You Don’t Need To Be Perfect To Help Somebody Else Heal
Blame it on our western culture. From an early age, most of us believe that adults are supposed to have their crap together.
Teachers, parents, coaches, and any other adult in authority knows exactly what they’re doing, right?
I don’t think it fully hit me just how imperfectly human grownups were until I was in college myself. And I got a hint of that realization a bit earlier when I spent a year in a ministry internship after high school.
As much as I wanted to believe that the adults were alright, I was beginning to learn that wasn’t actually the case.
At some point, it occurred to me that I was not as far along as I “should” be. Or at least, I wasn’t as far along as I believed I ought to be as an adult.
And to a great extent, our culture supports this sort of mentality. We often expect our “experts” to be free of all failing. And we tell ourselves that we can’t really help anyone unless we reach some arbitrary mark of success ourselves.
But as much as we might hear people complain someone else not having it together, the good news is that none of us really has to have all our ducks in a row to be able to help somebody else.
My friend Shaunta Grimes says that you only need to be a few steps ahead of somebody else in order to teach them something. Just a few steps ahead.
That’s great news for anyone who has something they’d like to teach others, but who might also doubt their own value or abilities.
Like a lot of folks, I used to think that I had nothing valuable to give the world. I thought that I had to get myself together and build an essentially perfect life before anyone even cared about anything I had to say.
But people aren’t perfect. And building the semblance of a perfect life helps no one. Not even us.
What people really need to learn from each other is how to handle all of the imperfect human moments with grace.
It’s funny because I thought I had to be perfect to help inspire someone. But it turns out that perfection isn’t all that inspiring because there’s nothing relatable in the worry-free life.
Some folks try to sell the dream of success which takes you to a level where the struggle is no more. But that level doesn’t exist. It’s not real life.
The truth about me is messy, and I suspect that will always be the case. Occasionally, somebody gleefully points out my faults or mentions that I have issues… like I didn’t know.
Really?
You’ve got issues. I’ve got issues. Every person on this planet has got their own set of issues.
And so, I think it’s not the issues themselves that are the issue, if you know what I mean.
It’s the way we manage and deal with those issues.
We like to think that the experts have all their shit together. When we grow up and discover that they don’t, it can be a real punch in the gut.
Sometimes, that’s not their fault but ours. We had super human expectations.
Holding onto the notion of perfection keeps us expecting way too much of other people. It also prevents us from doing our part to help others because we don’t think we’re good enough to try.
If everybody waited for perfection before sharing their gifts with the world, we’d all be waiting forever. At a certain point we’ve got to recognize that perfection doesn’t exist and good enough might be as good as it gets.
I really believe that. Everybody has some bit of trauma that seems to stand in the way of their success… if they let it.
Fortunately, we can heal from our trauma, and it doesn’t take perfection for us to get there. Not from us or from our teachers. And if you really think about it, most of us can learn more from the people who are honest about how they have struggled and muddled through life with issues than those who display some sort of perfect facade.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve wanted to help other people but shied away from actually doing it.
Because you don’t have all your shit together.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you’re nothing like me at all and your confidence kicks in frequently to say you do have it all together.
I’m pretty sure that whether you feel like you’re good to go in life or not… you probably aren’t. We’ve all got some sort of baggage, wound, brokeness.
Some kinda flaw.
Owning up to our weakness is probably the first step to actually helping other people.
Yes, it’s trite. Owning up to your flaws sounds delightfully pithy. But actually doing it is huge.
Teachers, parents, and other figures of authority who are willing to show their flaws make the world a better place just by showing up and modeling how to handle imperfection.
It matters. Every single time we say, I was wrong and I’m sorry. Every time we own up to not having all the answers. When we do all that, it makes it easier for others to quit hiding. And to live in honesty themselves.
A lot of us have been taught to avoid certain types of honesty. We’re not supposed to show the world where we’ve been broken.
But those of us who grow up to embrace it? We know that brokenness is not the end of the world.
Cracks let the light in. Or out. And some cracks may be filled with gold for more of a wabi-sabi (perfectly imperfect) approach.
It’s all how you look at it.
But covering up those cracks brings on suffering because we have to cover our entire selves. We wind up pretending that we are something we’re not.
That’s a costly mistake which helps no one. If anything, it encourages other people to keep pretending and hide rather than actually deal with their flaws.
I’ve learned firsthand that anytime I write about my issues, it helps somebody else by telling them they aren’t alone.
Or, by honestly showing someone how I’m dealing with an issue. We forget sometimes that if we are honest, we not only learn from success but failures too.
There’s no law that says we can’t learn from other people’s losses. We absolutely can and do.
And I don’t mind if you learn from my own struggles and failures.
No, honestly?
I hope that you do.
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You Don’t Need To Be Perfect To Help Somebody Else Heal
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