The Mutual Violence of a Female Body & Her Genderqueer Mind

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The Mutual Violence of a Female Body & Her Genderqueer Mind

I don’t mind being within this female body

but I just wish she would stay silent.

I don’t want to be reminded that she’s here.

She can sit at the table

but don’t let her speak.

I need her in my life. She takes me places. She helps me get what I want. She blends me in.

I’m nothing without her.

But I don’t like how she behaves. How she tries to control me.

She tries to make me to do things I don’t want to do.

I have never wanted to hold a baby. They do not stir me. I am not maternal & I don’t know why but I feel I must apologise for that.

(I am sorry.)

I don’t want my insides to come out and, eventually, get up and start walking around and talking, and living a life of their own.

All I see is me, lurching bovine-like across a sterile room, braying and lowing with pain, udders juddering beneath me. Too much biology. Too much animal to bear.

I won’t do it.

But I don’t like all these hormones going party-crazy, getting tanked up, losing their minds in here. Wrecking the joint and doing things they’ll obviously wake up to regret. They’re nothing to do with me. They are her friends, not mine. I have not agreed to them being in my house.

I am ecstatic to have finally found some contraception that has completely stopped my periods. As yet, she has said nothing on the matter.

Aside from the inconvenience, and the agony, I loathe that in-bloom feeling of expectation.

The idea that I must lay down in the straw and rest.

Bed down in your sty, woman.

I don’t want to, love.

Some might like to have a reason to be taken care of.

I fear it like death.

Why can’t I just ‘be like the others’?

I struggle for the words that reach the Truth.

It is a dissonance. A joint that doesn’t quite match up, that sits uncomfortably and chafes to blister and blood.

It is a deep, jarring upset at being female. It is more than a heart-upset. It is a soul-upset.

The fact that I am truly nothing against the force of female biology.

That is what my damn problem is.

This force of creation, of magic, of making something from nothing. A primal driving force, the weight of all the women who have ever lived, of witchcraft and tribal rhythm, that occupies my body, ready and waiting at all times to put its plans in motion.

Without ever once asking me if that would be okay.

She has controlled and coerced me. Trapped me in her monthly routines, her image, her expectations, and those of others like her, for so long.

I am in so many ways a beaten woman.

There’s too much history.

I don’t want to change her radically. We know nothing of that territory. We would be an imposters there too.

I just want her to stop this.

Accept me for who I am, not who she wants me to be.

Be silent!

I do not want to be continually reminded that I am biological.

Human. Fallible. Vulnerable.

I do not want there to be a part of this I cannot control.

But who could I speak to about this?

She is always with me.

She is always listening.

Follow Zoë on Twitter: @zoeklux

The Mutual Violence of a Female Body & Her Genderqueer Mind

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The Mutual Violence of a Female Body & Her Genderqueer Mind

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