different expectations from a young age. Women are often expected to be communal, which is typically reflected in caring for and nurturing others. There is more pressure on them to be “kin keepers” who manage relationships within the family and the community. Men are traditionally expected to be more agentic from a young age — rational, strategic, and assertive — even if this results in being less cooperative and considerate.
Because norms are stubborn, and change takes time, it is possible that the women in our sample felt more responsible than the men for maintaining relationships at work and at home. As a result, the women may have prevented demands in one domain from impairing relationships in the other and used resources in one domain to enhance the relationships in the other, whereas the men may not have felt obligated to do the same.
A second, somewhat related, explanation is that women, even those with high-status, well- paying jobs, are often still the primary care giver at home, which may lead them to feel more responsible for the home domain than their partners. Though the male breadwinner model is declining, in the Netherlands, of the care tasks that couples do not outsource, women are still responsible for 67% while men take up only 33%. Therefore, it’s plausible that women in our study concealed the negative effects of a taxing work day to meet the expectations of their family role. In addition, although men increasingly take on care tasks at home, one study shows that, in general, they tend to identify more strongly with their work roles than their home roles. Therefore, it’s plausible that the men in our sample felt less need to conceal their draining workdays at home.
These traditional gender roles may explain why women provide more support at work as well. Because women often have a steeper ladder to climb — especially in a corporate environment — they may put more effort into preventing their family demands from interfering with their performance, and instead, use family resources to further improve their relationships at work. Moreover, women who work part-time, may not feel as entitled to strongly identify with their work role as men do. In contrast, men may be more likely to take their work role for granted and believe they have less to lose when family demands interfere with their performance — particularly when it concerns listening to and showing concern for colleagues. Although it is clearly important, one could rationalize that emotionally supportive behavior is not a primary work task, and use that rationale to de-prioritize it.
Can we create change?
It is important to keep in mind that our studies only looked at how much emotional support spouses and coworkers exchanged. It is possible that some men, after a taxing workday, cook dinner or do the dishes, but don’t feel like talking. Still, to make sure each partner gets the support they need, it would be helpful for couples to know how they can best support their partner. To find out, we interviewed 28 women and 24 men from dual-earner couples, ages between 24 and 66, in the Netherlands. Eighty-seven percent of the couples had children, and on average, worked 38 hours per week. We asked them what kind of support they would like to receive from their spouse when they got home.
Participants were asked to recall two scenarios. In the first scenario, they came home after an emotionally demanding workday. In the second, they came home after an emotionally rewarding one. In both scenarios, we asked participants what kind of response from their spouse would have been the most appreciated versus the least appreciated.
A study of 24 men and 28 women in the Netherlands ranked emotional support as the most effective response, and not listening as the least.
Emotional support
“A hug, listening, and telling me that I’m awesome.”
Not listening
“When she clearly isn’t really interested.”
Giving space
“Leaving me be for a while. I don’t want to talk right away.”
Demanding help
“Immediately showing a long list of chores I still need to do.”
Appraisal support
“Affirming that my actions were right.”
Critique
“Asking critical questions or disagreeing with my point of view.”
Informational support
“Helping me find a solution and really executing this solution.”
Unsolicited advice
“Giving his opinion right away and telling me now I should solve the problem.”
Perspective
“Highlighting what really matters in life.”
Trivializing
“Ignoring me, saying I shouldn’t be so dramatic, or even denigrating my job.”
Sharing
“Telling about her own day.”
Stealing the spotlight
“Immediately complaining about her own day.”
Instrumental support
“When he has cooked, and dinner is ready to be served.”
Not providing instrumental support
“When he is too tired or cranky to prepare dinner.”
Distraction
“Going for a stroll or bike ride, or having a cup of coffee in the city.”
Blaming
“Saying that I chose this job and that I shouldn’t work so hard.”
Our interviews revealed how difficult it is to provide helpful support after a demanding workday. The line between effective and ineffective support is thin. For instance, men and women in our sample both appreciate feedback, but only if it affirms their actions and is not too critical. A female participant explained, “The worst is when he keeps asking critical questions and disagrees with everything I say.” Similarly, offering solutions or advice is a balancing act. Some interviewees appreciate a spouse who actively helps find solutions to their problems, while others mentioned that they just want to vent. Interviewees also varied in terms of how much they appreciate hearing about their partner’s day. A handful of interviewees enjoy it, but 20% find it irritating when their partner complains too much.
What then, is the best way to support your spouse after work? One consistency we saw was active listening. Ultimately, most of our respondents simply want to be heard whether they have had a good day or a bad day. Fifty-four percent of men and 79% of women said they appreciate a partner who actively listens, acknowledges their feeling, and remains present. After expressing their feelings, 29% of men stated that they appreciate it when their partner helps them move on to other activities to put their minds off of work, whereas 36% of women stated that they appreciate it when their partner helps with household and care tasks (e.g. cooking dinner, getting the kids to bed).
A study of 24 men and 28 women in the Netherlands found that active listening matters the most.
Active listening
“He really understands what I’m saying (and not just nods).”
Not listening
“Walking away while I’m telling my story.”
Complimenting
“Saying she is proud of me.”
Pessimism
“Pointing out why something isn’t possible.”
Enthusiasm
“Responding with enthusiasm and sharing the flow.”
Low energy
“Falling asleep on the couch the minute he gets home.”
Doing things together
“Suggesting doing something fun together, or celebrating by dining out.”
Stealing the spotlight
“Bringing up their own problems right away.”
Instrumental support
“Taking initiative to do household chores.”
Demanding help
“Changing the conversation to what needs to be done at home.”
We believe that similar support strategies would work in an office environment: being present and listening intently when a colleague shares their personal experiences, offering to help with work tasks if needed, and then moving on to your own scheduled commitments.
The First Step to Giving Effective Support
Having a conversation with your partner about the type of support each of you need before you both come home exhausted (or exhilarated) from work is a good way to start. What kind of support do you need from your spouse after a demanding workday? After a rewarding one? You should discuss the timing of this support as well. For example, one family with young children might decide to focus first on the caregiving tasks that need to be done and talk about their workdays once the children are in bed. Another couple with no children or with older children might decide to schedule a 10-minute vent session or celebration when they come home, and then move on to other activities.
At work, a combination of dialogue and scheduling can be used as well. For example, coworkers might decide to share negative (and positive) events that happened at home in the first few minutes after they arrive, and then talk in more detail about it later at lunch after they have made progress on their most important work tasks.
Our research reveals that spouses and coworkers do not always effectively support each other, and that there is a substantial gender divide to bridge. And yet, at the same time, men and women express one remarkably similar need: to be heard by their spouse or coworkers. Active listening, then, might really be the first step forward — to not only make people feel supported when they vulnerably share the ups and downs of their lives, but also to bring couples and work teams closer together. Doing so may help you gain a better understanding of the various roles your spouse and colleagues take on in their day-to-day lives, how these roles play into your larger relationships, and how you can improve them.
Lieke ten Brummelhuis is an associate professor of management at the Beedie School of Business, Simon Fraser University. She received her PhD in organizational sociology from Utrecht University in the Netherlands. Lieke is interested in research topics related to employee well-being including work-life balance, stress, workaholism, recovery, and health.
Jeffrey H. Greenhaus is Professor Emeritus of Management in Drexel University’s LeBow College of Business. Jeff’s research focuses on work-family relationships and career dynamics. He is author of numerous journal articles and books, including Career Management for Life with Gerry Callanan and Ronnie Godshalk and Making Work and Family Work: From Hard Choices to Smart Choices with Gary Powell.
Research: When Juggling Work and Family, Women Offer More Emotional Support Than Men
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